I occasionally have trouble with graffiti on my side fence. I don't know why people pick that fence in particular, but they seem to like it. The fact that I tend to clean it off on the same day discourages them. So does the fact that I've been known to follow then home and graffiti their place in retaliation. I should say suspected, not known. No-one ever proved it was me, but the message was out there.
Kids that try it are also likely to get a kick up the butt, so they don't come back either.
So you can understand I was irritated when I spotted some kid starting on my fence with his little spray-can. I slipped up behind him and roared, and the little brat nearly jumped the fence. Then he turned around and I realised my mistake. The kid was actually female, the cutest little button I'd seen in a long time. No-one, and I mean no-one, could stay mad at a kid as cute as that.
"Listen, pixie," I said, "that is my fence and graffiti is a no-no, so lay off. I'd hate to have to give you a smacked bottom, so don't come back, OK?"
Now ten times out of ten a kid caught out will take the chance to say sorry and fade from the scene. This kid was number eleven.
"My name's not pixie," she snapped, "and if you dared lay a finger on me I'd have you arrested."
"Might I point out, kid, that you're the one breaking the law here, not me. If you called the cops it's you they'd charge. Me they'd thank, for getting a juvenile delinquent off the streets."
"I'm not a kid," the kid snapped. "I'm an adult."
Said she, standing there at a full height of somewhat under five feet. The only time that kid stood five feet tall was when she was wearing mummy's high heels, and even then, it was doubtful.
"Sure, kid," I soothed, "whatever you say. Now why don't you take a hike and go vandalise your bedroom. Maybe mummy won't notice amongst the rest of your mess."
She was slow getting the message, but this time she turned and walked away, snarling "I'm an adult, you moron."
Actually, the way my eyes were drawn to her cute little tush, I suspected that she was telling the truth. She might be small and pixie-like, but that bottom hinted at a proper maturity.
I watched her go and then cleaned off the tag she'd started. And was extremely irritated to find out she'd come back overnight and reapplied it. I cleaned it off again.
I kept my eye out and spotted her returning the next evening. I pounced so fast she barely had time to whip out her spray-can.
"Listen, kid," I snarled at her. "If you don't knock it off, you and I are not going to be friends."
I figure she must be sensitive about her height. I don't know why. There isn't really enough of it to worry her, I'd have thought. Anyway, at the word kid she turned on me, snarling again.
"I am not a kid and we're not going to be friends," she told me. "Look," she added, and whipped out her driver's licence.
I took note that her name was Alice, her age was eighteen, and I also memorised her address in case of future need. She actually lived quite close, and must be new in the area, because I'd never seen her around before.
"How nice," I said, admiring her license. "Do they give you cushions to sit on so you can reach the steering wheel?"
From the flush on her face as she snatched the license back off me, I suspected that she did need cushions.
"Despite having a license," I said, "as far as I'm concerned you're acting like an unruly kid with your little spray-can, and if you don't knock it off I'll treat you like an unruly kid and spank you. Then you'll really need those cushions when you sit down. Why are you tagging my fence, anyway?"
She didn't bother answering that, just giving me a female's contemptuous glance for a male who couldn't possibly understand. She was certainly old enough to have that look down pat. She then stalked away, pointedly ignoring me.
I called after her. "I was thinking that you're stalking off in high dudgeon, but then I realised you can't."
She gave me the finger. Would you believe it? A sweet little pixie like that.
I was serious about the warning I'd given her though. There was no way I was going to have her keep coming around and tagging the fence. If I let her get away with it all the other artists would feel they had the right.
As much as I regretted it, I was right. She returned that evening, as soon as it was getting dark. Don't people bother to read messages about security cameras? I just moved quietly out the side gate and was standing behind her before she knew it.
The first she knew of my being there was my hand clamping around the nape of her neck and my voice informing that she just didn't seem to learn.
I just frog marched her over to the side gate and through and into my back room. She might have been struggling, but she was so much smaller than me I just didn't seem to notice. Still holding her I just headed straight for a chair that I'd left conspicuously in the middle of the room and sat down.
"OK, Alice," I told her. "I will concede that you're an adult, but I told you that if you acted like an unruly kid I'd treat you like an unruly kid."
With that I just bent her across my knee and have her pretty little tush a half dozen very sound spanks.
"Now I suggest that you leave my fence alone," I told her in a very firm voice. "In case you hadn't noticed, the fence is covered by a camera. If you persist, I'll have you charged."
When I let her up she promptly turned on me.
"How dare you?" she shrieked. "I'm an adult and you will treat me like an adult. I won't have you treat me like a child. I just won't."
"Count your blessings," I told her with a laugh. "I'll concede you're an adult, but you should concede that you're acting like a brat."
"Don't you laugh at me," she snapped.
Would you believe it, she actually took a swing at me? She really tried to slap my face. As far as I was concerned she'd now stepped over the line. She was an adult and wanted to be treated like an adult. That was fair enough, but she should have also remembered that she was a female adult, facing a much larger male adult.
I'd caught her arm when she swung at me, and held her easily.
"OK, woman," I informed her. "You want to be treated like an adult so I will."
The weather was warm, and she was only wearing a sundress over her undies, and the next thing she knew she wasn't wearing a sundress over her undies. I'd lifted it up and over her head with a single motion, leaving her standing there in a matching blue and white bikini set of bra and panties. I flipped her back over my knee, but this time I peeled off her panties and undid her bra, brushing it down her arms and off so she was now lying across my knee starkers.
And she was a most attractive sight. She might have been petite, almost elfin in size, but what she had was all stacked in the right way. She really had a superb figure. Pity I was now going to abuse it somewhat.