March 16, 2010 8PM
Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. I can't even begin to believe it. I'm sooooo horny!!!! My first day as his 'personal assistant.' And I thought I had it all figured out, but fuck was I wrong! He's staring at me even now and I'm sooooo fucking wet knowing he's watching me, in my room. That I can't even be dressed when I'm at home!!!! FUCK!!! I feel like I'm slipping into something deeper than I'll ever get out of. Every time I think I've got it covered, he makes it harder. But I'm getting ahead of myself again.
I get over there, right on time. I don't want to be giving him a reason to punish me. He didn't say a word, so I kept my mouth shut and just followed his directions to go upstairs.
He had me strip. I was soooo nervous. I knew he wouldn't let me keep my clothes on. I'd been imagining it for days, but I felt so...I don't know, vulnerable? But I kept CS's voice in my head, helping me stay totally sexy and comfortable. He had me completely exposed again, only it felt even more crazy cuz I was just doing normal stuff, like hanging up my clothes and vacuuming. And I was so happy I'd been chatting with CS, cuz I just kept feeling sooooo fucking sexy. As I was standing there, naked, I just looked at him, and I saw an expression I'd always wondered about in books and stories: a wolfish look. That was the only thing I could think of when I watched him staring at me. Like he was so hungry he would devour me. He stared at my legs for the longest time. I kept looking at his face even though I know I'm not supposed to and I watched his eyes moving from my feet up to my muff, so slowly I was dying to cover myself, but I knew he wouldn't want that. And all I could hear was CS's words to embrace it, to use it, to let him have me. And I watched his bulge just growing the whole time. As scared as I was, I was so turned on!!!
But he had a video camera on me the whole time! So, even though he wasn't there watching me in person, the camera was, and I felt so self-conscious, like I was on stage, or in a porno movie or whatever!!! He kept checking in with me through an intercom on the wall. So, I don't know if he's watching or not, but then he'd suddenly talk to me, so I was totally self-conscious all the time. But I was just cleaning the guest room. The room I used to sleep in when I came over as a kid. And it was really dusty, so by the time I was finished, I was totally smeared in grime and sweat, and then he made me do something I almost can't write down it was soooo demeaning. Yeah. Demeaning. Hah! Ms. O'Brien told us to start writing like we meant it, and stop using all the shortcuts and slang and shit...oh and swearing. So, maybe I'll start getting more serious in here, even though I don't really want to think about Ms. O'Brien or English all that much.
Demeaning. Humiliating.
He had me
He'd already had me stripped completely bare, but then even as I was standing there, he stripped me even more with his look. And then after I'd cleaned that room and gotten completely grimy, he had me do even more cleaning, like I hadn't done it well enough. And all I wanted to do was scream at him and tell him to go fuck off, but CS's voice was in my head, and I knew he'd just punish me somehow and shit, he's not going to beat me at this game. So I said all the shit that CS suggested and he seemed really really happy with me.
But then he punished me anyway.
First he had me tell him whether I'd masturbated. I struggled for a minute wondering how he could know if I said I hadn't, but CS's voice kept whispering in my head, so I told him I had and that it was about him and about sucking his cock. She had told me that might happen, so I was ready for it, even though it wasn't all that easy. And I told him how I hated the spanking but how I had been thinking about it the whole time. And then...then he made me masturbate in front of the camera using the vacuum machine!!!!! The brush-thing. I had to push it against my muff, and I was soooo wet and it was soooo dirty, I just wanted to run home and soak in the bathtub!!! But he told me I couldn't...wait, that came later.
it was such a turn-on! I mean, I couldn't cum, even a little, and that was frustrating cuz I was still turned on and I was so frustrated that I got pissed at him when he came into the room and he called me a whore, and then he insisted I was a whore, so I just shut up and stared at myself in the mirror on the back of the door. All grimy and sweaty and my vagina wide open while he stared at me. So I just remembered what CS had told me and I practically repeated what she had said word for word, and he just smiled so wide, like I was exactly the toy he ordered. 'I'm so sorry I'm a worthless slut for thinking you are forcing me to do this...' blah blah blah. Really? I couldn't believe it when she said it, but then when I tried it, it worked! Are men really that stupid?
So, I thought I was finished, and he had asked me if I wanted to suck his cock, which I begged him to let me do. But then before I could show him how much I'd practiced undoing jeans with just my mouth, he unzipped his pants and took his
penis
dick out.
I was so confused and then he started putting words in my mouth when all I wanted was his cock, and then he did the strangest thing. He jacked off into a shot glass!!! I'd never seen a guy jerk off in real life, and I was super surprised at how little sperm comes out since the movies always look like so much and it always feels like so much in my mouth.
He just laughed and that's when he gave me a challenge that turned into a horrible, gross punishment. He wanted me to suck him off, but he only gave me 10 minutes!!! But because he'd just jacked off, he told me he probably couldn't cum again. Now all I was thinking was about Jeffrey and those guys and how quickly they got hard again and I thought, well, why wouldn't he be any different? The prize, if I got him to cum was to drink the stuff he'd just shot. Two mouthfuls!!! I could already taste him before I started sliding him into my mouth.
But at 10 minutes I could tell he wasn't going to cum again. His penis wasn't nearly as stiff or as hard as it had been the first time in my basement. And that's when he suggested I try to deep throat him!!! OH GOD I HAVE BEEN SO WANTING TO DO THAT!!! And he was really gentle even though I started coughing and gagging and shit. And I had to use my safe word cuz my stomach was so close to hurling.
But that meant I wouldn't get to taste any of his cum. And even though he was so nice and gentle, he had told me that if I couldn't make him cum I would have to wear the stuff he'd shot, and that's what happened. He just rubbed it all over my nipples and into my pubic hair and it was soooooo gross and it smelled so much I'm sure my mom would have known right away. And he told me I couldn't take a shower, but how would he know if I didn't take a shower? And all I could think about was what would I do at track if I couldn't shower????!!
But then it got even worse. It always seems to get worse.
He made me bring him over to my house (at least he let me get dressed while we walked over, but then he made me strip again and it was sooooo weird and scary that my folks might come home and he would be there with me all naked. But it just made me hornier!!!!).
So, he told me he wanted to see how I had practiced undoing jeans with my mouth, and he seemed really proud of me. But he also wanted to see how I masturbated with my vibrator!!!! I was sooooo turned on already, with having not really cum before, and having sucked him and being naked in my room. I really was struggling inside but fuck if I was going to let him see me hesitate. I got it out of my drawer and spread my legs so he could see me slip it against me, and I just started stroking myself, looking at his bulge and just thinking about what it would be like to taste his cum again. I could feel the stuff he'd spread on me all tight around my nipples and my pubic hair was all tangled with it, and it was so dirty and so...demeaning...I just got hornier and hornier at how low I had gone.
But then he told me he was going to install a camera in my room, so that he could watch me any time I was there. That I couldn't be dressed the moment I entered, and that no matter what, he would see me naked, whether I masturbated or simply did my homework. And then he showed me the video of myself as I was stroking myself and I couldn't take it anymore and I had the biggest orgasm I'd ever had!!! I'm pretty sure I had one that time, cuz I just glowed from my muff all the way down to my toes. I think I may have moaned really loud, too. I don't know, it felt soooo good though.
And then, in spite of feeling like such a slut, he told me I had done really well, and wanted me to suck him again after all. He was hard again, like I remembered it, and in no time I had him cumming in my mouth. It tasted different than I remembered it, but it still tasted sooooo good. I kept sucking on it to grab as much as I could until he made me stop.
I've been sitting here all afternoon, naked and watching the camera, wondering if he has been watching me. I'm constantly totally horny, but I don't want to masturbate again. Not that doing it in front of him is the problem. I mean, maybe it is, I'm not sure yet, but every time I think about having him watch me, I actually get a little pulse of excitement. It's not that. It's that it's too soon. I don't want to try and cum and fail and then lose the memory of that orgasm. I HAD A REAL ORGASM TODAY!!!!
If nothing else, Phil has given me that. But I'm a little worried. What if I can only cum because I'm being a slut? What if I need to be humiliated? It's the one time I've really really cum, and he was standing there, watching me, recording me, spread open and fucking myself with my vibrator. Just doing it because he told me to. My stomach tightens when I think about that. I have to talk to CS.
March 17, 2010 9PM
Just because it's Spring Break doesn't mean we don't have track practice. Long distance today and I was not in my best form. Coach really sunk his teeth into us, but he was looking at me the whole time. All I could do was shrink and hope nobody could smell Phil's spunk on me. I looked at myself closely in the mirror when I woke up and most of it was gone, but some was still flaking up, like I had put glue on my skin. I went back and checked my bed and there were flakes all over the sheets and I just grossed out, sweeping them onto the floor and thinking the rest would be all in my bra and underwear. But I couldn't take a shower after practice, so I just put on a bunch of deodorant and got out of the locker room as quick as I could.
CS didn't get back to me until tonight, and we chatted for a long time about my concerns. She's been so fantastic!!! She told me to stop worrying about it. What turns us all on, she kept saying, is specific to each person. If I needed to watch myself being watched, or be 'forced' into having sex, and that turned me on, then I should consider myself lucky for finding that out while I was still young. She said there's people who never get a chance to figure it out and never really enjoy sex. She just kept making sure that I was taking care of myself and that I wasn't letting this guy really force himself on me. I wanted to set her mind at ease, but I really don't know. I mean, he keeps 'letting' me do stuff, or suggesting I do stuff, but it's not like I have a real choice. And then I don't want to look like I don't know what I'm doing, or that I'm not up to the challenge, and he is making me better at sex!!!
Today, after I got home from school, while mom still hadn't come back from work, I stripped (in my bedroom!!!) and got out the 'practice kit' as I call it. I've got the unbuttoning and unzipping thing down. I'm still not sure about pulling pants down without help, and I've got to figure out how to make the kit heavier so I can be more certain. But I've started to go down on my vibrator. I mean, I washed it really really well, cuz even though Phil expects me to be okay eating sucking my own juices, I think it's the grossest thing ever.
But anyway, after it got all washed, I found a clamp in dad's toolkit and figured out how to get it to stand up on its own on my chair seat. It's not the right angle, but at least it's totally stable. For two hours I've been pushing down on it, learning how to breathe while it goes into my throat. It's hard...I mean, it's plastic so it's a lot harder than a real dick, and I'm afraid I might be scratching my throat a little, but I've gotten almost all the way down without throwing up!!!!
