We had talked before, for so long to be honest, he was kind and understanding, he certainly knew how to make a girl feel special......
Okay
Let me explain, I have been in a loveless relationship for years. Living with a narcissist is difficult, after a while you actually believe everything that is told to you, even though you knew you weren't fat or ugly or stupid come to that. The relationship had died a long time ago, after a decade of no physical touch you just become used to the idea that no one wants you.
Step in the dearest friend I have, she knew what I had been going through, and although much younger than me she was my mentor, my voice of reason, the one I went to every time I felt like giving up. She and I laughed a lot, messed around even more and told repeatedly to get back to work, she truly was my bestie.
One morning she came in and said, I've got an idea. You need a man, hell no, I've got one at home I don't need another. No no she said, one to make you feel good. Oh yeah, and where exactly do you find one of those......... She took out her phone and said 'here' as she showed me a site on the internet. No absolutely no, no way. Yes, she persisted. And so my story begins.
I begrudgingly sat down with 'bestie' and together we made a profile of me, we laughed and joked. I truly thought we were wasting our time. We took pictures, which I hated, I looked like well I looked awful, she on the other hand said I looked great.... Yeah right.
Within minutes of uploading said profile, I was having emails, left right and centre. Jeez what the hell, some were pretty disgusting, like 'wanna fuck' oh dear lord, No.
Some however were obviously from men who actually cared. Together we went through the emails, deleting 97% of them, then whittling down to just two. I asked her kindly to stop the emails coming through so she 'paused' the site..... Good.
We took our time, during working hours you understand, to decide who to talk to. We both decided that 'this one' was the nicest.
We struck up a conversation, which was divine, he wanted to know everything about me, which was strange but good. We talked for months. My tummy had somersaults each time I saw that I had a message from him. How can this man actually like me, it was totally alien to me. But I found myself making more of an effort to get dressed in the morning, my makeup looked good, my hair even better, I had tried different colours when I was going through my 'weird stage' but had finally gone back to blonde.
Bestie noticed the change in me. I felt more confident, walked with purpose and smiled a lot. Not that the narcissist noticed, in fact we got to the stage where he didn't even see me let alone speak. Nothing mattered, I had a male friend and he made me feel good.
Messages turned into phone calls, his voice, oh my god his voice, he came from the midlands, my favourite accent, his voice alone turned me on. This is crazy, wait until he meets me, he'll run for the hills.
Then one morning during his call he asked if I was free the following Friday, what, um yes definitely yes, I tried not to sound too desperate, but we made a date, A date, me, what the hell am I thinking of. I went to see my bestie, oh my god, you'll never guess. He wants to meet me. She thought it was amazing, personally I was dying on the inside. I hadn't had physical contact in years, what if I don't work, what if I can't.... what if..........
The fear raged through me, how do I get out of this, I can't, don't be mean. Oh dear lord. I was so nervous, I phoned my GP, made an appointment and went along to see her. Talk about embarrassment, Now she started, what can I help you with........ So I just blurted it out, all the fears, and the what ifs. I pleaded with her to give me an internal to make sure it was sort of okay to use, she laughed and said, what do you think as happened i'ts healed over'. We both laughed but she understood my predicament. She is a great GP. Her advice floored me but it was good honest advice: find yourself a good vibrator and plenty of lube.... Dear god. Really......
As instructed I purchased said items, and tried to use them, embarrassment and pain was too much. But I persisted until said item went in said hole with ease. Embarrassed.
Then the day arrived. I felt sick, perhaps I should call it off, bestie phoned 'are you ready yet' I don't know if I can do it. Get your arse to said destination and enjoy. Phone me when you arrive and when you leave. I will need all the details. Course she does.
I dressed in a pretty dress and flat shoes, my hair and body freshly washed and my favourite perfume. I got in the car and drove.... I had a tummy ache, headache, you name it I had it.
I parked where he told me to park, I texted him to say that I had arrived and was in the car park.
As soon as I saw him, my body relaxed, his smile was beautiful, he held me close, saying it was good to meet me. Then he kissed me, I thought I was going to melt there and then, His kisses were and are divine.
With his hand in the small of my back, we walked to the hotel, oh dear lord
This was all new to me, I felt nervous. I shouldn't have been. The way he held me, so gentle and kind. This is just what I needed to be honest and he knew it.
He undressed me slowly, folding each item of clothing and placing it on the chair. I couldn't speak. What do I say?. Nothing was rushed, just very surreal, I stood there in bra, suspenders and stockings. He just looked at me admiring the view. What view? He came to me, took me in his arms and smothered me in kisses.
My mind was in turmoil, this is the first time in years. Relax you fool I heard in my mind. Yet here I was in the arms of another man and absolutely loving it. Skin to skin, connection had deprived me for so long, I didn't realise this is what I had been longing for.
My lover was everything, he took his time, knowing that I was practically a virgin again. I was nervous, excited, my mind and body racing.
