Chapter 1
Professor Kwon was the first person I saw when I entered the party room at the Italian restaurant where our class was holding its graduation celebration. We were distance ed students and our professors had come from about three hours away to celebrate with us. As grad students we were a lot more casual with our teachers than we would have been in college, so it didn't surprise me when he greeted me with a hug, though none of the other professors who were there did so. Professor Kwon had been one of my favorite teachers and I had asked him to be my advisor while I was writing my thesis. We communicated frequently so I didn't think a hug was anything unusual.
"Still, he is very handsome... nice muscles..." These thoughts ran through my head before I could stop them, but I quickly pushed them from my mind. "Yes, Tessa, and he is also your married professor," I told myself.
Everyone was standing and mingling around the long table that had been set up for the dinner. I talked to Professor Kwon for most of the time, but chatted with other classmates when they came up to me. We were all excited to be graduating in about a week, and talk turned to who had lined up jobs, who would be attending graduation, and how final papers were going. Conversation flowed easily between Dr. Kwon and me. I'm shy and find talking to people for long lengths of time to be uncomfortable, but with him I found it surprisingly easy. When we finally sat down at our long table I ended up with him on my left side. Dinner was ordered and served and I found myself growing increasingly confident, making jokes and laughing, and playing with my long dark hair, which is a habit of mine.
"Is it me or is there a flirtation going on here? Of course it's just me. Then why is he paying so much attention to me? Stop it, Tessa, you're being ridiculous."
I'm pretty clueless in the ways of love. I've had a few boyfriends, but mostly owing to my religious upbringing, coupled with the fact that I've been so busy the past few years with college and then grad school and work, and the fact that, as I said, I'm very shy, I haven't dated in.... too long to remember. Consequently, I was still a virgin. It didn't really bother me that much. I knew how to take care of things myself, and I guess if you don't know what you're missing it's not that big a deal. What bothered me was the fact that I was 25 and it made me feel abnormal to have never done it.
As the night wore on, I continued to find myself deeper in conversation with Dr. Kwon. He was in his thirties, tall and pretty fit, and Korean. I have always found Asian men attractive, though there was that rumor that they weren't very... well endowed. Not that I really cared, I mean it wasn't like I was going to be sleeping with him, right? So why should that matter?
Then I felt him put his hand on my thigh.
My stomach dropped to my knees. My whole body froze, except my heart, which started pounding so loudly I was sure the person sitting to my right could hear it.
It was suddenly decision time. I could reach under the table and push his hand away, do the right thing. I could walk out of this restaurant and go on with my life and never see or speak to him again. Or I could see where this leads. I could take a chance for once in my life.
I chose door number two. Because I didn't know how else to show my consent, I placed my hand on top of his and laced my fingers with his. He smiled and slowly moved his hand a little further up my leg. I let him. Nobody at the table was the wiser. Thank god for table cloths, right? I was wearing black pants, but even though there was cloth between his palm and my flesh, it felt so erotic. He stopped before he reached truly dangerous territory and removed his hand.
"So is that it? A little groping under the table and that's the extent of it?" I wondered. I didn't know what to think, this was completely new territory to me. I resigned myself to letting the whole thing be just a little excitement and forgetting about it. We finished our dinner and everyone continued to chat for a while, but the party was dying down. People started gathering coats and hugging, saying goodbye and good luck, and see you next week at graduation. I bade goodnight to some classmates and some other professors, but found myself wondering what to say to Dr. Kwon.
"Should I just go on like it didn't happen, say goodnight, or just ignore him altogether?" At this point I was feeling a little embarrassed.
Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned and looked up into his eyes. He pulled me in for a hug and I heard him whisper in my ear, "Meet me by the restrooms in five minutes."
Chapter 2
I walked slowly to the restroom, my thoughts racing. They were conveniently located in a place where nobody from the party would pass by as they left. Because I didn't want to look strange standing by the door, I went in to the ladies room. I splashed water on my face and stared at myself in the mirror. I wasn't bad looking, maybe a little plain, maybe a little plump, but I had lovely long dark hair, and blue eyes, and fair skin that contrasted nicely. And yet, looking at my reflection I wondered who I really was.
"What kind of person does this?," I thought. "He's my teacher, for crying out loud."
And with that, I decided I couldn't go through with any of this, whatever he has in mind, it can't be right. I gave myself a nod in the mirror and headed out the door... and collided with Dr. Kwon. He put his arms around me to keep us both from falling down in the floor and in that instant I didn't care if it was right, I lost all my resolve. I wanted whatever this was, consequences and ethics be damned.
"Whoa, sorry about that. You okay?," he asked.
No, I am not okay. I have no idea what's going on, the world's gone crazy.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied.
"I thought we could go to my car and talk, or maybe get a drink."
A drink sounded good. Whatever was happening, I was sure it would all make a lot more sense with a little liquor in my system.
"A drink sounds great."
As we walked to his car, he placed his hand on my lower back. I was so tense I was sure he could feel it.
We ended up at a martini bar downtown. It had cozy little tables where conversations wouldn't be overheard. I ordered a red wine and he did the same. I decided I couldn't handle not knowing where this was going.
"Dr. Kwon, I'm sorry, but I need to know what's going on here. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm completely confused."
He laughed and took my hand. "Please, call me Daniel. And yes, you have always been one to need to know everything and be in control of situations. I noticed that as soon as you became my student. But don't think that I know what I'm doing either. I haven't ever done anything like this. I don't know what it was, but I just felt myself drawn to you tonight."
"I felt the same, but I figured it was just a student's crush on a teacher."
"No, we have some kind of chemistry, that's for sure. But I don't want anything to happen that you aren't comfortable with. I would hate myself if I made you feel like you had to do something you weren't okay with doing."
"I am uncomfortable. I'll be honest; I haven't dated in a really long time. I mean, not that we're dating or anything, but I mean I haven't been with anybody in a long time... actually, I haven't been with anybody ever."
I could not believe I had just said that.
"You mean you haven't ever..."
"Well, I certainly didn't mean to tell you that, but now that I have... No, I've never."
I explained to him the circumstances, that I was raised to believe that sex before marriage was a sin and so with my first few boyfriends I never got past under-shirt groping. And then I gradually stopped dating and got really busy with school and work, and I live in a small town where guys are scarce, and plus it was just easier not to bother. I didn't have to worry about rejection or fitting someone else into my life, I could just be independent and free.
