This Time Together

Todd sat down with a flop next to me. He smelled like whatever that detergent was he always used. I felt my pulse quicken like it had a thousand times when he was this close. Tingle in my scalp. My stomach tightened a little.

"Thanks for making this happen," he said with a sigh, easing back into the overstuffed couch. "It's good to finally be away."

"Yeah, I know," I said, trying to mimic his relaxation, even though I felt like I was twitching with electricity with every inhale.

The cabin was warm, as dusk settled over the wide fields and distant trees outside the large windows on either side of the fireplace.

"You...you want a fire?" I asked, trying to find anything to fixate on other than how close his thigh was to mine. There were chairs flanking the couch. Why was he sitting right here?

"Absolutely," he said. "You any good at that? I feel like every time I try, I spend an hour just fighting for a single flame."

"Yeah," I said with a smile.

Letting my lips free like that felt risky--like I was smiling too much. Did he notice? Of course not. Calm down.

I stood up with a bounce in my best effort at conveying a nonchalance I certainly didn't feel. I pulled aside the grate over the broad stone fireplace and started grabbing twigs and pieces of bark from the woodpile nearby.

"You...you just gotta start with things that are small enough to catch quickly, give them space to breathe and then move to, uh, bigger and bigger pieces until you get to the split logs so that by then there's a nice solid core of coals. Don't crowd or try to rush. Let air circulate but not so much that you can't get the critical mass of heat. I guess."

I had my back to him while I was crouched and arranging everything. When I turned to grab a bit of newspaper and matches to get things started, I realized he was staring at me with a smirk.

"What?" I asked, suddenly feeling a bit self conscious.

"Nothing," he said with a toothier smile. "You're just cute when you go into information mode."

What the fuck did he just say?

I couldn't hold eye contact. My face was so hot it could have lit the fire for me. So I just kind of chuckled and shrugged while I fumbled with the matches. I struck a couple, which was more than I needed to because the first one did the job. But I couldn't think of what to say or do exactly, so something intentional like adding more matches just kept me busy for a second. The paper went up quickly and started curling the tips of twigs as things grew steadily. Adding more matches would start to look silly. So I stood back up.

I almost went for a chair instead of returning to my spot beside Todd--just out of instinct. A little extra space was my default. The best way to make sure no one thought too much. Or noticed if I did.

Todd patted the couch cushion exaggeratedly.

"Come enjoy a job well done," he exclaimed warmly. "Look at it go."

Now I really couldn't sit anywhere else. That'd just be too obvious and probably insulting. So I sat back where I had been, taking in the blazing results of my accurate efforts.

What am I supposed to do with my arms?

I just kind of let them rest at my sides.

"Ok, now let me do what I know how to do," said Todd, bounding up off the couch as well and strolling over to the broad countertop behind us. I heard glasses clink and the thick pop of a stopper coming out of the top of a bottle.

"Mm, I know that sound," I said, trying to seem as comfortable and free as Todd always was. "What'd you do?"

"I know what I'm doing, man," laughed Todd. "I bought this the day you first asked me about this weekend. Glenlivet...eighteen it says? Eighteen years old I guess? Is that good? Ok, maybe I don't know what I'm doing."

He laughed as I heard the glugs filling the glasses.

"Is that good?" he asked again, his hand appearing over my shoulder with a half-full glass of dark brown scotch.

"That...is a lot," I laughed. "But, yeah it's good."

"But not your favorite," he added. "I can already tell."

"No, no--Glenlivet is great," I said quickly, taking a deep sip.--

"Yeah but when you're really into something...I can tell the difference."

Todd eased himself down carefully with his own glass. Somehow, he was sitting even closer. Our legs were softly touching now. I took another long full sip and then a slow breath.

"Thanks," I said. "It's genuinely really good. And not cheap."

"Gotta try my best! You're hard to satisfy."

He smiled as he sipped.

"Ok, yeah that is good," he said. "I did a good job. Maybe this is my favorite."

I laughed. I smiled. It lingered. He smiled as he drank. He closed his eyes for a moment to savor. We sat silently. We could do that. We did that all the time. Quiet or not, sharing or not, just together. Why did this, here, feel like...so much?

Twenty minutes later, our glasses were empty and my head felt spacious and light. I couldn't even tell if I was smiling for real anymore or if it was just my insides. Warm. Calm. But not detached or lost. Very, very present. The fire popped, bouncing sparks off the grate.

"Another?" asked Todd, waving his glass gently.

"In a little bit I think," I said. "This night will wrap up really quickly if I do that again too soon."

"Good point," sighed Todd, still smiling though. "Don't want that. The whole point was to enjoy the time, not forget it."

Silence again. We sat. We watched the flames.

"So what do you normally do up here?" he asked. "When it's just you, I mean. I know how much this place means to you. Just wondering how you do it right."

"I mean, truly whatever," I said with a shrug. "That's the appeal. Literally nothing demanding anything of anyone out here. You can just kind of...be here. Follow your impulses. Or not--it doesn't matter."

"So in other words, eat, drink, and jerk off?" laughed Todd.

"Exactly," I laughed back. I mean, he wasn't wrong actually. But I felt a rush, even through the buzz of scotch. Like he found me out.

"Sounds good to me," said Todd, setting his empty glass aside and stretching his arms widely overhead. His shirt lifted enough to see the shadow of dark hair below his belly button on his flat, tight stomach.

It took a second to realize I'd stopped breathing. When he leaned back again, that brief glimpse of skin and hair disappeared. I blinked hard and looked away. Did he notice?

"Ok, so that's one outta three down," he said, reaching over and gently turning his empty glass.

"Yeah, we're doing well," I said with a smile, but I felt tense and hot.

"So what's left?" he said with raised eyebrows and a mischievous look. "Eating or jerking off?"

I laughed. I shook my head and looked away. I should have said something but I literally forgot what words were for a minute.

"I--I mean we can eat if you want," I said after a beat, sidestepping the more obvious line of his joke. It was a joke, right?

"Boo...." he said, with his exaggerated thumbs-down waving it at me.

I laughed again, but it felt hollow. My face was so warm and I felt my fingers shaking.

"I'm kidding man," he laughed, seeing through my obviously failing attempts at coping. "Nah, I'm not hungry."

That only kind of defused the steadily tightening knot in my stomach.

"I mean I could jerk off, don't get me wrong," he laughed, leaning back against the couch harder. His legs widened and pressed against me more. "But that's almost always true."

I just smiled and breathed shakily through my nose. Couldn't even fake a laugh. I felt him looking at me. I couldn't look back.

"Too much?" he asked quietly. I finally looked over at him. His eyes were softer, his smile tighter. Suddenly he looked uncomfortable.

"Oh, shit, no, sorry man," I said quickly. "It's fine. I'm--it wasn't."

Todd raised his hand calmly to stop me.

"It's ok," he said. "Sometimes I can be a little too--"

"No, seriously--" I interrupted. "I didn't even..."

We both just stopped and sat quietly, our eyes bouncing to and from each other.

"Sorry," I finally said. "I get...sometimes I get a little weird with...talking about stuff like that. I've gotten a lot better as an adult, don't get me wrong. But...still always kind of have a bit of a hurdle in my head I have to get over."

"Yeah, I know," said Todd, nodding softly. "I've noticed."

"Cool," I said sarcastically, looking down.

"No, I just mean I know you've got some reservations sometimes," said Todd quickly. "It's ok. Most people do, too. I guess I just didn't grow up with that as much. It's not a big deal. We all have our stuff. That's just yours. I've got plenty I'm sure."

"Yeah, I guess so," I said quietly. A nothing response to just try to even out my heartbeat.

Quiet again for a bit. The fire was getting dim now.

"I should...uh...I should get this," I said as I got up off the couch to move toward the fire. I felt my thumb trembling a little as I tried to slide the grate over. My hand felt weak, but eventually I found the fire poker and was able to use the firm leverage to steady myself as I moved logs around and grabbed a few more. I stood up slowly once the fire was raging. I turned around. Todd was just watching me again. He wasn't smiling, but he was just kind of...looking. And he didn't break away when I saw him looking.

I tugged on my shirt a bit to straighten it out. It had ridden up a little in my squatting and fussing with the fire. He just watched, and I saw his eyes glance over me from socks to face. And he saw me see him do it. He smiled, closed his eyes, and settled into the couch more deeply. I paused. I looked at him as he just relaxed with his eyes still shut, gently resting.

His face was stubbly as always. His dark hair was thick and cascaded to the side slightly--that disheveled and yet somehow flowing, effortlessly elegant way it always fell. I'd given up my disappearing hair a long time ago and resigned myself to embracing a shaved, bald dome. I pulled it off ok, I liked to think, and at least I had a formidable beard to take pride in instead. Todd's lean, solid frame filled out his t-shirt snuggly in a way that I always clocked. Couldn't not notice. It was one of the first things I ever noticed about him. If I was honest, it had motivated me to get my shit together years ago and reshape my whole body to a similar state. But I still felt like a chubby sidekick most of the time, at least on the inside. He never treated me like that, though.

Right.

I let that sink in.

He never treated me like that.

I sat back down beside him and he opened his eyes, looking happy to have me back next to him.

"Can I ask you something?"

I heard it come out of my mouth. I barely realized what I was doing.

"What do you think?" laughed Todd lazily. "Always."

Well, shit. Now I really had to follow that up with a question.

"How are you...so at ease all the time?" I asked haltingly.

"I'm not at ease all the time," scoffed Todd, shaking his head at the absurdity of the idea.

"I've never seen you--"

"That's because we're together for that," interrupted Todd. "I'm at ease with you. Doesn't mean I don't get uncomfortable or have a hard time doing or being what I want."

"Right, ok," I said quietly, not really able to fully wrap my head around what he was saying. He could tell.

"Look, with other people, I don't know what they're going to think or say or how they're going to react to things sometimes, so I hold back some of myself to just get by," said Todd, leaning over toward me. His hand suddenly found my shoulder. "It's different with you because you only ever accept and support me. Like every fucking time. So I don't worry."

His hand was still there. It felt like a long time. I looked at him and smiled and nodded.

"I know that you're the same thing for me," I said. "Like in my head, I know that there's nothing that's going to suddenly derail our friendship. Not at this point. But sometimes...I feel...I don't know, like I need to hide some of myself just in case."

"With me? Still?" he asked, his head tilting to the side as his hand finally left my shoulder. I felt it go and I wished it was back.

"Maybe a little," I said, looking away.

"Like what?" he insisted, leaning over and grabbing my arm playfully. "Let's smash that whole thing right now, man."

"I don't know," I laughed uncomfortably. "I don't even know what I'm talking about."

"Yeah, you do," he said, pressing against me with his shoulder. I'd barely noticed how close to me he'd gotten. "Come on."

I took a deep breath. He watched me do it. I took another and his playfulness softened into something else. Space and patience.

"Sometimes," I started, feeling my throat tightening at the mere thought that I was saying this out loud. "Sometimes I feel kind of...overwhelmed..."

"By me?" asked Todd softly. He seemed worried.

"Not because you're too much," I said quickly. "Because I'm...I've just got a lot of...when we're together and close and connected, sometimes it's like...there's this part of me that wants it to...keep going."

"Keep going," he repeated. "You mean like..."

"I don't know," I interrupted before he could finish. "It's... it's all just kind of a jumble of thoughts and feelings and fan--"

I cut myself off.

"Fantasies?" he finished. "Like about me?"

I couldn't answer. I couldn't say no. That wasn't true. I couldn't say yes. That was too much.

"Hey," he said calmly, his hand on my forearm. "It's ok, man. I'm here. Look at me."

I looked up. My eyes stung. His were full, glistening in the firelight.

"This...this friendship is different," he said finally. "It's not like...it's not like anything else I've ever had."

"Yeah, same," I said weakly.

"And the idea that there's not going to be space for this," he continued, shaking his head. "No way. There's space for all of it. Every bit of us. That's the deal."

I nodded. I didn't know what else to do.

"I'm ok," he said. "Tell me. Come on."

I breathed slowly.

"Ok well," I started, "first...I guess...I mean, it goes without saying that...like...you're a really...just...objectively attractive person, right?"

"Yeah?" he laughed a little with a wide smile. But he wasn't mocking me.

"Um," I said nervously, smiling back a little. "Yeah, definitely. So, like, that's a thing."

"Thanks," he said, still smiling.

"Y-yeah," I answered back, not able to hold his intense gaze. "So there's that. So that's...that's part of it. It's just right there all the time. Seeing someone attractive all the time is gonna eventually have an effect."

"You're saying that as if you're the only one having that experience," said Todd.

"I know other people probably have that with you too," I said with a shrug.

"No," he said, leaning into me more. "You don't think it's possible that people are having that experience with you."

I didn't know what to say. I just sat for a second, kind of stunned.

"You don't think you're attractive?" he asked.

"I mean I guess there are people--"

"To me, I mean," interrupted Todd, looking me full in the face.

Well. Shit. That short circuited my brain for a moment.

"I--I mean I guess once in a while I've wondered if..." I started.

He just shook his head.

"You're living in a completely different world sometimes, man," he laughed.

"Yeah, I guess so," I laughed back, but I felt like I could barely move.

"Ok keep going, though," he insisted. "This isn't even the main point. Tell me about these other things...the feelings and ideas."

"Being together. S--seeing each other," I said hesitantly. "Like really...fully...seeing. And...enjoying...and...kind of..."

"Touching?" he asked. "Like intimately?"

I just nodded quickly.

"And so my jerking off joke..." he started thoughtfully.

"It's fine," I said quickly.

"Too close to home," he corrected.

"I guess," I said timidly. "Yeah, I guess maybe a little bit."

"Is that one of the fantasies?" he asked plainly, giving no hint that he was uncomfortable with the idea.

"I don't know," I lied. Of course it was. He knew it too.

"Like watching me? Or me watching you? Or together? What?"

I felt like I'd had three more glasses of scotch suddenly. My head felt light and like the air was vibrating.

"Uh, yeah, all of that...but mainly...together, I guess," I said hoarsely.

He just nodded and looked off at the fire for a moment. I couldn't say anything. Couldn't think of anything.

"Have you ever?" he finally asked, quietly, gently, like he didn't want to disturb me. "With anyone?"

I shook my head. I couldn't meet his gaze, but I could feel it fixed on me out of the corner of my eye. The fire hissed and crackled.

"Hey."

I finally looked over. He was just watching me. Kindly.

"I'm really glad you told me," he said emphatically. His leg bumped against mine. His shoulder pressed into me. His hand found my wrist and just held it for a moment. I looked down, kind of stunned.

"Yeah, well...yeah," was all I could say.

His hand slid over mine and pushed into my palm. He held my hand tightly and I stared at our suddenly interlocking fingers. The veins in his forearm mapped across his skin and under his soft, dark arm hair. His long, strong fingers wedged between my own and gripped tightly. I let myself just hold for a moment and breathed shakily. I looked up and he was still just watching me.

"Is this ok?" he asked.

"Um...yeah, of course," I mouthed, but the sound barely came out.

"You sure?"

I nodded, maybe too emphatically. He squeezed my hand and smiled. Suddenly his head bent over slowly and rested on my shoulder. I sighed heavily. He chuckled.

"You're so funny," he said softly, still holding my hand tightly.

"Am I?" I asked. "Why?"

"I can literally feel how terrified you are right now and like, it's me," he said warmly. Then he lifted our hands up together in front of our faces. "And...look at this. Feel this. You don't have anything to be scared of right now."

"Does...do you mean...like you...sometimes...you too?" I struggled to find what my question should even be.

"Of course, man," he said.

Suddenly my entire body just went nearly limp with relief. My head rushed. I started laughing. But for real. Like my body didn't know how else to let all the tension go. Todd laughed too, rocking into me a bit more.

"Fuck," I said, barely catching my breath. "Seriously?"

"Why the hell do you think I'm here right now?" he said through shaking laughter.

"I don't know, I thought we were just really good friends and...and you liked getting out of the city?"

"All true. But also, like, come on, I can rent a cabin," said Todd, still gripping my hand tight but then grabbing my arm with his other hand. "I'm here to be with you because it's you."

"I wouldn't have asked anyone else," I admitted. "Not here. It's too...special. But with you..."

"I know," he said. "And I'm fucking honored. I mean that. That you let me be here with you. It makes me feel like I really matter to you."

"So much," I said. "And that's also why it's always been hard to know what to do with...with this."

"We don't have to do anything with it," he said. "Or we can."

We can? Did he just say that?

"Like..." I started, trying to think of the perfect sentence to not completely fuck this up.

"How would it go?" he asked before I could say it wrong. "In your head, how would this go?"

I felt myself tense up again.

"Oh, shit, I don't know if I can do that," I said, wincing at the thought. "It's one thing to think it...but to say it? To you?"

"That's ok," he said, resting more fully against me and pulling me closer.

His free hand rested loosely on my leg and I nearly passed out. Thankfully, instead I just shifted a little to let him find a comfortable leaning position. We were quiet again for a bit.

"Would it be here?" he finally asked. "Whenever you thought about it?"