I own...or should I say owned... my own business. It started small and I worked hard at it, nurturing it, growing it until it far exceeded my original plan. 1 store became 2, 2 became a chain... and all I did was work. I never married, hardly dated, no children, no pets, and few friends. 40 literally snuck up on me. I was shocked to find myself crying alone in my bedroom, mourning the could-have-beens-that-never-were as I chased other dreams. The next morning, I put out feelers, found a buyer and sold the business, netting more money that I could have dreamed. I'd have to work again someday, probably...but not right away.
I spent the 1st month of my newfound freedom in deep contemplation...what did I want? What would fulfill me? I covered the gamut: start a new business, go back to school, take a vacation, get a dog... nothing felt RIGHT. I thought about sex a lot, which surprised me. While I haven't exactly been a nun, sex was never a big motivator for me. It was nice...and that's all. Now that I had time on my hands, I found myself day dreaming about it. I was wet constantly and my trusty vibrator wasn't keeping up with demand. My I-Pad became filled with favorite porn sites... videos, pictures, stories, I was into them all.
My biggest obsessions centered around being in control and more than 1 partner. A month ago I would have scoffed. Today, I couldn't get enough. Let me clarify: when I say control, I don't mean leather and riding crop. I don't want to be used or belittled. If something is to happen, I want it to be my design, no one else's. And the thought of 2 men making me the center of their universe...oh yes.
The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became in making this happen. I needed to purge the demons or embark upon a new lifestyle... one of the two. So I fired up my laptop, opened a spreadsheet program, and began to plot.
Yes. A spreadsheet. It's what I do.
When I had a strawman compiled, I called my best friend. Sue and I have known each other since high school. No matter what is going on in our lives, we've stayed close. I needed her with me on this. I invited her over for dinner and drinks, and, after a couple glasses of a nice white, told her my plan.
"Have you lost your ever loving mind?"
Not the show of support I was looking for.
"Sue, you know me. Have I ever jumped into anything in my entire life?" I didn't lose my cool, just asked it flat.
"No, you haven't! That's why this is so shocking!"
"OK, so bear with me and listen. I am at a crossroads. For the past month I have done nothing but think about where life has taken me and where I want to go. I'M 40. All I've done with my life is work. Other than you and a few other stable relationships, all I have to show for all that work is a nice bank account. I want more. And the more I think about it, I want to that more to be sexual in nature. It may be a 1 time thing, it may not... but I feel like I have to explore this."
Sue looked at me helplessly. She knew me. Knew that when my mind was made up, it was over. With a big sigh she asked, "How can I help?" So I told her.
Flash forward a month. I had spent that month researching and joining various websites with members in my area. I'd gone shopping for various toys and started to use them, ('ol Trusty was delegated to the landfill) as well as some lingerie. I'd always kept myself fit but having extra time meant extra exercise... I was in the best shape of my life.
And now tonight. Sue and I were in a hotel room, sipping a glass of wine. We've lit candles for ambience. All of the boxes were x'd out on my Things-To-Do-Before list... I was ready.
A knock at the door.
"Are you sure you want to do this? she asks? I just nod and give a little smile. Sue took one last sip then went to the door. A quick glance in the peephole, a deep breath, and she opened the door. 2 men stood there. Sue invited them in.
"Gentlemen, welcome. I am Sue. I will be next door tonight in case I am needed. This is my best friend in the entire world. Please take care of her." And she left.
I stood, and surveyed the men in my room. We had met through one of the many sites I explored. They were perhaps the most interesting men I had met. They listed themselves under the names of Fred & Barney, which at first made me roll my eyes. But their pictures and bio drew me back in:
β’Both men were of an age with me.
β’Fred was white, Barney was black.
β’Fred was short and broad shouldered. Barney was tall and thin.
β’They "worked" together were not gay and had no intention to become so.
I sent them an invite to chat, they responded. We exchanged messages and finally worked up to the first of several calls. During that initial call, I had to ask, "Why?"