College Reunion

I turned my head, my lips brushing against Kurt's hand where it covered them, my cheek brushing against his stubbly jaw, and when I saw his kind eyes again, my heart leapt into my throat. It was really him. I nearly burst with everything inside me, the pain of missing him suddenly gone, the sense of relief overwhelming... and yet I couldn't speak. I just stood there and watched his eyes taking in every bit of me, like he couldn't believe I was real. I felt an uncontrollable urge to giggle.

"It's you... you're...you're really here..." Kurt said, stroking my face with a reverence that made me blush and look down at my feet. He snorted and took my chin in his hand, pulling my face back up to his again. "They're shoes, Melanie. Will you look at me before I—"

"Hey, Kurt! Are you coming or what?" a girl's voice yelled from one of the rooms.

Kurt's mouth twisted as he glanced over to a room where I was surprised to see several people sitting on the floor playing cards in varying states of nudity. I quickly averted my eyes until Kurt squeezed my hands and I looked back at him. "Give me a second, okay? Stay here. I'll be right back," he said, releasing me and disappearing into the room, closing the door and muffling the voices inside.

Standing alone in the hall, I began to feel self-conscious again. How would I explain what I was doing there if someone walked by? Then, a swell of laughter escaped the room Kurt had entered. "You know you're supposed to finish with one before you move on to the next, you big slut! At least get my bra down off the light!" a girl's voice yelled from behind the door. As another swell of laughter rose, it felt like a hole had opened in the floor beneath me when I realized what they were talking about. Without thinking, I bolted out of the hallway and ran out of the house before I could hear another thing, before I could see the faces looking out to see who Kurt's next conquest would be that night.

I ran down the street, tears streaking the makeup my roommate had so carefully applied to my face. My feet pounded the sidewalk on the sultry September night, until I could no longer breathe. Furious and humiliated, I kept running, punishing myself for being such a fool. Of course, this summer hadn't meant anything to him! I was just another girl that had been panting after him... a stupid country girl that would be easy to fuck at her first college party. What was I even thinking?

Eventually, I gave in to my burning lungs and stumbled up the steps of a beautiful campus building, sat down next to a pillar, and cried. I had lost everything... for a lie. I'd convinced myself that some boy was in love with me because we just caught our counselors having sex, felt each other up, and shared a few kisses at camp. Now, my whole life was in shambles because I believed a few hormonal spurts meant something when I should have seen it for what it was from a mile away!

Not long after, I saw a figure in the distance loping toward me. I saw it pause and then crane its long neck in recognition, then increased speed and shambled toward me in a loosely joined collection of flailing limbs. "Man, you've got short legs!" Kurt breathlessly yelled, running up the steps to me. "I thought I'd never catch up with you the way you were running, but you must have like a 2-inch stride or someth-" he stopped mid-sentence, seeing the furious, heartbroken look on my face.

As much as I wanted to scream at him, slap his face and run away, I still softened inside just from seeing him. I hated that being near him did that to me, it made me feel so weak. It also made me feel like an idiot because he obviously hadn't had any trouble moving on from camp. I stood and turned my head to wipe my eyes away from his view, turning back to find he had moved closer, only a couple steps down from me. We would have been eye to eye if I could bring myself to look at him. I avoided his eyes and cleared my throat, "Um, well, it was nice to... um..." my face twisted involuntarily and I turned away again to wipe my eyes and nose again before I started actually bawling. "I'm sorry I interrupted your evening... I should... I should... go..."

I started down the steps, but he reached out and held my arm fast against him. I could feel his chest rising and falling against it. "Please, Melanie. Please just talk with me. I had no idea that you'd... that you... that was just—"

"Please don't explain. There's no need. Don't make me listen to... it's not my business. We just met at camp one time and—" I said, squirming away from him.

"Camp was more than that, and you know it!" he shouted, taking me in both arms now and turning me to face him. "It changed everything for me! And it did for you, too! I saw it in your face in the hall - you were dying inside waiting for me just like I was for you! Don't tell me it was nothing! It was everything!" Then he pulled me against him and his lips were on mine, harsh and demanding, desperate to revive the dream of a different boy and girl discovering each other in a more innocent place.

For months, I had dreamed of kissing him again, remembering the feel of his soft lips exploring mine during the hot summer nights at camp. The dream of it had kept me up at night, swirling in my mind, arousing a delicious hunger that demanded satisfaction. Now, his lips were angry and hard, though. His arms were clenched painfully just under my ribs and I was off balance. His hair reeked of a strange smoke and cloves. His teeth bumped mine as he snaked his tongue deep inside my mouth and I tasted beer and something else that made my stomach lurch. I pushed away from him and turned quickly, vomiting on the steps of the stately building.

"Whoa... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just—shit. Are you okay?" he asked, gently holding back my hair as more waves of nausea made me lurch again.

Everything was burning inside me, my gut, my throat, my eyes. He was still beguilingly like the boy I knew at camp, but at the same time he was someone I didn't know at all. He knelt down beside me, expecting an answer that I would have given anything not to have to say. "I'm okay..." I said, wiping my mouth, "it's just that... I don't think I like beer... and your face and your mouth... they smell and taste like... you know... a girl's... p-privates," I said, nearly choking on the last word.

"Oh my God..." he said, releasing my hair and sitting down on the steps, covering his mouth with his hands. "I'm sorry... please, I'm so sorry. It wasn't... that was just... fuck. I'm sorry. Yeah, I was with this other girl, but it wasn't really anything - for either of us. It was just something that—and then when Paul popped his head in the room and said 'Dude - she's here!' I just ran out of there—"

"'Dude, she's here?'" I scoffed, incredulously. "You left someone in the middle of... that... because he just said 'Dude, she's here?' What if he was talking about—"

Kurt moved to kneel between my knees, holding my hands. "You don't get it. You don't. After camp, I tried to find you. I even called the camp and begged them to help me contact you until they started blocking my calls. After that, all I could talk about to Paul was what to try next to find you. You were the only thing I talked about, Melanie. Just you. There was only one person it could be, because Paul knew that for me there was no other 'she.'"

"I... I tried to find you, too," I admitted. "I couldn't find a Kurt Wyman anywhere. I tried everything. I didn't have anyone I could bore about it, though. My girlfriends couldn't talk with me because... well, you know."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean, the camp told my parents what happened and that blew things up... and then when my girlfriends came back, and the story got around... well, I just didn't hear from them anymore."

"Seriously? Just because you—"

"And then when Northeastern took back my scholarship and rescinded my admission, my parents were even more disappointed. I'd never made a mistake like that before. They said it was like they didn't know me anymore."

"Jeez... my parents just gave me the talk about being responsible and using protection. They really kicked you out of school? That's ridiculous! How could they do that?"

"Religious colleges are a small community, and the camp director had some connections there. He filled them in on what happened and they decided I wasn't a good fit for the school. Same thing happened with Bethany College. It was just lucky I had this set up as my third alternate. The problem is now that I'm here, I don't have much of a scholarship. My parents can't afford to pay my way, so I'll need a job and loans, maybe even two jobs. I've got to go check the campus jobs board at the student union tomorrow. I should get back to the apartment - it's an overpriced overflow place near the dorms. I shouldn't have even gone to a party tonight," I said ruefully, getting up and dusting my clothes.

"I'm glad you did. This place is huge. I might never have found you if you didn't," he said, taking hand in his again. "Um... my last name is actually Soenson. That's probably why you couldn't find me. My parents changed it to my stepdad's name for camp because they were worried about getting questions about the divorce. My birth dad had a bit of a reputation up that way."

"Your parents divorced?"

"Yeah, I was pretty little, like four, when it happened. They tell me my dad was a lot like me - talkative, impulsive, passionate, and restless. Mom always said she fell in love with him in spite of herself. My step-dad, the guy she chose to fall in love with after my dad left us, couldn't be more different from him."

"Or more different from you?"

"Yeah. Ralph...he's just a good guy. Steady, you know? Shows up for stuff. Worked at the same place for 25 years and pays the bills. Doesn't say much, and never really understood why I did. He tried hard to be a good dad to me, I guess, but the more he tried to show me what a man was, the more I realized that I could never really be a man like that. I was too different."

"Did your birth father—"

"He tried for a bit... then he didn't. He'd pick me up and bring me up north to my grandfather's farm. They'd work while I hung out with Paul who lived next door at my aunt's place. Mostly I remember the drive back and forth. Dad talked the whole time. Constantly. Just a flow of consciousness, passionate, jumping around, but connected at the same time. Like the whole universe needed to fit into one sentence," he said, looking up at the ominous clouds curling overhead.

I looked up with him, feeling the energy in the air, the potential of the storm making my gut tremble. "Was it stuff he was telling you, or was he just talking to the world?" I asked, when he looked back to me.

Kurt brushed a strand of my hair back and chuckled, "Yeah. You nailed him - he was just spilling things out to the world. I don't know if he connected enough with people to actually have a conversation with them rather than just tell them all the things he was thinking about. It's hard to connect anyone when you've got a motor inside making you buzz around like a hummingbird, you know? Not that he didn't want to connect, I think. Like I said, I think he tried... it's just that it wasn't really in him. That... and well, he kinda had to hide a lot of himself. I think it was probably a hard habit to shake."

I looked over at him, sensing there was more to the statement. "What do you mean?" I asked.

Kurt reached back, rubbing his neck and avoiding my eyes. "Um... well, when I was about 10, he lost a bunch of weight, started getting these patches on his skin. He stopped picking me up for his weekends. When I called him at Christmas, he sounded really weak. He rambled about growing up out there, never getting to see the world, and this friend that he had when he was a boy. He was kind of disoriented. Then he told me to always wear a rubber. Mom and Ralph flipped when I asked them what that meant. Anyway, he died that spring."

"I'm so sorry. How did he... was it cancer?"

Kurt swallowed. "Um... no. It was AIDS. Turned out, dad was gay. Didn't go to the doctor or get treatment or anything.

"Oh... I'm so sorry. I had no idea," I said, shocked beyond words. Silently, I wondered how a man could marry a woman and have a child with her and still be gay. How could a person live life like a completely different person, knowing they were someone else inside?

"Well, we were in bible camp. I didn't want to freak you out, and it's not really the kind of thing you talk about between devotionals and archery, right?"

"I guess not. And that's the thing... camp is simple. We leave behind all our distractions and baggage. It makes us think that someone is perfect there, but when you get back to real life... things are different. What I mean is, I know we were... that it was... um... that we... did stuff together, and it was really nice, but I'm not really... like that," I mumbled, looking at my feet. "I can't just go and do... that... with someone I just met at a party. If you're... like that, I'm probably not the right girl for you," I said, forcing each word out with an effort.

"You are the right girl for me and that is exactly the reason why. I dated a lot girls this summer - so many I can barely remember them. I just was with you for a couple weeks and then it hurt to be away from you. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. It had never hurt like that before. I didn't understand why. I began going out with even more girls, like it could make the pain go away... turn camp into something less than what it was. It didn't work. What happened between us changed something in me. Just walking next to you alone, now... it's erotic. Watching you trying to control your breathing because of how I'm affecting you... I can barely stand it," he breathed, trailing his hands up my arms, making me shiver.

I stepped back from him, trying to clear my head. "But, Kurt... we don't really know each other! I find out you're someone who needs sex like—"

"No... you weren't listening. I don't need sex. I need you. Don't get me wrong - I want you. I want to be your first, your only. But that's not what this is about. I won't push you or anything. You'll see. Just... let me in," he said, stepping closer and cupping my face. "Don't hide from this. Don't make me be anywhere I can't see you... touch you," he said. "Please Melanie... dive into this with me... see what it is... believe in me enough to give me this chance."

His touch began melting me again, but then the smell of the other girl on them reminded me of why I was hesitating. "I... don't know..." I said, taking a step back from him again.

Kurt opened his mouth to argue again, but closed it with an effort. He bit his lips and nodded, instead offering me his arm as he began walking me back toward the dorms. The evening cooled, and we looked up to see the roiling clouds begin to take on a greenish tinge in the dimming light. "Come on, we're running out of time," he said, taking my hand and starting to jog. I had to run to keep up with him on my short legs. When we reached a serene fountain pool with an odd modern design, he pulled me to the side and stopped. As I used a nearby drinking fountain to wash the taste of vomit out of my mouth, he leaned over the pool and scrubbed what was left of the other girl off his face and hands in the water, running his fingers through his hair and shaking it out with a grin. Then, he carefully positioned me in a place where the fountain curved in an arc around us and then stood behind me. "I wanted to show you this place before the rain came. The design... it's like magic," he whispered. "I came here my first night on campus and made a wish. Close your eyes and I'll let it tell you what it was..."

I looked up at his lean earnest face, still dripping with the fountain's water. My heart was hammering in my chest, sensing a knocking at its door. I turned back toward the fountain pool and closed my eyes. Then, Kurt spoke in a quiet voice that bounced off the acoustic perfection of the design and seemed to come back to me from every direction, seeming to go into my very soul: "Please, God. Please bring her back to me..."

Two warm drops splashed onto my cheeks as I turned back to him. He stood there holding me in the darkening night, reading my face, willing me to understand, waiting for an answer to his unasked question. Feeling more than thinking, before my anxieties could pull me out of the moment, my face turned up to his and my eyes closed as our lips met. His mouth was soft, now, but insistent. His arms tightened around me and lifted me closer.

A dizzying sense of untethered freedom filled me when it dawned on me that there was no one to keep me from kissing this boy... this man. No friends or camp counselors to gossip or scold me if I touched his body with mine. There was only Kurt, who pulled back and looked at me like I was the only thing in the universe. I reached out and put my shaking hand on his chest, feeling him breathing heavily. When I raised my eyes to his, he had a bemused look on his face. "It's just that... I can touch you, now. Nobody cares. It's just so strange," I explained, shrugging apologetically.

"Not strange... perfect," he said, putting his hands over mine. "Right now, more than anything, I just want to take you somewhere and just look at you... touch you," he said, cupping my face and leaning down to kiss me again. The kiss deepened, leaving us oblivious to the first few warning taps of warm raindrops falling down. Suddenly, with a low rumble, the sky opened and a warm torrent pounded down on us. I screamed in surprise and Kurt laughed with joy before we blindly sprinted the rest of the way to the dorm overflow apartments, splashing through the streets that had suddenly turned to shallow streams.

We stumbled into the apartment, peeling sodden clothes off each other, fumbling because we couldn't stop kissing long enough to look at what we were doing. The sound of the door slamming shut startled me away from Kurt's hungry lips. "What was that?" I asked.

"I think that was probably your roommate. Either that or a burglar who yelled that they thought they would go for a walk in the rain... all night," Kurt said, laughing. He stopped my crossed arms from lifting my drenched shirt over my head, "No... let me do that. Please. Let me look at you, touch you... take care of you. Let me do everything. Just relax..." he whispered, taking the bottom of my shirt, lifting it over my head and letting it drop to the floor in a wet pile.

I crossed my arms over my chest self-consciously, as he reached around and unhooked my bra, nuzzling my neck with his scratchy face. I closed my eyes tightly when I felt it go loose and fall to the floor. I felt him lift my arms away from the cold damp skin of my breasts, and gently place them on his chest. His skin was warm, almost radiating heat. I wanted to press myself against him and soak it all up. After a moment of nothing happening, I dared to open my eyes. Kurt lifted his eyes from my shivering breasts, swallowed and looked down at them again, "Bed or sofa?" he asked hoarsely.

"I... I don't kn—" I stammered before he pulled me into the bedroom and closed the door with his foot. My temporary bed was just a twin mattress on the floor with sheets, a pillow and a blanket, but Kurt didn't seem to mind as we fell onto it in an ungainly heap. "Oh... heat..." I gasped in bliss, feeling his warm chest pressed against mine. Then, the heat was gone as he rose up off me again and I whimpered until I felt him take my nipple into his warm wet mouth. I jumped and squeaked at the unfamiliar but wonderful electric sensation, making him laugh as he began to suck on it, flicking it rapidly with his tongue, making me moan through my clenched teeth.