Exploring My Bi Side

This is the first in a series of first-person stories of a shy, small town boy discovering his bisexual side later in life. Not all experiences are "sexy" as unexpected emotions and reactions are uncovered during the events that unfold.

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The video store - my first experience

As a child of the 60s I was raised in a rural and relatively conservative environment. Although fairly typical upbringing, my extremely shy personality developed at an early age and persists to this day. Despite this, I managed to have a few girlfriends and married in my 20s.

Like most men, I think about sex constantly. Despite being attracted to women of all shapes and sizes, my shy and reserved nature resulted in me mainly fantasizing about sex versus pursuing multiple partners or casual experiences.

My preoccupation with sexuality and overall fascination with my own penis led to persistent thoughts of what experiencing a penis from a female perspective would be like. Despite never being romantically attracted to men, over time I began paying more attention to them when watching porn. Eventually, instead of imagining what it would be feel like to experience the girl in particular scenario, I started thinking about the girl's experience.

What would it be like to experience a penis not attached to my brain? To touch it, feel its warmth and see it grow. To hear and feel the person attached to that penis respond to your touch. To sense the excitement mount as he becomes more and more aroused. To make him come.

These thoughts continued over the years as I evolved from my conservative thinking, allowing myself to not be ashamed of my curiosity. Eventually I found myself as a middle-aged man with an insatiable urge to experience another man's cock.

Despite my shyness and insecure nature, I decided this could remain a fantasy no longer. I needed to act, but how? Although I had overcome a lot of my conservative thinking I still move in conservative circles and being found out would result in blowing up my life.

In searching out potential options that include anonymity or discretion I found a local adult video store. It rents and sells videos but also has a peep show area. It is also clear that the peep show booths accommodate anonymous hook ups. With that in mind I decided to check it out  - which leads to my first experience.

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Entering the store I am struck by how big it is. In the 80s and 90s I'd been in a few XXX sections of video rental stores but this is different. Rows and rows of DVD titles to rent or buy - categorized into any genre you can think of. It's also old and feels a bit "greasy".

There are maybe four or five customers browsing the collections and a clerk behind the main counter who is giving everyone space to do their own thing. I start looking around and browsing myself. I feel out of place as I look around and begin thinking of the clientele. Is this a normal weekday for them or are they as nervous as I? I can't help but assume that this is old-hat for some of them. I imagine who they are and how they might live outside this store. I smile to myself as I realize they are likely asking themselves the same about me and coming up with their own conclusions.

As I make my way through the store I feel my heart skip a beat when the peep show area I've read about online appears before me. There it is - two darkened entrances about 20 feet apart, each with swinging saloon doors. Behind those doors I hear a number of videos playing at the same time, resulting in a cacophony of overly verbal pornstars in various stages of "excitement".

It's a bit much to take in all at once. I try acting casual and continue browsing titles on the wall. I take another slow lap around the store to consider my next move and work up some courage. I deduce the the peep show area is arranged in a "u" shape with video booths on either side of the hallway. The signage at the counter indicates the booths take everyday coins (no special tokens to buy or cover charge to enter). I linger a few more minutes before taking a slow, deep breath and entering the door on the left.

The first thing that strikes me is the smell. A commercial cleaning agent reminiscent of a portable toilet. As my eyes adjust to the almost complete darkness I see a series of booths on either side of the hallway, as expected. The volume of the various videos playing is louder and I can now pinpoint from which booths they are emanating. The first is on my right and unoccupied. Through the open door I see a hole cut in the wall opposite providing access to the adjoining booth. "Holy shit", I say to myself as I keep walking, "an actual glory hole". Seeing a man at the end of the hallway I continue walking but avoid eye contact.

I round the corner to the right and am surprised to see more men. One is casually leaning on a wall while a couple others seem to be milling about. Again, I avoid eye contact and keep moving. I turn the corner and see the other door, the exit, at the end of the hall. It's getting closer as I walk and I'm starting to run out of hallway. Not wanting to turn around and re-run the gauntlet of loitering men, I decide to enter the last booth before the exit. Just as I close the door I realize there is someone approaching me from behind. In a low voice he asks me if I want company just as the door closes. The latch is a simple mechanism but not well aligned and I struggle getting it in place. I don't respond to the question.

With the door closed I feel relief. It's a lot to take in and I welcome the moment to mentally catch up. The strong smell of disinfectant, the glory hole, the plywood booths painted white with crude latches, and the continual sounds of porn stars performing. I take a look around. In my haste to escape the hallway didn't realize it was a bigger room. I confirm there is no holes in the wall so I'm truly alone. Now what?

There are coins in my pocket and have spent the last 20 minutes perusing porn movie DVD covers out front. I figure I owe it to the establishment to spend some money and use the room for its intended purpose. I size up the video screen and instructions on how to use it. After browsing a few options I settle on something that gets my attention and begin to pleasure myself.

I'm standing in front of the movie screen with my fly open and cock in hand. A couple of minutes in I hear a faint knock on the door. I stop what I'm doing and listen, wondering if it's management and if I've done something wrong. I hear the same voice that tried to follow me in (I think) whispering at the door. He's asking if I want company. I respond with a quick "I'm good" and turn my attention back to the screen. A minute or two later I hear another knock and more whispering. This time I just ignore it and think to myself "piss off".

A couple more minutes and I'm getting into it with my attention on the movie and stroking myself. Out of the blue I realize the door to the booth (to my left) is opening and it's the guy who was knocking. My mind flashes; "Did I not properly secure the latch that was difficult to close or did he force it open?" Regardless of the reason, in that moment I freeze. Cock in hand, staring straight ahead at the movie screen I remain passive. I don't look at him. I don't acknowledge his presence. Out of the corner of my eye I see him slowly approaching. His movement seems intentional, as if he knows I am frozen in fear. As he gets closer my mind is racing. Should I confront him? Should I bolt? I do neither.

I start to slowly stroke my cock. Not to continue masterbating but to acknowledge his presence and indicate I'm not going to be confrontational. I'm confused. I'm no longer thinking with my brain but reacting to what I want. What I've thought about all these years.

As he stands next to me I break my blank stare from the screen and I look at him for the first time. We say nothing as he reaches for my cock. My gaze follows his hand as he touches me and see him pull his sweat pants down to reveal himself to me. He is slim, well groomed and seems "professional". We are around the same height but I have a stocky build. His cock is small. At 5.5" myself I'm not a size queen but I am struck by his size.

I reach for him with my left hand find myself holding another man's cock for the first time. It's about 2.5" long and circumcised. The head is a little wider than the shaft. I squeeze it gently and stroke it at few times in the palm of my hands. Pre-cum begins to oozing from the tip and I take my thumb and smearing it across the head of his cock in a circular motion. He feels semi-erect and I am fascinated with how it feels in my hand.

At this point I adjust myself with my right hand reaching into my jeans to pull out my balls to expose my entire package. He seems to take this as a cue and drops to his knees. I feel his mouth on my cock as he gently licks the head and shaft before moving down to my balls. I feel the wetness of his mouth on me. He moves his tongue back up to my cock and takes me in his mouth. He gently sucks for a few moments then releases my cock and stands up.

He leans in and starts to kiss my neck. I wasn't expecting this. He's chewing gum and I can feel his whiskers against my neck. Between the sound of gum chewing, the strong smell of spearmint, and the kissing of my neck thats inching closer to my mouth - my brain suddenly kicks in. I've only ever fantasized about a man's cock, not about kissing and cuddling. I don't know what to do. As he gets closer to my mouth I start becoming more and more uneasy. Feeling overwhelmed raise my hands in a surrender motion and speak for the first time. "I'm out!", I exclaim to both of our surprise. I adjust myself back into my jeans as he steps back and puts his hands up as well.

I head straight for the door, making a left in the hallway to leave the peep show area. I try to maintain my facade of composure but it's clear I'm no longer casually browsing as I quickly exit the store.

Returning to my vehicle my heart is racing as I manage the rush of adrenaline. My hands are shaking as I try to make sense of what I just happened. I still smell spearmint and my cock and balls are moist in my underwear. With my head swimming, the indelible imprint of how his cock looked and felt in my hand remains.

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To this day I don't know why I froze the way I did and how I could be so passive. I can only surmise that I was giving in to what I wanted to happen.

I was obviously prepared for the things I fantasized about but not for the kissing.