The streetlights whizzed by, intermittently illuminating the nervous expression on Raina's face as she stared out of the car window. She rubbed her hands up and down her thighs in a restless ritual, self-soothing without much thought to her movements.
The GPS voice alerted of an upcoming turn ahead, and the car screen displayed 8 minutes remaining in the route.
"You look nervous," Cliff said.
Raina shrugged her shoulders, knowing Cliff was likely unaware of her nonverbal response in the dark car. She also shook her head quietly, but could not verbalize her dismissal of his accurate observation.
Keeping his eyes on the road, Cliff reached over and laid a hand on her left thigh, then felt around for her left hand and gave it a squeeze upon finding it.
"I'm fine," Raina replied. She was both comforted and annoyed at the gesture.
Cliff knew her well enough to interpret her tone. She was fine though not really, and she wasn't in the mood to talk about it. She was pulling into herself and any move to console her nervous demeanor would only push her further inward - an attempt Cliff wouldn't risk at this point.
They were already on the way to the Reform - nearly there - and Cliff really wanted her to enjoy herself. He released her hand and continued to follow the guided instruction to their destination.
Raina pulled down the front visor and flipped open the vanity mirror. She turned her face over slightly, tilting her chin to view the subtle makeup she had put on. She puckered her lips and reached into her bag to replenish the shimmery gloss. Her lips converged, gliding slowly to evenly spread the application.
The car pulled to a red light and idled in wait. 5 minute ETA.
Raina looked into her own eyes in the mirror. They appeared flat, but from the inside she felt them searching.
"Your lips look sexy," Cliff said. Raina turned and found him staring. The red light cast dark shadows across his relaxed face, he wasn't smiling nor appeared ironic.
Raina pressed her lips together and the corners of her mouth twitched into a brief smile.
Green light. The car moved forward.
The visor was flipped closed and the screen showed 2 minutes remaining.
A flutter quivered in Raina's chest and dropped into her stomach.
Ugh. The nervousness was an upsetting sensation. Raina felt herself withdrawing from reality and a feeling of slight repulsion was trying to attach itself to some random thought. She tried to quiet her mind of its nervous ranting in hopes of bastardizing the feeling.
When she had decided to pursue this experience, she had asked Cliff to join her and now she felt ready to demand that he turn the car around and take her home.
Well, she hadn't entirely asked him as much as he had assumed his presence would be a given. And it had seemed like a given at the time. They had both been on the topic of exploring this lifestyle - even as a singular venture and had planned the when and how without any trepidation.
Now Raina wanted to lash at him for encouraging her to be involved in such a tawdry undertaking.
Her thoughts were reeling over Cliff's responsibility for Raina choosing to do something so out of character.
But the thoughts were wrong. The feeling of disgust was wrong and misplaced and Raina needed to address them before they stepped through the doors of the waiting party.
"Pull over," she said, reaching and gently touching Cliff's arm.
"You okay?" he asked. His concern was genuine.
Raina felt the car slowing as the GPS notified the destination was just ahead on the left.
"I'm just going to go past and park up there, okay?" Cliff passed the large gated suburban home which they would soon enter and pulled the car ahead to a small row of visitors parking spots.
The car pulled into a vacant space and the headlights were cut off though it was still running.
"Let's smoke," Raina said. Her hands were shaking and she wanted to spill the tangled knots in her gut all over Cliff in hopes of receiving reassurance, but she couldn't do it sober.
"Okay. We can walk in there with a nice buzz. It will make us relaxed and enhance our experience," Cliff said lightly.
"You know it won't help me relax," she replied. In truth, the THC would serve as an uninhibitor but would simultaneously send her thoughts into overdrive.
"What will make you relax?" Cliff asked. His volume dropped a decibel and Raina resisted the impulse to turn to look at his face. She just shook her head and quickly rummaged in the clutch resting on her lap to retrieve the discreet cylinder containing the pre-rolled paraphernalia.
She placed the blunt between her lips and flicked her lighter at the tip. Heat scratched the back of her throat and she took a slow and deep pull. She closed her eyes and held the smoke in her lungs as she passed the blunt to Cliff.
Cliff accepted it and mimicked her actions.
They released at the same time and Raina began shivering slightly as the substance entered her bloodstream.
Cliff took another hit. Then another and offered the blunt to Raina who shook her head. Cliff continued for a couple more hits and Raina took the dying roach one more time before extinguishing it in the small ash container held in the glove box.
"So, I feel a little nervous and a lot of other feelings," Raina blurted in a hushed voice.
"Mmm," Cliff was visibly relaxed. His head and back were melded to the driver seat and his head pivoted to Raina as she spoke.
"I feel like I'm disconnecting a little and I don't know if I know how to be....in there."
"You can be anything you want to be in there,"
"Just listen to what I'm saying, please"
"I'm listening."
"I don't want to be on autopilot and I feel like that may happen. I don't just want to go in there and be a Watcher. But I have this feeling like I won't belong there. Like I will just be my same insecure self--"
"You're--I'm sorry to cut you off, but can I say something? You're thinking too much." Cliff didn't change his posture as he continued. "Just try to be in the moment,"
