She found the backstage entrance, along with a group of ten or so girls crowding outside and the two crew members stopping them from entering. She stopped in her tracks, realizing there had been nothing in her fantasies that helped her actually get to him, they had always started with her already in his arms, kissing him. It hadn't occurred to her she couldn't just waltz into his dressing room, and even less that there would be others also trying to get to him.
One of the bodyguards took out a Polaroid camera and the other girls posed for him one by one, giggling. He photographed all of them and then turned to her.
"You trying to get to Teddy?"
She nodded and allowed her photo to be taken although she was apprehensive. It felt wrong, like she was some sort of merchandise.
She was hanging around, keeping a distance from the group of other girls, many of which were chatting and giggling like they knew each other, like they did this all the time. None of them were from her town, thank God for that, it made her grimace to think someone she knew would see her here. She didn't even want anyone to know she had come to the concert. A few of the other girls viewed her curiously, but she avoided eye contact, thinking of leaving but still harboring a hope of meeting him alone. Balancing between embarrassment and hope.
She was just about to leave, clearly she had been stupid to come here and would have to leave without even getting to meet him, when the bodyguard with the camera came back out and gestured for her to follow him. Everyone seemed surprised, the other girls, bodyguards, herself, but she followed him in. They walked along a corridor to a room with a dressing table, few chairs, a sofa, rack of clothes, him.
Bodyguard closed the door behind her and she looked at him, her heart pounding, trying to come up with something to say. This was also something she hadn't thought of, that she would need to talk with him. She thought of something interesting to say, something to differentiate herself, and couldn't come up with anything. She felt silly.
He looked at her across the room. He had on boots, jeans and a leather vest, his chest bare save for a couple of necklaces, a towel around his neck. He had sweated during the show, she had seen it while she was listening to him, and it made her want to touch his skin, his smooth chest, the moist curls at his neck. His hair was curly and wild, golden brown, and she loved it.
"Hello there," he said, friendly. "What's your name?"
"Annabel," she replied.
"Hi Annabel, I'm Ted," he said and now she smiled, it was so nice and so goofy, like she wouldn't know who he was, she felt more at ease.
"I know," she said.
"You want a drink?" he asked, turning to see what he had to offer. "Or are you too young for that?"
"I'm nineteen," she said.
"Yeah? I'm twenty...twenty six, or what? Something like that, anyway."
She smiled again. Like she wouldn't know every little detail about him she had had a chance to find out, let alone something so trivial. He looked around his dressing table, at the bottles he had at one end of it, and put the towel down on the table. He opened two bottles of beer, sat on the sofa, and gestured to her with a bottle.
She wasn't very used to drinking but thought one beer would probably be fine, and went to sit beside him, taking the bottle and sipping from it. They looked at each other.
"So, what did you want to see me for?" he asked, his eyes twinkling.
"I want to make love with you," she said and blushed furiously, aghast by what she'd said. It was what she had on her mind but it probably wasn't too cool to just blurt it out like that?
He choked on his beer and then laughed.
"Wow, okay," he said. "Yeah, don't bother with autographs and shit, just straight to it, huh?"
And he smiled at her. She was glad he smiled, and not maliciously even after her being so stupid, but she was still less than impressed with herself.
"Too blunt?" she said. "I'm sorry. I just thought that's...that's what you do with...fans. After the show."
"Well, can't say I haven't," he said. "But I'm not gonna just attack you, don't be afraid."
She thought bitterly she couldn't believe she had been so stupid that she hadn't prepared for this, for...seducting him, there was a pause before the word even came to her, she was so unaccustomed to thinking like this. She had never seduced anyone in her life, and had no idea how to make him want her. But now he touched her cheek, leaned closer and kissed her.
It was almost like she had fantasized but better. His lips were warm and gentle and sensuous, he didn't smash them at her but kissed her softly, gently, slowly. She could feel her heart thumping, he hadn't minded she was this awkward, maybe he would make love with her after all. He touched her lips with his tongue, so nicely, she touched it with hers and felt it at her lower abdomen. This was so delicious, this was way better than any kiss she'd ever gotten before.
He stopped kissing her and just stroked her cheek. She wanted him to continue, just like in her fantasies but going further, going where she wanted to go but couldn't even imagine.
"So tell me," he said. "What is it you want with me?"
"I want to make love with you," she replied.
They looked at each other, and he said, "Yeah, you keep saying that, but it's not the vibe I get off you."
"I'm sorry," she said, acutely disappointed at herself. "I guess I don't know how."
He understood in a flash. "You haven't done it before?"
She blushed again and broke eye contact, looking at the necklaces on his chest, his smooth skin under them. What had she thought, that he wouldn't notice? Of course he did, she didn't have a clue what she was doing, how had she thought that he wouldn't notice. Or wouldn't care.
"Oh, girl," he said gently. "You thought I'd just jump you? I need you to want me, I won't just use you."
"Well I want you," she whispered. "But I don't know how to do it."
"Darling," he said and touched her chin, lifted it so that she met his eyes again. "Your first time shouldn't be on some crummy backstage sofa. You deserve better. Don't you know that?"
She felt a sinking feeling of disappointment in her stomach, he wouldn't do it with her, she was too clumsy and awkward. She thought of the girls outside and how good they must be in it, and for the first time it really hit home to her that he probably did this a lot. She'd had a vague idea of his love life but now it somehow crystallized to her, he had this whole process for it after all, polaroids included. And that he would disguise his refusal in this gentlemanly concern over her best annoyed her for some reason.
"Well I do know but what can I do," she said. "You know how shitty it is to live in a small town like this? I know everyone here! I don't want to do it with any of the guys in school, I don't want to give it to any of them, and it's not like I can do it with anyone else, either. And I really do like you. But I'm sorry I said anything, I shouldn't have come, I'll just have to wait until I can move away from here to go to college or something. Or die an old maid."
Tears rose to her eyes and now she felt stupid and childish, throwing a tantrum for not getting her way. It just made her so frustrated to think this would not happen, that she'd be left with touching herself, trying to imagine the unimaginable, for maybe years more.
"Honey," he said and wiped a tear from her cheek. "I do know what it's like to live in a small town. I understand you. Please don't be sad."
His voice was sympathetic and she remembered he was originally from a small town, probably much like this one.
"Can I hug you?" he asked.
She went closer and he wrapped his arms around her, careful not to pull on her long hair. She shivered and wrapped her arms around him, touching his back, he was warm and gentle and so close she could smell him. She loved his warm and musky scent, how it was masculine but not overwhelming. She thought his skin must be salty from the sweat, thought of kissing it, tasting him, and it tinkled in her lower abdomen again, she wanted him so much. She wondered what she could do to make him change his mind, but she had nothing, she couldn't just start groping his penis, could she?
"You know what," he said and detached himself to see her face. "I'll try if you want me to. But not here, not like this. Can you come back to the hotel with me?"
She nodded, seriously, her heart throwing a painful summersault in her chest. She felt wild hope, exhilaration, arousal, fear. He looked her in the eyes and probably saw some of it, because he continued, "And I tell you right now, I won't do it if I can't make it right for you, okay? I don't get any kicks out of just doing it, I need you to want me and I need you to enjoy it. And don't be alarmed, it's my job to make it be like that, okay? You don't have to worry about not doing something right. And I won't do anything you don't want me to, and we don't have to go through with it if you don't want to. Okay?"
She smiled at him, surprised, she couldn't have hoped for better things for him to say. It seemed to cover all her fears, be everything she had hoped for, almost too good to be true. He smiled back at her, he was so good looking when he smiled like that, and then he went to call his staff to get them a ride to his hotel.
