Sosoni

The state police inquest took more than two weeks, the main reason being Sosoni's less than basic vocabulary. Experts and professors from Boise State descended on McCall to examine her. Nothing I could do about it.

I did not, in fact, have cameras all over my house as I suggested to Headley, but every bit of evidence pointed to our innocence. My three homicides were declared justifiable. Sosoni's murder of Headley was likewise cleared.

Two of the three men I had killed had bitter-looking relatives, and I grew concerned. The investigation, however, revealed a meth ring involving Headley, the three others, and several of those relatives. The press rolled with it, and the heat was off me.

Through it all, I never got to see Sosoni, except at the hearing. Even when it ended, and I was able to return home, Sosoni wasn't there; the lab coat posse took her to Boise.

Charles called.

He explained to me that his friend at the Department of Health and Welfare allowed Deborah to accompany Sosoni, and she would be able to remain with her the entire time.

The weeks without Sosoni rolled on and on, but Deborah called from Boise with updates and news.

"She's asking for you..."

"The Shoshone tribe in Fort Caldwell is sending a representative to confirm her identity..."

"She's been identified by the tribe as the likely daughter of Okoweney and Tonjadika..."

"A team was dispatched to the area in and around the cave to look for evidence and possible remains..."

"She keeps asking for you..."

"The only remaining blood relatives are two cousins and a great uncle; two of them are coming to here for DNA testing..."

"They found Sosoni's cave..."

"DNA confirmed Sosoni's lineage..."

"The remains of her older brother were discovered. DNA tests confirmed it. The coroner determined his death by pneumonia..."

"She wants to see you, but they say you may not come..."

"The remains of a man and a woman were discovered, ages estimated to be 27 and 24. DNA tests confirmed them as Sosoni's parents. The coroner confirmed both deaths by blunt force trauma—both likely mauled to death by a bear..."

"Sosoni had been orphaned in the wild sometime between the ages 6 and 7..."

"Now, they're only letting me see her for about ten minutes each day...

"I think Sosoni is confused and angry..."

"They tell me the cousins and great uncle have indicated that she would be welcome to return to the reservation with them..."

"I hear the state has officially named her Sosoni Elo Tonjadika—Sosoni, daughter of Tonjadika. They're creating a birth certificate and putting in paperwork for a social security number..."

"I just don't know what's going on. It's like they're hiding something..."

"Rumor is they're letting her go tomorrow morning. Charles's friend thinks we can get you a visit before that happens..."

I left five minutes later, picking up Charles on the way through McCall.

We checked in at the same downtown hotel where Deborah stayed. She met us in the lobby, and we went up to her room.

"Is she okay?" I asked.

Deborah said, "I just don't know anymore. I know it's a lot for her to take in, and it's difficult to know how much she understands. Some, I'm sure."

"I can't imagine," Charles offered.

I nodded. "So, they're releasing her?"

"Yes," Deborah sighed.

I said, "Good! It's about damn time."

Deborah called my name. She said, "Wait." She took a deep breath, and she went on. "They're releasing her to the Fort Caldwell Shoshone."

"What?"

She nodded, wiping her nose.

"She...she doesn't get to choose?" I asked, stunned.

She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I tried. I really did. All that we could get for you was a brief visit before she goes to Fort Caldwell."

"Fuck!" I hollered. Then, seeing Deborah's sadness, I said, "Thank you, Deborah. I know you did your best." Then, I asked, "Is that what Sosoni wants? To go?"

"She's so confused right now. I don't know that she's in any frame of mind to tell them what she wants."

It was two in the morning. I thanked them both and went to my room.

***

At 7:55 the next morning, the three of us were stopped outside the two-story office building where they had been keeping, interrogating, and examining Sosoni.

Inside, a man in a suit told us that Sosoni did not wish to see me.

I couldn't move.

They had turned her against me, I thought. Or, even worse, she saw me clearly now: I was the lascivious bastard who took advantage of her innocence.

No, I refused to believe it.

Charles said, "That's impossible."

Deborah added, "I don't believe that for a second."

"It's what she and the family want," the suit declared.

"Where is she?" I asked. Before the man could give an answer, I turned to Deborah. "Where do they keep her in there?"

She glanced from the man to me, and said, "Second floor, room 202."

I ran past the man.

Through the doors, another suit stepped toward me. I saw the entrance to the staircase on my right and dashed for it.

Bounding up the stairs, I blasted the door open. Two security guards stopped me.

"Let me through, fellas. Please! Let me see her!"

They began to drag me back toward the stairs.

"Sosoni!" I screamed. "Sosoni, I'm here!"

The guards' grips were like iron vices, and there was no breaking free.

"Sosoni! Sosoni!!"

A door opened. I heard people arguing and running footsteps in the hall.

A woman in a lab coat appeared.

"Where is she?" I demanded.

Another woman in a lab coat came up behind the first.

"They're gone already—left ten minutes ago," one said.

The other said, "Reservation police have orders to turn you away."

***

Something inside me broke—something in my brain. What I write going forward is a collection of memories. Some belong to Charles and Deborah. Most of them are mine, but as I say, something in my brain broke the moment I lost Sosoni to her relatives.

I loved her. I killed—without hesitation—for her. I had set her free.

And she had chosen, well, not me.

Losing her was like losing a wife and a child together. A wife is a partner and companion in life. Sosoni was like that for me in the short time we were together. She always wanted to be by my side.

But, she was like a child, too. I devoted time and energy to her protection, health, and education. I made enormous sacrifices for her well-being, as every parent does for his or her child. So, to lose Sosoni hurt all the more because those sacrifices ultimately added up to nothing. Zero.

My mind concluded in those crazy days that I would die of a heart attack and alone.

I didn't have to be alone, of course. A rich fucker like me? Young as I was? Of course I could spend some time down in Boise and bring back a wife.

But, not one that compared in any way to Sosoni.

I would grow resentful.

It was Sosoni or nothing. So, it was nothing.

Yeah. I broke.

***

I remember drinking and puking. I remember kicking Charles and Deborah out of my home so that I could drink and puke without being judged.

A week after I'd lost her, Deborah and Charles came up to see me at home. I was well on my way to another blotto day. The house was trashed.

Sosoni had gone missing from the reservation, they explained. Apparently, her family had been slow to report it to reservation authorities, searching on their own for a few days.

She had left the very night she arrived—a Tuesday. The State Police had only joined the search the following Monday.

My broken mind saw it clearly. "She's coming for me," I said, and I started packing.

Charles and Deborah tried to stop me. They tried to talk sense to me, but I was single-minded, and that single mind was no longer working properly.

I left for the cave a few minutes later on the ATV—I had repaired the tires during those weeks when Sosoni had been in Boise.

It was insane, and in my heart, I knew it.

Fort Caldwell was on the other side of hundreds of miles of mountains and forests from me. It would take a person weeks to travel the distance. To actually find the pond and the cave—without a map or compass or GPS—would be nothing less than miraculous.

But, I was a believer in miracles at that point. I had found Sosoni once. She would find me this time.

She did not.

August became September. September slipped away into October.

I went home once a week to resupply. Charles left messages and texts. They called off the search. No one said the words, but the signals were obvious: Sosoni was presumed dead.

Nights grew frigid at the cave.

November came and went.

My ex-wife left messages, begging for me to take care of myself. Charles must have gotten desperate and told her.

December elapsed.

I quit listening to the fucking messages. I left my cell phone at home.

The ATV broke down on the way back out in January. I walked the rest of the way, feeling my pistol weigh heavily on my right leg.

I'm not going back, I decided.

I ran out of food and water a week later. The pond froze over. My clothes were rags, my beard a gnarled bird's nest. I fell asleep next to a tiny fire, cradling the pistol.

I felt happy when I awakened.

This was it—the day of days.

I slipped from under the blanket, grabbed the pistol and walked buck naked out of the cave to piss. Walking back, I realized I wanted to see the spot I first saw her, one last time before I climbed into the cave and blew my brains out.

I shivered, but I didn't feel the cold. I stood next to the tree, smiling at the memory of cum-fed fish. I remembered how athletic she had been, leaping into the brush after seeing me masturbate. It was right there. My shaking finger pointed to the spot.

And the bear!

I staggered over to the spot, my entire body trembling.

I'm not cold, I thought.

Snow covered the ground, but I knew it was here. The bones were right here, except the skull. The skull was home—the skull of that fucking thing that nearly killed both of us. Hell, it may have even killed her parents.

I don't think I can make it back to the cave, I thought. This is the spot. It's a good enough one.

I drew the pistol up. I tried to charge it, but my fingers weren't working. I used the pad of my thumb and, after four or five tries, I finally got a round chambered. I used my teeth and tongue to flip the safety.

My hand could barely hold it.

Can I even do this?

I raised the gun to my head and concentrated on squeezing the trigger.

Squeeze it. Just squeeze. Come on.

My finger moved, I thought.

Now.

Pull.

Pull!

I screamed, "Pull!"

Then, I lost everything.

***

I awoke in the cave, warm.

I opened my eyes. Looking to the side, I saw a smart little fire in the place where I had lit the first one, long ago.

Couldn't be.

I had let the fire die out in the night.

The air was still. I felt the blanket tucked underneath my body on both sides. I heard the rubbery crunch of footsteps on snow.

A shadow encompassed the cave.

I looked over.

Some dark figure crawled inside carrying wood.

Fuck, she looked like Sosoni.

But, her hair was way too short. She was decked out in cold weather gear.

She fed the fire with a few small logs, and then she looked at me. She said my name.

She sounded like Sosoni, too.

"Am I alive?" I asked.

"Ah-life," her voice responded.

"Am I dead?"

"Det?" the voice answered. "No det."

Having fed the fire, the woman undressed and slid under the blanket, and I felt her warm body against mine. This is the afterlife, I thought. She whispered my name, and I fell asleep.

***

I awakened.

The woman remained beside me, her arm over my belly.

It was night.

I looked at her face.

Shit, she looks like her, I thought.

The woman stirred.

Her eyes opened and found mine.

Just like Sosoni, I thought. I felt one of her nipples against my shoulder.

My cock grew hard, tenting the blue blanket.

Her hand slid down my belly and grasped it.

I looked at her.

Her eyes grew eager and she disappeared underneath the blanket.

Her lips. Oh, shit.

The wet warmth.

The blanket rose and fell over my groin.

Sosoni's mouth felt like this, I thought.

I closed my eyes and imagined her. Before long, I felt the eruption surge within me. I grunted, and the woman's lips clasped me tightly near the base. The blanket quit moving.

I grunted.

Semen shot and spilled from me, and the strange woman never moved. My erection remained almost completely inside her mouth and throat. Her lips encircled the shaft just inches from my pubic hairs.

She swallowed. She swallowed again.

Oh, fuck.

She swallowed.

I groaned.

She hummed.

It was over, and she didn't move for a time. As my erection flagged, she let it slip from her lips, and I felt her head slide up my belly.

She sighed when her face emerged.

I did, too.

"You look like Sosoni," I said.

"Yuh-oo Sosoni," she responded.

I slept.

***

I woke early in the new morning.

The woman was beside me, her back to me. My arm draped across her tummy.

I drew it away, and she rolled onto her belly.

Glancing down the blanket, I saw the shape of her body—the rise and fall of the blanket over her ass.

Shit.

Under the blanket, I reached down, sliding my hand over her warm, soft flesh.

This, I thought, is some kind of beyond. I had squeezed the trigger. The bullet had gone home into my brain.

My body lay out there in the frigid morning air, blue and lifeless.

Yet, somehow I had been gifted me with a few moments of paradise. The woman's body was warm and soft beside me.

She so looked like my Sosoni, except for the short hair.

An erection grew down below.

I caressed the supple hills of her ass.

I need to take it while I've got it, I decided. I need to grab the now of this afterlife before it's passed on to something worse.

I sat up.

She stirred and adjusted herself, presenting, it seemed, her bottom.

I grabbed it.

She moaned.

I moved down over her body, between her legs, and spread them.

Sosoni was a virgin.

I spread the woman's bottom and licked her vagina. My tongue dipped inside. I probed with it.

The hymen was there, but different—more open. Yes, I thought, after I fingered my Sosoni, it would have changed. This woman's body, I concluded, was crafted to be a perfect match.

But, I mustn't fuck her, I thought. It is too precious a gift.

I spread her apart. Rubbing her clitoris with my middle finger, I began to lick her anus.

She moaned with appreciation. I slid two fingers inside her tight pussy until she cried out her climax.

Her anus softened for me, so I climbed over her, spread gobs of saliva on my penis, and positioned myself against her.

She cooed softly.

I drove the tip inside her.

Oh, fuck, her ass was just like Sosoni's. Perfect.

The woman surrendered herself underneath me without protest, moaning and granting passage. Her legs spread, and her back pushed down, arching her bottom up toward me, offering herself for deeper penetration. I drove my hips into her until I felt the crests of each fleshy mound of her bottom tap against my own skin.

She cried out my name.

I hesitated.

"What's your name?" I asked.

She said, "Sosoni Elo Tonjadika."

Perfect.

I drove myself into her, and she into me. When the peak arrived, I drew back to the tip, and let myself release inside her.

She cried out my name.

I repeatedly grunted, "Thank you"-to her, to the cave and the very air that surrounded me.

When it was all over, I collapsed beside the woman, and she rubbed my chest until I fell asleep again.

***

I woke refreshed. The smell of sex hung in the cave's air. The fire was nearly dead, and I guessed it was early afternoon by the light outside the cave entrance.

I reached up and felt my right temple, lightening the pressure of my middle finger so that it would slip inside the hole the bullet had made there.

It didn't.

It glided over skin and hair.

I sat up, feeling the pang of hunger twist in my belly. I slid from the blanket, feeling the air on my skin. It was a mild day. Not frigid, not cold, but cool. I crawled naked out of the cave and stood in the sunlight.

I went over beside of the pond to urinate.

My penis felt sticky in my hands, and I guessed I had a wet dream. The moment those words crossed my mind, flashes of images swept across my mind. A blowjob under the blanket. Licking a pussy and discovering a ruptured cherry. Cumming inside a woman's perfect ass.

Sosoni, her name had been, and she had been the mirror image of her...except for the hair. My Sosoni had hair that stretched down over her bottom to the back of her thighs.

I drew a breath of air, and it was cool enough to be refreshing.

This was it, I thought, the day of days.

It was made all the better by the dream—the dream of that woman.

Where was my pistol? I wondered.

Then, a new thought slashed across that one: why do I even need it?

Do I really want to kill myself today?

Looking up at the sky, I knew I didn't. In fact, I wanted to go home and eat. Maybe I would stay there this time and not come back to the cave.

I heard footsteps behind me. Turning, I saw the woman squat and urinate.

A part of me wanted to scream; another part knew this must still be part of the dream. I kept quiet.

She rose and stood beside me.

I said, "Thank you for the dream."

She said something, but her English was unclear. It sounded like "Aye-uh luff yuh-oo." She rubbed my shoulder, her face a mask of deep concern.

Whatever she had said, it showed her care for me, and that was enough. I said, "Go home?"

She said, "Ho-um. Yes."

I grabbed my rags from the cave and slipped them on. She wrapped the blanket around me.

She dressed in panties, socks, black yoga pants, a bra, a thin white tank top, and a fuzzy sweater. She pulled on black boots.

I went over and took her snow pants and coat. It was warm enough that she wouldn't need them

Carrying them for her, we walked back to my home. As we passed by the place where I killed myself, I looked away.

I did not want to see my body. It might wake me from the dream or end my time in this paradise.

It was growing dark by the time my house came into view. The lights were on.

The woman cried, "Deh-boruh! Char-ells!"

I glanced at her.

Again she cried the words.

The basement light of my house came on. The sliding glass door opened. Charles and Deborah ran out.

Deborah screamed with joy.

Charles cried, "Oh, thank heavens!"

"Charles?" I asked.

He ran to me and hugged me.

Deborah joined him, and then she hugged the woman.

"We thought you were dead!" Charles exclaimed.

"Me, too," I said, "I mean, aren't I?"

"What?" he asked, glancing from Deborah to the woman.

"Never mind that now, let's get you inside," Deborah suggested.

***

They shoved me into the shower. The water felt like a baptism. When I emerged, the woman helped me dress, and she led me into the kitchen. A plate of Italian pasta-bake awaited me, steaming hot with a cap of molten mozzarella cheese and two slices of seasoned, buttery bread.

I shoveled it down. The woman ate beside me. Charles and Deborah watched.

I asked for another plate.

When I finished, Charles began. He said, "Isn't it a miracle, my friend? Isn't it wonderful?"

I said, "Yeah, this has all been great."

Charles and Deborah exchanged another glance. Deborah asked, "What's been great?"

I looked at her and shrugged. "This," I said, pointing all around and at each of them and the woman. "Just everything."

Charles shook his head and leaned toward me. "Do you know where you are?"

"Home," I said. "Is it heaven?"

Deborah came toward me. She pointed to the woman and asked, "Who is that?"

"Sosoni, she says her name is," I responded, looking at the short black hair. I turned to Deborah. "Doesn't she look almost exactly like her?"