My friends call me "Love" because I am a loving person. I didn't do well in school -- I had trouble keeping things straight in my mind and I experienced extreme panic attacks before each test. I would stare stupidly at the page, unable to even think. It was only the kindness of the schoolmaster that allowed me to pass. I wanted to have a boyfriend, but clothes never seemed to fit me properly and the boys would tease me -- telling me I looked like a fat old Chinese man, not a pretty Japanese girl. Clothing never seemed to fit me properly -- my dresses hung on me like sacks and I was too embarrassed to wear a bathing suit in front of others.
Having graduated secondary school, I had no idea how I would earn my living and there was no question of me going on to university. My prospects were dismal. In telling this story, I want you to know that I do not blame K_____ for any of my problems. While it is true that he led me on this path, it is I who made all of my choices and I accept that the life I created was of my own design.
My father looked kindly on me, but my mother had no use for me as I was clumsy and not adept at household chores. It was time for me to a get a job and I could hear my parents arguing.
"That is no life for her," my father pleaded.
"She is a stupid cow who is fit for no other use in this life. I can't have her be a burden to us. I am not willing to sacrifice my life to keep her fat and stupid."
My mother's words no longer hurt me -- but I was angry with my father. Why did he allow my mother to rule his life? Why did he not protect me? Even as the argument was proceeding, I knew that my fate was sealed. I would enter whatever horrible vocation my mother had planned for me or I would live on the street. And it was in that moment, I realized that I was now on my own -- whatever course I made in this life, I would have to rely upon myself. The thought terrified me and I wanted to cry.
"F_____, come here," my mother commanded. "You are to report for training and work tomorrow. I will take you. All you need to know for now is that you must get a full night's rest and you must shower and prepare yourself thoroughly."
I dreaded what my mother had in store for me but I dare not ask her. As she spoke to me, I concentrated on remaining still and not trembling.
I did not sleep well -- only falling asleep very early in the morning. As a result, it was a shock when my mother shook me awake. "You stupid cow," she chastised me. "Wake up and prepare!" She took me by the arm and let me to the bath, seeming to turn on the water even as she removed my nightshirt. Instinctively, I covered my body. The excess fat on my stomach embarrassed me and I felt ashamed of my large pendulous breasts.
My mother took a brush and began to violently scrub my body clean, all the while talking rapidly. "You are going to have to grow up in a hurry, F," she told me. "You are going to have to become a woman, today!" she exclaimed with urgency. I will be taking you to Miss Akemi's and you must do whatever she tells you without fail." My mother then began to tell me, in explicit detail, the things that men want women to do for them. I had heard some of these things at school, but I had never even kissed a boy, even though I was now 18 years of age. "This will be your only purpose in life, F," she told me -- and for a moment I almost detected a bit of sympathy, "to please men. If you do this well, Miss Akemi will care well for you and you will have a pleasant enough life." She dropped the brush in the tub and let the water out. "But if you fail, your life will descend into the most abject humiliations you can imagine. A woman who cannot even please a man in the normal ways is fit only for abuse." I stared at my mother, trying not to cry, and wondering how I, a virgin, could possibly succeed at pleasing men.
"I've never," I stammered, finding it difficult to get the words past my tears, "I've never even kissed a man. How am I going to please them?"
My mother handled me a towel to dry off and turned her back to me. "Miss Akemi will teach you. She will give you the training. If you pay attention and strive, you will succeed."
I didn't share my mother's confidence. I had failed so stupidly at all of my schooling -- it was unimaginable to me that I could succeed at anything.
