Wallflower Blooms

Being a femcel fucking sucks.

Don't know what a femcel is? Well, you probably know what an

incel

is--it means

'involuntarily celibate.'

Unlike incels though, femcels don't resort to violence or act out towards the opposite sex--instead, we usually just fangirl over fictional characters or celebrities we'll never have a chance with, or simply just daydream about the kind of guys we'd

like

to be with.

I don't like to admit that I'm a femcel, it's embarrassing. I'm twenty years old and still haven't had sex? Preposterous! People say it's so easy for girls to lose their virginity. Sure, maybe it's easy for

pretty

girls, but I've never been one of those. I've always been kind of on the chubbier side, and I was one of the only

colored

girls in my community growing up, surrounded by skinny, pretty white girls who all the cute jocks would jokingly tease and flirt with.

Every time my friends and I would hang out somewhere, the guys would always flirt with them, but never with me. I never got hit on, even as a joke. I guess guys just thought flirting with me even for fun would be like torturing a dead animal on the road that already got run over a few times.

It didn't help that I also was terrible at doing my makeup. I tried to follow the makeup tutorials on YouTube using my makeup that I saved up to buy, and I ended up looking like a cheap clown.

I hated it, I hated being the only one of my friends who was still a virgin, I hated not being one of the

'pretty girls'

that could just get any guy they wanted. The fact was, I was doomed to end up with some mediocre guy I was only

sort of

attracted to because he liked me for my

'personality.'

Ugh. All I wanted was one of

those

gorgeous and outgoing

'cool'

guys, the ones that were much too cool to ever talk to me.

I thought I would be chained to this lame and dull life of being a sad, pitiful virgin--but all that changed when I got a text from my best friend, telling me about a house party she wanted to go to with me.

That party was the night that all changed. It was the night I met

Cameron Hayes.

My eyes were closed as I sat back in the desk chair, letting Sierra work her makeup magic on my face. I wasn't used to this, but Sierra

insisted

that she'd give me a makeover. So, of course, I let her. I couldn't refuse if she wanted to that badly.

I heard her sigh before she pulled away, taking a few steps back. "Okay, you can open your eyes," she said before I slowly opened my eyes, seeing that she had a big grin on her face.

"Do I look okay?" I asked her, feeling a bit self-conscious. "See for yourself," she said, gesturing towards the mirror. I got up from the chair before walking to the mirror, gasping and widening my eyes when I saw myself.

I looked like a completely elevated version of myself--Sierra knew exactly what to do to make me look absolutely

stunning.

The way she contoured my face and used eyeshadow and eyeliner plus fake eyelashes to enhance my eyes, and the shimmery lip gloss upon my lips was the perfect finishing touch. Makeup truly

was

magic.

Along with the long strands of hair that stuck out from my ponytail framing my face, my high-rise skinny jeans that hugged my waist and legs, and the tight shirt that showed off my cleavage, I actually looked

hot.

Sierra and I went shopping at the mall the week before, and she picked out these clothes for me--and she sure knew what to pick.

"Wow," is all I could say, cracking a smile. I almost felt like I could cry at how beautiful I looked. I actually felt as if I could fit in to some Instagram influencer's squad photo.

I turned to look at Sierra. "Thank you," I said, feeling genuinely grateful for her help. It was like I was Cinderella and she was my fairy godmother. Or, perhaps my fairy

best friend?

Sierra just giggled and took my hands. "You look so good. I'm sure you're going to steal some hearts tonight."

I blushed and shook my head. "I doubt it..."

"Come on, Nadine. You gotta have more confidence in yourself," she encouraged. "We're gonna go party and have a great time, okay?"

I exhaled deeply before closing my eyes and nodding. "Okay," I said, trusting her words. I knew that Sierra was almost always right about everything--so I just hoped that she would be right this time...

Sierra and I took an

Uber

to the house party. I was a bit nervous, I had never been to a house party before--I was never invited to any in high school. I was mostly excited though, I always wanted to go to one of those crazy house parties that I'd see in TV shows.

We arrived at our destination and thanked the driver before climbing out of the car, standing in the driveway of a fancy suburban home, and we could already hear the music blasting from inside the house as people our age were sitting on the lawn or on the porch, having drinks and talking to each other.

"Ready to head in?" Sierra asked me, and I took a deep breath before nodding. We headed into the house, and it was a fuss just trying to get through the front door from how many people were gathered around it. After politely excusing ourselves and asking people to move aside, we made it in.

It certainly was crowded, I was surprised that people my age

actually

partied like this and not just in the movies. Sierra held onto my arm as she led me through the crowd, the smell of sweat and alcohol in the air as loud trap music blasted through the speakers while a bunch of drunk frat boys sang along.

I was definitely hoping I could maybe snatch one of those frat boys for myself for the night.

Sierra and I finally made it to the kitchen to get some drinks. There seemed to be a plastic bag filled with disposable shot cups stacked neatly inside. "Let's do a few shots to get ourselves going," Sierra suggested, and I nodded back at her before she took two shot cups and put them down, then began to open up the glass bottle of clear liquor and poured liquor into our cups. She then handed me the cup before we silently clinked our cups together, then downed them. I didn't really drink alcohol,

ever

actually, so after I finished my shot I began to go into a coughing fit.

"Are you okay?" Sierra asked me, and I nodded before sticking out my tongue. "Yeah, I'm fine..." I managed to say in a weak voice as she laughed. "C'mon, let's do two more."

After the four shots were kicking in, I was beginning to feel more relaxed and sociable. Sierra and I didn't know anyone here--apparently Sierra got invited to the party by some college guys who came up to her on campus and hit on her. That would have never happened to

me.

Sierra and I stood against a free space on the wall and tried to hold a conversation despite the loud music blasting all throughout the house. As we were trying to chat, a pretty girl with really nice eyebrows smiled as she came over to talk to us. "Hey, I wanted to tell y'all that you're both pretty as hell," she said with a giggle. "What are the two of you doing with your back on the wall?"

We shrugged. "I'm still scouting for some cute guys," Sierra said.

The girl nodded. "I actually think those guys over there have been eyeing you two," she said as she subtly gestured towards a group of tall, good-looking guys wearing jerseys of their favourite hockey team. They seemed to be checking us out, but they were definitely looking at Sierra.

Sierra smirked. "Know anything about them?" She asked the girl with a curious lift of her brow. "Hockey jocks from

Halton

University."

"Ooh, I love hockey jocks," Sierra mused. I wanted to question her and ask,

'since when?'

But I knew she thought they were hot. They certainly were!

"Let's go dance," she said before pulling me along to join the crowd. I just followed Sierra's lead as we danced a little bit, getting into the music as we moved our bodies.

The more the music played and the more I danced, I couldn't help but get lost in the loud music that was blasting, feeling the rhythm in my blood as I continued to dance with a smile on my face. I felt so good, it felt so fun dancing and losing myself to the music. I didn't care who was around me, I felt like I was completely on cloud nine as I swayed to the song.

"Nadine, look," Sierra shook my arm and looked over at the hockey jocks. They looked us down up and back up before smirking or winking at us, but I definitely knew they were looking at Sierra...

The dark-haired guy who appeared to be the leader of their crew made his way over through the crowd with a solo cup in his hand. He smiled when he came up to Sierra. "Hey, couldn't help but notice your moves. You're pretty hot," he shouted over the music to her as she giggled. "Thanks, you're pretty hot yourself," she shouted back with a smile.

He smirked. "I'm Vince, you?" He asked as he raised a brow at her.

"Sierra," she said. He nodded. "So, Sierra... You wanna maybe...

'talk'

upstairs where it's quieter?" He asked her. Sierra looked at me with a pleading look, and I nodded at her before she smiled and turned back to him. "Yeah, let's go," she said and offered her hand before he smiled back and took it to lead her through the crowd to head upstairs.

I just pursed my lips and stood there, getting jostled around by the crowd before sighing and deciding that I needed to get some air. I made my way through the crowd to head for the backdoor of the house, opening up the glass door before closing it as I could finally have some peace and quiet.

I sighed and sat down on the steps that led off the porch and to the backyard. There were a group of people talking amongst each other in the backyard, and some girl on the other side of the porch, smoking a cigarette and minding her business as she seemed engrossed in her phone.

I sighed and just took my time to relax for a moment.

Of course she'd end up getting to hook up with a cute guy... And I'd end up alone again.

I looked up at the evening sky, listening to the crickets chirp.

I was right... No matter how hard I try to be one of the pretty girls, I'm doomed to still never get any guy to notice me. Why should I even bother?

I pulled out my phone and decided to check how my Instagram meme page was doing, being greeted with tons of likes and messages from other people in my online friend circle.

Ha, at least online, people actually care about me... Or at least the persona that I present.

I heard the door slide open as I heard the music from inside for a brief moment before the door closed again. Someone else must have wanted to step outside, too.

"Hey," I heard a voice say, presumingly male. I assumed that he wasn't talking to me, so I just continued to scroll on my phone. It wasn't until I felt someone nudge my side, and I looked over to see a high top shoe and khakis. My eyes followed them up to see an attractive guy with slicked back light brown hair in a hockey jersey, giving me a little smile. "Hey," he greeted again. I recognized him as one of the guys who were checking Sierra and I out...

"Oh, hello..." I awkwardly greeted back with a tight smile. "Mind if I sit with you?" He asked me, and I widened my eyes.

What? He wants to sit with me? Why?

"Um, sure, yeah," I said before scooting over to let him take a seat beside me on the stairs. He sighed when he finally got to adjust himself to be comfortable. I felt so shy having a cute guy like this sitting so close beside me.

He smiled. "How's your night going?" He asked me and I looked away from him and nodded. "It's... It's okay, I guess," I said.

I can't possibly look him in the eyes--he's so attractive it's intimidating!

"Where are you and your friend from?" He asked. "Not that far... We live about fifteen minutes away, I think. We took an

Uber

here," I said.

"Oh, cool. I'm Cam, by the way. Full name Cameron Hayes, if you're interested, though," he said with a soft chuckle that made my heart flutter.

"I'm Nadine," I said quietly, feeling my heart beating a bit faster as this guy talked to me. "Nadine Perez."

"Nadine? That's a pretty name," he said. "What's your background, Nadine?"

He thinks my name is pretty?

I blushed and tucked a loose piece of my hair behind my ear. "My parents are from the Philippines, but I was born here," I said.

"Ah, I see. That's cool, one of my buddies is from the Philippines. He's chill," he said with a nod before taking a sip from his solo cup he was holding. "I was born here, too. I'm half-Dutch, but that's all I know, really. My mom is Dutch, my dad was probably some white dude. I mean, I'm white as fuck, so..."

I just gave him a little smile and nod in response before looking down again as we sat in silence for a few seconds. "So, how old are you, Nadine?" He asked me, breaking the silence.

I sighed. "Twenty," I said with a bit of sadness.

I don't like saying it out loud, I feel so old...

He seemed relieved to hear my age. "Nice, so am I," he said with a smile. "You go to school?"

I shook my head. "Not currently, no. I work part-time at McDonald's."

His face twisted into a pained expression. "Oh man, I'm so sorry. I used to work at McDonald's a few years ago, it

suuuucks."

I couldn't help but giggle. "Yeah, it really does. But you know... Gotta get that bag."

"Yeah, for sure, wishing you good luck though," he said. "So, what made you come to this party?"

I shrugged, looking down at the ground as I kicked a pebble off the step that landed down on the cement path. "My friend got invited and wanted me to come with her, but I don't usually go to parties." I sighed. "I just hoped maybe I could have fun just for one night, but she's already off hooking up with a cute guy, and I'm out here..."

"You don't know what the party is for?" He asked me with amusement as I shook my head. He sat up and popped the collar of his jersey to show it off. "The

Sea Lions

won last week!"

"Ah, I see..." I said with a slow nod. "I don't watch sports."

"Ha, it's cool. What are you into, then?" He asked, going back to his sitting position where he was actively listening. It surprised me that he actually wanted to talk to me and know about me, I wasn't used to it...

But somehow, I was beginning to feel more comfortable talking to him.

"Well... I like posting on Instagram," I said sheepishly, feeling a little embarrassed to admit that. "I run a dumb meme page."

"Oh wow, really?" He began to pull out his phone. "What's the username? I wanna check it out. I like memes."

I widened my eyes and blushed deeper.

I thought he would think I'm a loser... But he's actually interested...!

I told him my username as he pulled up my meme account on Instagram, making me feel so shy seeing my own profile on his phone screen. "Oh shit, you've got a ton of followers. You're like, famous," he said with a light chuckle. "I'll follow you," he said before tapping the

'follow'

button with his thumb. "Do you have a main?"

I scratched my head. "I do, but I don't really post on it that much..."

"Can I follow your main?" He asked me, and I nodded. "Sure, if you want to..."

I gave him the username of my main account, the account that I use for family and people who knew me from school to follow. He searched it up, and went onto my profile to check out the few pictures I posted. He opened my recent selfie and left a like on it.

I went on my phone to log onto my main Instagram account, and saw that I received a new like and follow from

cam.hayes21.

I smiled to myself before following him back.

"What's the twenty-one in your username for?" I asked him as I looked through his profile. He didn't seem to post much either, only pictures of him with his friend group or family, or of him with his hockey team, and some nature photos. "My team number on the hockey team back in middle school. I kept it 'cause it kinda means a lot to me, I miss those days. Some of my best friends today were on that team."

I locked my phone before Cameron slightly adjusted his sitting position, leaning his back against the wall as he smiled at me. "Your makeup's nice. You do it yourself?"

I shook my head and softly chuckled. "Ah, no... My best friend who I came here with did it for me."

"Well, she did a good job. You look really pretty, but I'm sure you look really pretty too without it."

I blushed deeper and looked away from him. "No way... I only look decent tonight

because

of the makeup..."

"Nah, I doubt that. You're cute," he said as he smiled wider. I felt butterflies in my stomach and my heart felt warm at his words.

"Guys never paid any attention to me growing up... I just have myself convinced that I'm completely undesirable," I said sadly.

"Then they're all idiots," he said seriously, as if he was angry that I would say that about myself. "I think you're cute as fuck, I seriously haven't been able to take my eyes off of you since I first saw you inside."

I was speechless.

A guy like this really is attracted to me...? I must be dreaming...

He sipped his drink again, and I could tell he was noticing how insecure I was. "If I wasn't interested in you, I wouldn't go out of my way to talk to you," he pointed out. "In fact... I think I wanna do

more

than just talk."

I raised my head and looked at him with wide eyes, and he smiled--it was a warm smile, like he was being genuine. "You wanna find a room inside? You don't have to if you don't want to, but I really

would

love it if we could head somewhere more private together."

My heart was beating strong and hard in my chest, feeling as if it would explode.

He's offering to have sex with me... This is the first time I ever had a guy notice me and felt attracted to me, so... Why not? I'm not getting any younger, this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to lose my virginity to a cute guy that I always dreamed of being with!

I nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that," I said with a smile. He smiled wider before standing up, offering me his hand to pull me up as well. We headed back inside the party, and I followed him through the crowd to go upstairs.

All the rooms seemed occupied, but a couple had

just

left one of the bedrooms, leaving it vacant for use. Cam looked at me as I nodded in confirmation, letting him know I wanted to head in. We got inside the bedroom and closed the door behind us. The bedroom was simple and neat, but the bedsheets seemed to be messed up from the couple who spent time here before us.

I stood there by the door awkwardly as Cam went around the room inspecting everything before sitting down on the bed. "You can sit down if you want to," he said with a light chuckle, gesturing beside him.

I gulped nervously and nodded before walking over to sit beside him on the bed, hearing the mattress slightly squeak once I sat down. We took off our shoes before Cameron and I just gazed into each other's eyes. His green eyes were so beautiful, I felt myself getting lost in them.

I'm really sitting alone in this bedroom with this cute guy with me, I never thought this would actually happen,

I thought to myself.

Cam tucked my loose strands of hair sticking out from my ponytail behind my ears as he moved closer, his face slowly moving towards mine as he began to close his eyes.

I... I never kissed anyone before...

I thought before I closed my eyes and let him press his lips against mine. There weren't fireworks or anything, but it felt really nice kissing someone for the first time.

His lips were soft as they moved against mine, and I awkwardly just sat there, kissing him back as I let him take the lead. He brought his hands to the sides of my face as we continued to kiss, the scent of his cheap cologne and the feeling of his breath against me giving me a bit of butterflies.