All characters are over 18! Disclaimer: I'm not Catholic, I'm horny. And to my friends who have rosaries, I understand the description in this story doesn't quite match what they're like irl, so be prepared to suspend your disbelief. I am planning on continuing this story if people like it :)
Feedback is also welcome and encouraged!
โงโโ
Ainsley stood outside the doors to the church, watching the other girls filter out as they finished their confessions and subsequent prayers. Her heart thumped with anxiety. The thought of Father Malcolm listening to her deepest secrets made her want to drop out, go home, and never look back. Public school couldn't be that bad, right?
And surely her secrets weren't the worst on campus. At eighteen, most of the girls in her class had to have experimented a little bit. Ainsley wish she had more friends, so she knew what was going on behind the confessional screens. If only she knew what the other girls were really doing, she might not feel so horrible. She had a feeling that less... holy activities were common at the parties with the boys at their sister school, but she couldn't even find crumbs of rumors or find conversations to eavesdrop on.
Ainsley took a deep breath and opened the door to the chapel. It was quiet, the girls she just saw must have been the last confessions. She walked down the aisle and cut through a row of pews until she found herself standing outside the booth.
When she entered and closed the curtain, she took another deep breath and made an effort to smooth her skirt. Even though Father Malcolm couldn't see her, something about looking more presentable made her heart slow down slightly. Not that being presentable was much of an issue for Ainsley.
She was one of the lucky few gifted with clear skin, and her high cheekbones were highlighted with a smattering of freckles. Long dark hair framed her face, falling just below her perky breasts. A bit of blush and mascara was more than enough for school, maybe even a bit of brown-orange eyeshadow to compliment her green eyes.
"Bless me father, for I have sinned," Ainsley started. "It has been one week since my last confession."
"Go on my child." Father Malcolm's voice was rich and warm, nearly eliminating her nerves. Perhaps it was the conditioning brought about by her Catholic upbringing, but she felt like she might survive her confession.
This wasn't a standard confession for her. Gone were the days of confessing she'd lied about brushing her teeth before bed, or that she finished her homework. She was becoming a woman, and that meant this part of her life was going to change.
"I met a boy at my church, he goes to St. Augustine, so I've seen him around. We met up after school last week and... we kissed," Ainsley told him. With half of the confession over, she almost felt silly. Kissing couldn't be as bad as what she guessed the other girls were doing. Disrespecting their parents, drinking, smoking...
"My child, I must ask this so I can make a proper judgment for your penance," Father Malcolm started, and she could hear his robes as he shifted in his seat. "What kind of kiss?"
A light blush spread over Ainsley's cheeks as the memory surfaced. "Well, we used tongue, if that's what you mean," she said, each word of confession felt like a weight was lifted from her chest.
"If the kiss is the only sin you wish to confess, you may be relieved to hear the kiss on its own is not sinful," the Father told her. "That being said, how did the kiss make you feel?"
Ainsley fought the urge to squirm in her seat, this was what she was really worried about. She took a deep breath and said, "It made me... lust for the boy. When I got home, I was so lustful I... I touched myself."
Father Malcolm clicked his tongue. "I see, and have you... explored yourself, since that day?"
Ainsley nodded. "I know I'm not supposed to, which is why I'm here, but I can't stop thinking about what I want him to do to me."
"If you are only touching yourself, there's nothing against the act itself in the Lord's word," Father Malcolm said. She noticed a slight rasp in his voice, nearly a growl. Ainsley had never noticed it in the voice of another man. "However, those lustful thoughts will require penance. But I need to know the severity of your problem. What do you think about?"
The once light blush on her cheeks turned into a bright beating red. As if he could feel her embarrassment, Father added, "Do not fear, my child. Everyone has these thoughts once in a while, even I do. It is in our nature as humans, which is why we must repent."
If Father Malcolm had such thoughts, the holiest man she knew, perhaps she'd still have a spot in Heaven after all. Ainsley took another deep breath. "Well, I want him to kiss me more, to kiss my neck... I didn't let him touch my breasts but now I wish I did. And I," Ainsley paused. She thought about the right way to phrase it, but using the actual words in such a holy place felt wrong. "I want him to touch me down there, and I want to touch him down there too."
"I see," Father Malcolm said and leaned back in his seat. She heard his robes shuffle again, but didn't think anything of it. "And you think those thoughts while you touch yourself?"
"Yes, I do." Ainsley wrung her hands in her lap, wiping her clammy hands on the dark green plaid of her skirt. "And I want to have sex with him."
"Is that so?" he asked. Ainsley swore his rich voice was growing deeper. "Why do you want that?"
"I can't stop thinking about it, and I'll be leaving for university in a few months... I'm worried I'll be the only one who hasn't had anything more than a kiss, I don't even know what a real..."
"Cock?" Father Malcolm finished the sentence for her. "You don't have to censor yourself for me, I just want to understand."
Ainsley nodded. "Yes, I don't even know what a real... cock, looks like." Even with his reassurance, the word felt wrong, depraved, in her mouth. "But I've been thinking about the whole 'no sex before marriage' idea, and... God gave us free will, right? To choose salvation? Which means he's given us the free will to sin, and I... I want to sin, so badly."
"He did give us free will, yes," he said and paused. She wondered what he was thinking about, wondered if he thought she was the filthiest girl to enter the confessional. "And I understand your desires."
"You do?"
Father Malcolm chuckled. "I do, it hasn't been that long since I was your age." It was true, in comparison to the priest at her church, Father Malcolm was much younger. Ainsley didn't know exactly how old, but she had always assumed Father Malcolm was in his late twenties, perhaps his early thirties.
"So what do I do?" Ainsley asked. "I don't want to enter the world completely clueless, but I also don't want God to hate me."
"My child, you should know better by now," Father Malcolm started. Ainsley braced for his scolding. "Our God will never hate you, he is too good, and despite your impure thoughts you are still a pure child of His."
A wave of relief washed over her, Father Malcolm was much more gentle than she expected. "So what does that mean, what do I do about my thoughts?"
There was silence on the other side of the partition. Finally, Father Malcolm's deep voice filled the space again, "Kneel."
"What?"
"Kneel."
Ainsley wasn't sure what he meant, or what he was planning, but she wasn't one to disobey a holy man. She stood up and lowered herself to her knees in the space between the seat and the curtain. There was silence for a moment, until she heard Father Malcolm rise from his seat and open the curtain on his side. Another moment, and he pushed the curtain on her side open.
She looked up at him. The light filtering in through the stained glass windows backlighting his figure made him look like an angel sent from God. If Lucifer was said to be beautiful, the apostles forgot to mention Father Malcolm. When her eyes adjusted to the light, she saw his stern face staring down at her.
His lips were pursed in a thin line, and his brows were drawn together. She feared the brooding anger in his dark eyes, with eyelashes that looked like they had been individually painted by Michelangelo himself. Father's brown hair fell loosely around his face. The longer strands tucked behind his ear cascaded down his neck, stopping just below his chin.
Father Malcolm reached out and cupped her face with one hand, rubbing his thumb on her cheek. It was only seconds, but his silence felt like an excruciating hour. "Do you wish to learn, under the guidance of the Lord?" he asked quietly. His words hung in the air between them, accompanied only by their breathing.
"I don't want to sin," she whispered. The words themselves were a sin, but she didn't know what to do except lie. If Father Malcolm was offering to indulge her, she would accept. Once he started working at St. Mary's, issues with attendance to the holy hour all but disappeared.