Wishing Back 18-Year-Old Rochelle
I used to like to go to garage sales and buy shit that I neither needed nor could sell. In 1998, Rochelle and my garage looked like we are hoarders, and maybe we were.
I went to this garage sale and there was nothing but junk. There was a broken ski, some old empty bottles, a prosthetic leg, and an oil lamp which was very tarnished and probably was not repairable. But the lamp and the leg looked interesting never-the-less.
There were two people at the sale, me and the woman whose garage it was. She was actually quite pretty, with fire-red hair, a cute figure and some big boobs. She also was showing some cleavage which was nice.
"How much for the leg?" I asked.
The woman replied with an Irish accent, "$50. Do you need a prosthetic leg?"
I decide to have some fun so I stole a line from the Chevy Chase film Fletch.
"I was hoping to lease it with an option to buy," I smirked.
I did not need a broken ski so I shifted the conversation to the lamp.
"What can you tell me about the lamp?" I asked.
The woman paused.
"It was passed down through our family from generation to generation to my father and then to me. I was given it by my father because my brother Lindsey is an asshole and they never got along," she answered.
"That's all? Well at least I now know that you have a brother who is an asshole," I answered.
Besides looking down her shirt every chance I got, I was having fun entertaining both of us. My objectives were twofold: seeing her nipples and buying something; in that order.
So, I turned my attention back to the crap she had for sale. The lamp was intriguing; maybe my brother could clean it up or I could get it resurfaced professionally.
"How much for the lamp?" Ok, I asked.
She walked over to the lamp, bent down, picked it up and looked under the base. Just seeing her bend down was worth the $20. Her ass was large and beautiful. My cock would fit in it nicely, but back to the lamp.
"Ok, for you, I can do $50," she offered.
$50 for a fucking old oil lamp plus another $50 for the prosthetic leg. That seemed like a lot of money unless there was sex involved, and in that case, $100 was money well spent.
I snapped out of it. My wife Rochelle was back at the house doing whatever she does;. Either Masturbating with her pink vibrator and pretending it was some guy she fucked, watching a murder mystery or making a pie. I haven't got a clue.
My ADHD kicked in.
Neither the other guys that she slept with in college, nor all the ones that she did whatever with in the 36 countries that she visited, ever bothered me. Actually, it did in the beginning of our marriage.
She says it didn't matter, and it didn't. What matters to her is that I never find out what her exact number is (I think it is 16 before she met me-or double that) or whether it has changed since we got married.
There's always that guy that she met in a bar over 30 years ago, which she denies to this day; the one still living in her head, and by extension, in mine. I can't shake the feeling that if their paths ever crossed again, she'd melt in his arms.
Whenever we play truth or dare, and I ask her about him, she suddenly doesn't want to play anymore.
There are two guys that were important to her and who she doesn't know either of their names; the guy she gave her virginity to and the guy she met in a bar one night when she was romantically and sexually frustrated in San Diego.
"$50 for the leg and the lamp, you land-lover," I said in a pirate's voice that cracked us both up.
"$70 for both," she responded.
I reinspected the leg to see if it was hollow. Was there any money or loot stashed in there? Obviously there wasn't.
I went with the $70 and tried once more to see if I could get a glance at her nipples or have her go lower on the price...I wasn't successful at either.
I put the leg in my trunk and tossed the lamp on the passenger seat next to me and drove home.
When I brought the leg into the house, and it was rather heavy.
Rochelle said, "Are you fucking kidding me Jerry? Seriously? What the fuck are you going to do with the leg? You're not fucking Long John Silber!" *
I put the leg down on the floor and went back to the car to retrieve the lamp. I passed right by my angry wife and went straight into the garage. This was not unusual. The garage was my man cave.
My garage always smelled like pot; I'm sorry, cannabis. I filled a bong with honey bud, a high potency bud dipped in hash oil with keef sprinkled on it. It was quite a cannabis cocktail.
After my fifth hit, I sat down on the couch and started to try to get some of the gunk off the lamp with a rag. I started rubbing the lamp and some of the tarnish was coming off as the rag got stained.
There was a lot of smoke in the garage and I decided to take a sixth hit and blew it into the spout of the lamp and watched it escape. All awhile I was starting to get tired from all the cannabis that I had inhaled.
It looked like a little lizard came out of the lamp. SoCal was full of them. Maybe he lived in it. My eyes were closing.
Maybe I was dreaming. The lizard looked and me and said, "Thank you for freeing me from this lamp. In turn, I will grant you just one wish. Wish wisely."
Damn it. One wish. World peace? The end of world hunger? Money?
It would have been awesome to fuck my wife when she was 18, with her legendary frosted hair. Her first romantic experience was unmemorable. But what if I was her first? What if she gave her virginity to me?
Rochelle was smoking hot in college. Every guy wanted to fuck her. She wore tight tiny shorts, no bra, with her tits barley hidden by a sheer shirt, or a thin, worn tee shirt. Her brown hair with blond highlights complimented her bronze skin. She was only 117 lbs. She was quite the woman and I wanted to be the guy that she loses her virginity with. It was my right as an American.
"Lizard, I want to go back in time to when my wife was a virgin and at college. I want to be there for 24 hours," I commanded.
The lizard looked puzzled. "Which one?"
I asked, "which one what?"
The lizard responded, "At college or...it doesn't matter. Ok, I'll grant you your wish."
My head cleared and I was back in college. But nothing looked familiar. It wasn't a college that I had ever been to.
There were all these guys that looked like they should be in beach commercials, and girls with tans and big tits. All the sudden, Rochelle had lustful competition.
I wondered around the main building and was surrounded by both students and faculty, but no Rochelle in sight. The other unintended benefit of the granted wish was that I was 18 again and all my body parts worked. Whoopee. I looked hot and this was going to be fun.
Finally, I saw Rochelle dressed exactly how I thought she would be dressed: in slutty shorts, a sheer worn shirt leaving little to the imagination, and frosted hair. I knew it. She was talking to some guy who was trying to ask my fucking wife out on a date.
I went over to her and through a wrench in her plans.
"Hey, that sore on your lip heeled nicely," I said.
The guy said he had to go and took off. Rochelle looked pissed.
"What the fuck! Who the hell are you," she yelled.