All of my writing is fiction, although I reserve the right to include incidents (not people) from my life as well. All characters who need to be are eighteen years of age or older. I hope you enjoy it.
* * * * *
When I was forty-two, I decided that life was passing me by.
A little over one year later, I was sure I had fallen further behind.
I was forty-three; my twenty-two-year-old daughter was newly married and moved to England, and I was at loose ends, not having any idea what my future might hold.
I had one person I could legitimately call a close friend, my next-door neighbor Marla, who, bless her heart, encouraged me to volunteer. She said it was so fulfilling; at the animal shelter, a hospital, with the homeless, at a food bank. The fact that her husband had died two years ago and she wasn't volunteering anywhere made me skeptical of her suggestions. She did have her eighteen-year-old son still living at home; he was at least company for her.
I watched her crossing my backyard, wondering if I'd be getting more advice. I chastised myself for being so negative, but I was finding it difficult to be otherwise lately. The gray hairs I was noticing sneaking in amongst my normal light brown were nearly invisible to everyone... except me, but they were nevertheless disconcerting. At least I had the house, a decent job, and a little money in the bank. Things could certainly be worse than a few gray hairs.
Since it was Saturday, both of us had the day to ourselves. For me, that wasn't always good, but at least it was bright and sunny, a big help in shaping my attitude. A dismal, rainy day sometimes made me wonder if it was worth it. These feelings were usually fleeting but painful nevertheless.
"Good morning, Danica. It's already kind of hot, but I love the sun, don't you?"
I found the broad smile on her face made things seem a little brighter.
"I do," I agreed, pushing thoughts of dismal days to the back of my mind.
"Dayton always loved the sunshine."
I watched a tender smile form on Marla's face as she mentioned her deceased husband. He'd been dead a little over two years, the victim of a plane crash in the South Pacific. Insurance money allowed Marla and her son, Cody, to keep the life they were used to -- except for Dayton, of course.
"I miss him," she added quietly. Marla was very private with talk of her husband; I was sure because she didn't want to bore people with memories that were precious to her but perhaps not to others. Nevertheless, I enjoyed listening to her, seeing the passion on her face, the words they had shared that had a special meaning for the two of them. Despite her occasionally obvious anguish at his not being here, I was envious of what they had shared in their years together.
"I know it's not very comforting now, but it seems you had a wonderful relationship filled with great memories." I watched her blinking, struggling to hold back tears.
"That's so true, Danica. I do treasure that... and them." She took a deep breath. "So, let's talk about you for a while." She smiled at me expectantly.
"I'm boring," I said, never anxious to share myself with others. It was selfish, and I'm not sure what else, but it was me.
Marla looked at me, and I sensed a stubbornness about her today. The way she was smiling at me only reinforced that feeling. Her dark brown eyes had an almost devious gleam about them, and I wondered what I might be in for.
"Danica, you're an attractive woman. You've had to have some men in your life, but if you don't want to talk about it, I understand that too."
The very expectant and curious look I was receiving was creating a feeling of guilt as I tried to rationalize my reluctance to share. Nothing I had done was criminal or dangerous. It was just unusual and often misunderstood. Marla was as good a friend as I'd ever had, and if I'd share with anyone, it would be her. But...
"Men in my life? Yes, but not for a long time." I paused, but there was no valid reason not to tell her. "Have you ever heard of polyamory?" There, I'd said it, and I knew I'd have to say more.
A puzzled look. "No, I don't know what that is, but it sounds psychological or something."
"I guess so, but it's just a name." I paused, squinting one eye. "I'm not sure I can clearly define it, so if you want me to, I'll just share my experience with you. If you've got time," I added.
"If you've got coffee, I've got time." Marla seemed to settle back in her chair, apparently ready for whatever I had to say.
So I made coffee, and we sat in the two loungers strategically placed in the shade of the broad-leaf Norway maple, a bit of relief from the sun and its inherent heat.
Just as we'd settled in, we heard a voice from the other side of the board fence that partially separated the two yards.
"Mom! Where are you?" It was Cody.
"I'm over at Danica's, honey."
Cody quickly appeared around the fence, and I knew what was coming.
"Miss Witkin, hello," he said, a huge smile on his face.
I found Cody to be an interesting contradiction. He was tall, well over six feet, as his father had been. I'd seen photos of Marla and Dayton together, and he was considerably taller than her. Cody looked strong but avoided athletics, content to be an excellent student and a developing pianist. Not a concert pianist, but just for personal enjoyment. He wore fairly thick glasses which distorted his eyes, but I had seen him without them, and he was a moderately handsome young man.
"Hello, Cody. How's school going?"
"Very well, Miss Witkin. And, thanks for asking." He looked at his mother, then back to me. "May I get either of you more coffee?"
"You bet," Marla said. "Just bring the pot out if that's okay with you, Danica."
"Sure," I said, watching Cody go through my back door.
Marla chuckled. "He thinks you're hot," she said quietly.
"No!" I exclaimed, a little too loudly, looking over my shoulder at the back door.
"It slipped out, and he was so embarrassed."
"Geesh. I'm forty-three, and he's eighteen." I could barely believe what I'd just heard. I'd been blessed with good genes and tried to take care of myself. I went to the gym occasionally but wasn't diligent about it. I never try to hide that I'm forty-three because I have no aspirations about luring a man into my lair.
Cody was quickly back and took my cup to refill it, brushing my hand with his as he did. It was something I wouldn't have noticed five minutes ago but now caught my attention and made me wonder. He filled his mother's cup too, then turned back to me.
"Miss Witkin, are you sure you wouldn't like to have me mow your grass? I see you doing it, and, well, it just looks like hard work. I'd be happy to do it, and my payment would be just an apple or a cherry pie." His smile revealed a perfect-looking set of white teeth.
Was I suddenly paranoid, thinking that Cody was watching me when I was in the yard? Evidently, I was. If I baked him an apple pie, would he want to come into my house to eat it with me? And what would be wrong with that? As I'd said before. I'm forty-three, and he's eighteen. What harm could there be?
Cody had initially been looking for his mother, but now he seemed intent on talking with me.
I looked at him, the smiling and eager look on his face, white teeth sparkling; it was hard to comprehend that he found me "hot." That was also making it difficult to meet his gaze.
How ridiculous
I thought,
that an eighteen-year-old could make me feel so self-conscious.
I took a deep breath and looked directly into his thick-glass-distorted eyes.
"When do you want to start?" I could see Marla giving me a
you don't have to do that
look, but if I could supply a little joy and excitement for my neighbor's son, even if it were a touch, well, strange perhaps, why not? I wondered if it was me that was looking for a little joy and excitement.
"Just let me know when you think it needs it," he replied, a very satisfied look brightening his face. He turned to his mother. "Going to Larry's. I'll text you. Bye now, Miss Witkin." He waved to me and disappeared around the fence.
"You didn't need to do that, Danica." Marla chuckled. "And I shouldn't have told you what he said." She laughed.
"Why not? Gave my ego a boost for sure." When I said that, I realized it was true, even if it was a touch feeble.
Marla paused for a moment. "Now that he's gone, you can go on telling me about that poly-whatever you started before."
I hoped she had forgotten about that, but no such luck. I'd just stumble through and see what developed.
"Oh boy. Well, here goes. When I was in college, a sophomore I think, I enjoyed partying. And I enjoyed the
after party
even more." I glanced at Marla, and her wide-eyed look told me she understood the meaning of what I'd said.
"One day, I was in the student union eating lunch in The Tavern. It was packed, but I found about the only empty seat in the place. The guy next to me turned out to be talkative... and pleasantly handsome. Before I'd finished my fries, he'd asked me for a date. I didn't realize what effect a simple yes would have on my life."
I looked at Marla.
"More coffee?"
"Sure," she said, giving me a chance to collect myself and my thoughts.
I filled our cups, burning my lips while concentrating on what I was going to say rather than the near-scalding beverage in my cup.
"You okay?" Marla asked.
"I'll live," I chuckled.
But I needed to finish my story for Marla.
"Reid and I had our date, and it couldn't have been better. He was kind, considerate, a wonderful conversationalist, and he seemed to understand me much more than I could have expected. We dated more and, well..." I paused and could feel my cheeks warming, "the sex was great. He seemed to be perfect, and I started thinking forever thoughts, you know?"
I was surprised that I was sharing these things with Marla as I'd only ever told this story in bits and pieces, never the whole thing to anyone.
"It's kind of the way I was with Dayton," Marla said when I paused. "Including the sex," she added, I think trying to ease my self-consciousness.
"I had met several of his friends during our dating but hadn't gotten to spend much time with them. Once we'd sort of decided we fit together so well, we began spending more time with them. Reid told me they were all very warm and friendly people and just to relax when I was around them. It made sense but seemed a little strange, and I wasn't sure what he wanted.
"There were three other couples that seemed to be close friends, and we all gathered for a party. We had dinner, which was delicious, and afterward, lots of beer and wine was available. Reid had mentioned polyamory to me, and I think he expected me to look it up and question him about it. I didn't and forgot all about it. My bad.
"Anyway, I had my glass of wine and saw that Reid was having a conversation with a very pretty lady I had met once. I wasn't alone for very long, though. One of the other men came up to me, put his arm around my shoulder, and said he'd like to get to know me a little better. If he was a good friend of Reid's, I needed to get to know hIm too."
I looked at Marla who seemed a little confused.
"Let me make it short. Reid and the others were a group that believed you could have romantic relationships with more than one person at a time... including sex. After that guy had pawed me a little and made a few suggestive remarks, which I eventually understood were not unusual, I grabbed Reid and asked what the hell was going on. It was his turn to be confused. He asked if I'd read about polyamory and when I said no, he took me outside and explained.
"It was then that I made my big mistake. I was in love with Reid and didn't want to lose him. I'd been a little wild in the past -- multiple partners with lots of sex, and I rationalized that I could be that way again if it would help me keep Reid. I was hoping we'd eventually marry, and everything would change. It was weird. I was with Reid most of the time, and he was the most caring and loving man I could want. All the rest of the men were great guys, but I wasn't in love with them.
