The commentary about gay porn is complelety accurate.
***
I'm 55 years old, and all I think about is coming. That's not a metaphor. Not a lingering regret about the past, or some half-profound lesson about life's missed opportunities--no, just the basic, biological imperative for a satisfying, world-rocking orgasm. The kind that leaves you boneless and grateful, the kind I used to have when I was a teenager.
It was about 18 months ago when I ran out of erections. My dick was on vacation, my libido, on the other hand, moved in and was having a house party.
Erectile dysfunction: They say it affects most men at my age. Most days, I think it affects just me, personally, singled out by the limp-dick fates for a special category of torment. Back in the day, one look at Miss November 1987 and I would be at full staff. But Sue--my wife--doesn't subscribe to Youthful Boner theory or any theory.
She doesn't give a shit.
"You know what would help?" I said, "Maybe a little... enthusiasm. You could suck my dick. It wouldn't kill you."
Her eyes would flick up, bored, like she'd rather be cleaning the grout lines with a toothbrush.
"Oh my gosh we're talking about your dick again, what a shock."
I could still masturbate, flaccid, like sneezing with your pants down: it happened, a penny's worth of pleasure for a dollar's worth of labor.
But I wanted fireworks. I want my toes to curl and sate Mr. Libido, who was remodeling my mental room. I was desperate and a man of action. I read online that a prostate orgasm could reset the game--a secret, backdoor Big Bang.
So I start clicking and swiping on websites with a thousand reviews for dildos with the tag, prostate massage. Honestly, they all look the same, like penises. Some had motors and moved or vibrated, some didn't. They weren't expensive. I ordered one, then another, and another. I charged them and learned right away cramming shit up your ass was not something you could rush.
I figured it out: Lube, relax, take a breath, and bloop. My first dildo in my ass! Now what? Some of them weren't meant to move once you got them inside, and then you turned them on. Others, you were supposed to slide in and out. Some moved and vibrated once you turned them on.
I noticed two things right away. When something was in my ass, my dick didn't want to get hard, but it leaked like a motherfucker. The second thing I noticed was that the dildo felt good at points in the journey, but no single position generated anything orgasm worthy.
I went back to the Internet and searched for instructions on how to find the elusive prostate orgasm. It was the G spot for men, and of course, it was just as hard to find on a man as on a woman. When literature failed, I turned to porn with the search phrase "ass sex prostate orgasm".
I found a lot of gay porn. Duh-doy I learned two things watching 20 minutes of gay porn over a month. The first and most important: not once did I see a man being penetrated in the ass ejaculate hands free. Second, I was more confused about gay sex than I was when I started. Maybe I wasn't watching enough, but I felt like I was seeing far fewer ejaculations in gay porn than I did straight or trans porn.
After two months of searching porn sites, I found one video with the title, "wife milks husband's prostate orgasm" presenting a man in a BDSM yoga pose, his balls were in a noose like cock ring, his wrist bound behind his back, his ass was in the air, and the woman portraying his wife had three fingers thrusting in and out of his ass, her thumb on his taint. The man gushed gobs of semen, not ropes, out of his semi erect penis.
I doubted my wife would take the time to bind my wrist, much less anything else in the scene. I resign myself to rolling the dice with the real thing. Maybe she could take out her frustrations on me with a strap-on? Not in this lifetime. She was more likely to appear in bukakke video than play with my ass. That thought did wonders for my erection.
Nothing changed between Sue and me. A month passed, and a friend from high school called with bad news. A friend in their clique died, and she was invited to the funeral. She wanted to go, and I drove her to the airport, trying to comfort her. You think that I should be cautious about shipping her off to hang out with her high school buddies while we were feuding about sex. What if an old boyfriend offers to comfort her in his hotel room?
I would pay money for that show. I'm not a cuck, but there is no universe where I take a bet that Sue would get freaky sexually with anyone, including me. We argued over her sucking my dick so SHE could get laid and I'm supposed to be anxious about her hooking up?
I just wanted to have sex with my wife or jack off if she needed her space, but since I was getting neither, my dissatisfaction was making me act like a jerk. I suggested something like her fucking one of her friends if it helped the grieving process before she got out of the car just to piss her off. Even though it was a joke, a bit of levity, I knew it would piss her off, but I couldn't let her leave without making a point. Good sex was important to me, and it wasn't important to her. She said something to me right before she walked into the terminal, and it triggered me. As soon as I closed the door, I snapped.
"Fuck it I'm done."
I watched her roller bag round disappear into the terminal. I whipped out my phone, thumbed Jim's name. My cousin Jim and I were one month apart in age. We didn't live very far from each other, but we never really hung out except during holidays. I had a feeling he could help me out.
"Hey, Jim," I said before he could even say hello, "Would it be okay if I sucked your dick and you fucked me in the ass today?"
