As I pushed the old Toro, my head pointed straight down, watching drops of sweat bomb the sidewalk. I was pooped from mowing old lady Maloney's lawn on the hottest day this August (duh). I contemplated whether a beer stolen from my dad's stash or a Coke would do best to save my life.
"Hey, Fart Face!"
"Hey, Plank," I answered almost automatically.
My real name is "Mitch" but "Fart Face" was what Marcie fondly called me. Shortly after Marcie had moved in down the street, at about age seven, I had let out a baked bean nurtured whopper which had provoked Marcie to label me with the name. Not wanting her to be left out, I came up with "Plank;" one, because she was skinny as a rail and, two, because I had just learned what a plank was. They had become kind of secret passwords to us. From the start we had been fast friends. Who could resist a girl who could out cuss, out spit, and out run any boy her age? Until my testosterone kicked in at about 13, she could probably have beat the crap out of me too. Marcie could be a pain, she always had to have her way and she was competitive as hell, but she would do anything for you, as long as you didn't cross her. Besides, she was a lot of fun.
"Whuzup?" I asked as I parked the Toro on her front lawn and headed to the porch.
"Not much," and after a pause, "you're looking grosser than usual."
I looked down at my drenched T and the blades of grass sewed into my leg hairs, making my legs look like worn out Astroturf.
"This is the way us real men are supposed to look."
"Yah right, if I get you a lemonade to you promise not to get close to me? Some nasty cooties there."
"A deal," I gratefully responded.
As she disappeared beyond the screen door, I snuck a look at her perfect apple-shaped ass; she sure wasn't the plank I used to know. As I idly picked bits of turf from my leg hairs, I thought about our evolving friendship. As we had grown to our late teens, Marci and I had seen less and less of each other. She went to a private school, me to old Stuart High. I worked some evenings at the video store and she played soccer and more soccer. During that time her breasts had grown some but remained fairly small. However, they had a pronounced perk and, I'm sure, didn't sag a bit. Plus, with all that soccer, she had legs and an ass to kill for. Combine that with strawberry blond hair and sparkling blue eyes and it was hard to remember that she was my good buddy and buddies don't fuck buddies. Living just three doors apart we still saw each other some, but generally the greetings were quick and we were now too old to "go out and play."
"Here ya go," as she handed me a tall glass and we both settled into porch chairs. I took a long slug as I waited for her to open the conversation. Usually Marcie chattered nonstop but as I looked over at her she just stared at the drink in her hand.
"You ready for college?" I tried as an icebreaker.
"Yah, I guess so," she said without any note of conviction.
"What's the matter, I thought you'd be psyched."
Marcie was an All-State high school soccer player and was going to Georgia Tech on a free ride to play. On top of that, she had nonstop gray cells, finishing second in her class at a braining private school. Even her pre-med major should come easy.
"I guess I just don't feel ready to go. To be honest, I'm a little scared.'
'Of what?" I responded, "You should have it shade-made."
"You won't laugh?"
I gave her my most sincere "No, I promise," knowing "don't laugh" was one of the hardest promises to keep.
"When I go to school I don't want to just study and play soccer, I want to go out with boys and, well, do all the things college girls do, dating and all that."
"Sounds like great game plan to me," I responded.
"The problem is I don't know a thing about men, I haven't dated in high school. I didn't have the time and, besides high school boys are such dorks."
"I'll assume you don't include me in the Dork Kingdom. You could always teach the guys to spit watermelon seeds and instruct them on the latest cuss words like you did with me."
"I'm serious, I'm afraid I'll make an ass of myself. You know I hate it when I'm clueless."
"Maybe for once you'll just have to do a trail-and-error sort of thing.' I remembered once how Marcie had thrown her bat down and broke into tears when, after the first few swings of her life she hadn't hit a softball. Marcie didn't take frustration lightly. Her solution was that we met while no one else was around and I threw her pitches until my arm was drop- off-and-die tired. In a couple of days everyone in the outfield dropped back when Marcie was up.
Marcie looked at me as if the answer to her problem was written on my sweaty chest.
"I know, maybe you can help me. Like, pretend to be a date so I could practice being with a guy."
"Huh?" was the most brilliant response I could come up with.
After a bit I continued, "Shit Marcie, I haven't dated that much, I'm a lousy dancer and still feel a bit lost around chicks myself. I'd feel goofy pretending to be your date."