Fanning of the Flames

They say you never forget your first and I'd imagine that's not only true to myself and while time passed and love left, I still remember. And right now, I feel like sharing that memory with you.

We had talked and grown closer through the past year. I found much of her to be so very alluring and enticing. She was much the innocent type and I was nearly her polar opposite. In my cruelty, I drew much pleasure in making her blush. Every time, I would tell her that she looked absolutely beautiful whenever she blushed, of course that only deepened it and I would chuckle in that mischevious manner of mine. Pressing her near in my accepting embrace, I was my usual suave and charming self.

I was not always that way, but it's not something I regretted showing her.

Eventually, we talked about bridging the gap of cyberspace and meeting somewhere IRL. I would have considered my place, but I knew my family would not accept her so I went to hers. We met and I talked, but I never let them in close. I was suspicious, guarded and I always frowned. Such was my way when I was around people I didn't trust and behind the closed door of my lovely, Dominique's room, I was another. I would smile and chuckle, I would open up and on as that first night loomed nearer, I asked her where I was sleeping.

In her own passive way, she told me there was a room made for me in the guest room, but that if I didn't want to, she thought there would be enough room for me in her room. Let me tell you, all reason and wit left me right there and I could not for the life of me think of a single pickup line or double entendre to utter. Instead I looked into her eyes and told her with that nervousness that wasn't normal for me, but seemed to happen all too often while in her company, "I think I'll just sleep in the guest room tonight".

So I nodded to her and she returned the wordless motion of agreement as I leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek. I left that room, silently frowning at my own fear and doubt. They didn't just stay in that room either, but followed me all the way to the guest room where I went to lay down and sleep. I could not sleep however and just kept thinking what a fool I was, here was the same girl for the past year, I would flirt with shamelessly and utter things to with a straight face over the net that would make strippers blush! Yet here I was in the guest bedroom, because I could not master my own fears and just make the first move. I think it was at that moment that I realized she really was the same person and that nothing needed to be different.

I didn't need to be fearful and so I wasn't as much. I got up, made my way back to her room and asked her if there was still room. She said that of course there was and I soon claimed that side of her bed. It was dark and the moon wasn't full, but I had always had a strange knack of seeing more during the night than others so I easily slipped off all of my clothing and met her under the covers wearing little but my trembling anticipations.

She slipped her arms around me and for awhile, we just hugged and snuggled up together until she realized something was poking her in the stomach. Now my eyesight wasn't so good as to see the blush that no doubt covered her cheeks once more, but I could feel the heat off of them when I kissed her there.

"You know, if you want me to take off my clothes, just ask me and I will."

Kudos to her, I hadn't yet the courage to ask that of her so I thankfully nodded and soon, she was as naked as I. In the darkness, my hands where my eyes and they slid down her form. In the days that followed, I would do this often out of pure pleasure, rather than that first time when it was all so new and so momentous. I began to shake as I touched her and when I finally brushed along her soft lips, I was overcome.

Utterly overwhelmed, I shook like a leaf and gritted my teeth, trying to just make it stop. I was trying to be the strong, caring and experienced lover I thought I needed to be. Truth of the matter was that this was my first time IRL and I was so scared of disappointing her. I was so fearful of not pleasing her that I trembled so hard it shook my voice as well.

True to the caring nature about her that I had loved so much, she began to coo and lend me her support. She comforted me by just holding me close and running her hand through the hair she loved so much. I had grown it long just for her in fact, because I knew she was the type of woman who liked their men with long hair.

I apologized profusely at that moment, feeling an intense sensation of failure and despair. There was no doubt in my mind I had ruined this night and probably every night that should follow after because I could not master my fear enough to make this night perfect! Dejected, I soon stilled as shaking of my body left me as gradually as did my hope of being good in her eyes.

Not being able to see her, I stopped trying and just closed my eyes, again telling her of how sorry i was for ruining her night. She smiled and told me I just being silly. This night was our night after all and that it was just so terribly sweet to know that I wasn't as cool and aloof as I tended to be during the day. In her own way, I would guess she had swooned when began to shake and fell in love with me all over again whereas I thought i had been unmanned. Nothing further from the truth in her eyes, I found her forehead with my lips and kissed it softly, gone all misty and supremely thankful.

Acceptance! I was accepted and it was alright, what had happened wasn't bad at all. I was nearly lost in my feelings of relief when I hugged her oh so fiercely that she squeaked and admonished me she wasn't my personal squeak toy. At times, I would forget my strength around her, often hugging her too tightly or lifting her a bit too easily off of her feet.

Tonight though, I was very gentle in my kisses and caresses. I carefully covered her body in the clothes of my love and kisses. In the darkness, I mapped out her body in my mind and soon enough, I would easily move from one spot of her to the other as if i had known her all my life. She purred her pleasure, reaching down to wrap her slender arms around my neck. After being gently pulled close to her, now face to face she whispered softly, speaking to me:

"Yes"

It was her promise, her approval, her desire for more. It was everything. It was my world and I would've cried if i had given myself the moment to really let all that sink in, but as it was, I was lost in her arms. It was time and I felt ready. She spreaded her legs for me, guiding them up and hooking them around my waist as I became drawn into her most intimate of embraces. On top, I took one hand from her and guided myself into her. It was hard going in, perhaps it was her nervousness as well, but I took my time, slowly pushing myself into her and pulling out. Every time, I would push in a little more until it felt like I had sunk past all resistance and was where I belonged. I was fully inside of her now and she took a singularly deep breath, a gasp as she was aware of it too.

It could have been hours, minutes or even seconds, but after that we seemed to have done it for a leisurely span of eternity. There was no I or Her that moment, there was just Us. We moved, we moaned, we heard ourselves, we clutched us tightly and we would pant for more, always more. We lost each other in ourselves and we relished in it. Soon we started to shake, to tremble and finally, the ties that held us together in such heated passion, exploded and threw us into our respective selves.

I was aware of many things at that moment, but all I cared about was what I felt at that moment and that she was... content. Giving her a sweet little kiss on her lips, I recieved nothing in return and it was only when I had taken the time to listen to her breathing had I realized she had just fallen asleep. I chuckled and felt a great sense of pride, I had actually done her in until she fell asleep! Proud now as well as happy, I grinned so widely and withdraw myself from her as I again found my spot on the bed beside her. She groaned when I slipped out of her and woke up again, muttering how she didn't want me to pull out so soon, before slipping off into slumber once more.

So I turned onto my side, facing her and with my gentle strength, I pulled her into my arm, spooning up to her and it was then that I too, slept. I was safe with her in my arms, all was well. All was good and now, my passion was ignited. Forever fanned, the flame of my love grows brightly still, though I've since passed the torch to another.

No matter how often I should die only to be reborn in a blaze of glory during these little deaths, I don't think I will ever forget my first.