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OK this is the first story I have written. It's not that good.
Would love some gentle constructive criticism. Go easy on me people. Thanks.
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I had to admit that I was infatuated with him. I loved the attention that he gave me and I secretly craved that attention. Dan was almost sixty and was married to Bonnie, one of the female leaders in our high school ministry at church. Dan was one of the male leaders. Bonnie had been in student ministry since before I started high school. She was the leader you went to when you wanted "real" advice, not just a Bible verse. You could tell her anything and she would never rat you out to parents or even other leaders. She was not shy about sharing her own real world experiences. We all loved her because of it.
Bonnie and Dan were older than the other leaders, more mature and I always felt they were more loving or caring. Dan only started in student ministry my junior year, as a fill in, because someone dropped out. I don't think I talked to him that year. Then my senior year, maybe he got more comfortable. Whenever I or other girls would sit alone, he would come alongside and sit down and have a conversation. About me. Who was I? What did I want? How was I doing? What about college? He drew me out of my shell a bit. Then there were the hugs. Dan had a knack for spotting girls with low self esteem or extreme shyness, like me. He gave the best hugs. Not skimpy little side hugs. Extravagant full body hugs. They bordered on being inappropriate. If he hadn't done it right in front of everybody it probably would have been inappropriate, but he was so public about it. It wasn't just a hug to me. He held me.
I was so shy. I played keys during worship and mostly hid behind my long hair. Every week he would talk to me and hug me. It made me feel good. I really didn't question why. It just felt good. I was so ridiculous. I tried to flirt with him, but mostly just laughed at his jokes. Yet I wanted to be near him. I wanted him to like me. I listened to him and he never pushed me away. Someone cared for me. I realized only as I was graduating and getting ready to go to college 500 miles away that I would miss him. I realized that my feelings for him were different. He was a man. I liked him as a man. Was that wrong? I wondered what he thought about me? Why did he give me so much attention?
While I was away at school I sent him a postcard. He thanked me by sending a small gift of some colored pens. It was really sweet. I saw him a couple times when I was home for Christmas and on spring break. The hugs. Goodness I had missed the hugs.
My feelings for him had grown. I would be coming back after my freshman year at school for the summer. I wanted something. But I wasn't sure what. I was nineteen. I had thoughts about Dan. Holding me. Touching me. Caressing me. I got so hot thinking about it I had to touch myself. I laid on my bed in only my panties, one hand on my breast, grabbing and squeezing and pulling my nipple, the other in my panties, rubbing my clit until I exploded. I don't know how many times I came thinking about him touching me this semester. Is there something wrong with me? Getting horny thinking about a man old enough to be my grandpa. What would I do when I got back home? Would I express my feelings? Would I try to act on them? I was so conflicted. The Bible teaches monogamy, one man and one woman, forever. Yet in the old testament, men had more than one wife and that was OK. My parents and our church had taught me that I should be celibate until marriage, but I was horny almost from the moment I hit puberty. I masturbated a lot in high school.
I didn't want to hurt Dan and Bonnie's marriage. I just realized that I wanted Dan to be my first. At everything. My first real kiss. To have him take my virginity. Would I seduce him? That didn't seem likely, I had no experience to call on. I really wasn't sure what would happen when I got home.
I finally did get home. When I went to church, there were Dan and Bonnie. Of course Dan held his arms wide, expecting a hug. I almost ran up to him to hug him. As he held me, I found myself pushing my pussy against him almost involuntarily. Oh my, would he notice? He lowered a hand to the small of my back and pulled me into himself more. As we broke the hug, things seemed normal. Not awkward. So I felt things were ok. And I felt good, better than I had in a long time. I had really missed his hugs. I still had no idea what to do about my feelings, and I thought about that for a few days after church. Then, it happened. The completely unexpected thing. Bonnie texted me.
Bonnie: We need to talk.
Me: OK, get together?
Bonnie: Yes, in person would be best.
We made plans to meet for lunch the next day. I wondered why we needed to talk, but I was too shy to ask. Bonnie was always so straightforward that I assumed she would tell me. Boy was I right. As we sat down and ordered our food, she asked a very direct question:
"So what is up with you and Dan? I noticed you grinding your little pussy against him when you hugged him on Sunday. That's new. So what's up?"
"Uhh, I don't know what to say." I was so busted. I had no idea how to respond. Better try the truth. "I guess, I missed his hugs. Actually I realize that I am infatuated with him. And..." Here goes, "I really want him to be my first. I'm sorry I don't want to hurt you or him, I am just being really selfish and childish."
"Thanks for being honest. That took some courage. Tell me the truth, do you play with yourself thinking of him?"
"Uhh, yes." Wow, I didn't expect that question. "He has been the subject of my fantasies for a while."
She looked away, pausing for at least two awkward minutes. I was terrified of what she would say next.
"Dan and I have been married for more than 30 years. In that time, to my knowledge, neither of us have stepped out on the other. We have been faithful. To be equally honest, we have had our rough patches and our sexual relationship hasn't always been perfect. It surprises me how I feel about this as well. I am actually open to sharing him with you on a very limited basis. If it happens, there will be clear rules. I haven't talked to Dan about this yet, so he also may not be open to it. And because things like this are generally frowned upon in the church community, we will need to be very, very careful and discreet. Do you understand?"
"I may get what I want, but it is subject to Dan's agreement, and there will be rules and limits. And obviously we need to be careful and discreet." I couldn't believe what I had heard. My mind was racing, and my stomach was churning.
"Obviously, I love Dan very much. I am concerned about him developing feelings for you that will diminish my marriage and will ruin our very good partnership. So I will have to really think about the rules and limits and work on those with Dan, if he is interested in this arrangement." Bonnie continued.
"I'm amazed you're not angry with me. I'll admit I had no idea what you wanted to talk about, but when you said you noticed me grinding on Dan, I expected you to come at this from a completely different angle."
"I was a young girl with fantasies once myself. If I had someone to teach me about love, I wouldn't have made some of the awful mistakes I made. Dan is a thoughtful lover, very considerate of me and my needs and feelings. He is better than my first husband, and the other guy I slept with before that. And he has gotten so much better with time. If my first time had been with someone like him, my life might have turned out different. I went through some real pain and drama in my twenties before I met Dan."
"What about the bible? What about monogamy? What about marriage vows?" I asked.
"What Dan and I consent to in our marriage bed is between us and God. Those are our vows and it's our relationship to nurture or destroy. We have weathered our share of storms. I'm confident we can handle this. You on the other hand will need to think about your future husband. Will he be ok with you not being a virgin? Will you be able to be honest with him about our arrangement? Will he be open to learning how to please you as you have learned from Dan? You have some serious thinking to do. This isn't going to be simple for any of us."
"Holy crap!" I said, "I hadn't really thought that far ahead. I was just stuck in fantasy land. I idealized Dan, but wasn't thinking about a husband. I know he can never be that for me. I need some time to process that."
"Good girl. I always knew you were wiser than your years. Dan and I need some time to think through this too. I'll text you once we've come to an agreement. Then we can see if we are all on the same page and you still want to go through with this. It is a big decision for all of us."
As we finished our lunch I was lost in thought. How would I find a husband that was like Dan? And one who was open enough to understand all of this. I still want to be a Christian but maybe not so uptight about things. Bonnie had really opened my eyes to the full implications of what we were planning.
"Bonnie, what kind of awful mistakes were you talking about earlier? Is it something you can talk about?" I asked timidly.
"My first was inexperienced like me. We thought we were in love, but we just used each other for sex. It wasn't that good. I never had an orgasm with him. And the relationship just fell apart. My first husband was older. He was charming at first, but was very selfish. He became abusive emotionally and physically. He even wanted to share me sexually with his friends. Things just got worse and worse. If I had had a lover who cared about me, I don't think I would have ever been with either of them."
"What about Christian men? They have to be better than that, right?"
"There is a lot of that submissive wife stuff in the church. I think it's just an excuse for men to be selfish. I know a lot of women who aren't happy in their marriage. And there is way too much divorce even in the church to think that Christian men are much better. Just saying."
"Wow" I was shocked.
"Don't get me wrong. Even with a great partner, marriage is hard work. Both people have to compromise. To do things they don't really want to. To put up with their partner when they are being a jerk. Everybody can be a jerk from time to time. There's no free lunch. And parents find it really hard to talk to their kids about these things. I suspect kids would find it hard to listen to their parents talk about the real issues in their marriage, especially sex. Trust me, sex always becomes an issue at points in every marriage. One wants more, one wants less. Both are tired. Both are aging. One gets bored, the other is satisfied and doesn't feel the need to change or explore. Is it gross to you to think about your parents and sex?"
"Not gross exactly, but definitely uncomfortable. Hearing them say it would be worse. Ugh. But when you say it it makes sense. What do you mean when you say explore? Is that a fair question?" I was curious about things now and had to ask.
