My friends never described me as shy. Instead, I was self-contained and naive. And perhaps that combination of naiveté and fear of being judged drove me to silence. Either way I made it through high school with a few close friends but was never comfortable in a big crowd and certainly never sought to be the center of attention. I think it was prettiness alone that drove my popularity as a petite blonde with long straight hair and sea blue eyes. My high cheek bones, thanks to some distant relative gave me a more exotic look than the wholesome girl next door.
All that being said, I was plenty wholesome when I struck up a friendship with Michelle. She was a petite dark eyed girl with short black hair. Perhaps because we were so different physically, we were attracted to one another. Or perhaps it was Michelle's adorable step-brother that drove our attraction. Certainly, David with his curly blond locks, perpetual tan and candy sweet dimples attracted me as well.
We attended high school in a larger suburb of Phoenix so there was a mix of middle class kids with lots of recent immigrants.. There were few wealthy families but I was vaguely aware that my family was better off than Michelle's. We had math class together and spent our time feigning attention whispering about this and that while Mr. Palmer droned on. I don't recall discussing David or Michelle's boyfriend Jed but certainly I was familiar with them both. I think David must have met us after class enough times that we began what I thought was an innocent flirtation. He would make a joke and gently bump my shoulder with his own, our hands would brush as we were walking and small volts of electricity would shoot up my arm, he would lean over to whisper in my ear and his breath would tickle in such an enticing way.
Michelle's boyfriend Jed had graduated a year or two ahead of us, so I would only see him occasionally as he picked up Michelle from school. He was a tall thin towhead blond with a constellation of light freckles across his cheeks. Pulling up in his beat up pickup truck he looked like trouble. I am sure that is what first appealed to Michelle when she saw him. To my naive eyes he looked too old to want to bother with anyone in high school. Aside from him being my friend's boyfriend, it would have never crossed my mind that someone like Jed would look twice at me. His relationship with Michelle only elevated her standing in my eyes.
As Michelle and I were occasional friends, our respective groups of friends didn't overlap. As such, I was surprised when Michelle invited me to her house for a sleepover. I had not met her parents, in fact had never been to her house. But I was flattered to be asked and always eager for a close friend so I readily agreed. I will say, I also had some trepidation. While I didn't know Michelle's friends I assumed they were a rougher crowd. Maybe I made that assumption from Jed alone.
Regardless, I was surprised when it was Jed who picked us up from school that Friday afternoon. I was a bit embarrassed to climb into his rusty pickup. Moreover, as Michelle and I squeezed in, Jed took a swig of beer from the can resting between his legs. A moment of panic swept over me. Certainly I had been to high school parties with kegs and occasionally pot but I was never interested in participating. And those parties so often seemed like kids playing at being grown up. There was just something so adult about Jed's casualness. His indifferent "Hey" as we climbed in. I had a quick flash of fear. Getting into Jed's car suddenly felt like a quick journey to adulthood that I had been trying to avoid. I briefly considered backing out of the car and coming up with some excuse to bow out. But I quickly realized that not only was I was without a ride home, I was overreacting. And of course, I didn't want to appear silly and immature (though I was!) in the eyes of Michelle and Jed. And in their defense, all of this was my own internal dialogue. They just saw an eighteen year old young woman that they barely knew. As we sped away from school Michelle turned to me.
"I thought we would go to David's house this afternoon," she said.
"Oh, okay." I replied softly.
My insides turned over. I knew instantly it would be the four of us in an unfamiliar house. I thought quickly. I hadn't realized David and Michelle didn't live together but as they were half siblings I could see the possibility. And I knew her choice of David's house destroyed any chance of there being a parent present. Now I was on my way to a strange house with people I scarcely knew. I was nervous about the situation. What would we do together? My mind raced between snacks and television or an afternoon of beer, pot and making out. What if Michelle and Jed left David and me alone? I realized I was old enough to experience these things but I also hadn't had these experiences. I felt as though I was alone on a precipice in danger of falling off. And I was.
Jed pulled in the drive of a small dreary stucco house on the more depressing side of town. The yard was a neglected scrubby lawn with a planter that had long been ignored. As we made our way inside, Jed grabbed the remainder of his six pack from the back of his truck. The front door was covered with a strong metal screen door that announced the tough times of the neighborhood. Jed pulled it open and Michelle and I followed into the small dimly lit living room. As Jed made his way to the kitchen, David walked passed him toward Michelle and me. As always, I grinned at the sight of his sandy blond curls and bright blue eyes that sparkled in the darkened house.
"Hey." he said and kissed me.
I'm sure I turned three shades of red. I blushed from his forwardness, I was angry at his presumption and I was embarrassed to be kissed in front of Michelle. Michelle knew David had never kissed me before. Of course, my mind also swirled with the knowledge that David liked me beyond our mild flirtation. Something I wasn't sure of before that moment and then instantly realized I was still unsure. Was he just assuming since I was standing in his house he had the right to kiss me? How could he be so confident that I wanted him to kiss me? What did he think of me that gave him the confidence to try? Looking back, I realize David was experience enough to know I was a lamb being led to the slaughter.
He calmly took my hand and we followed Michelle and Jed down the hall. We entered a small bedroom that barely fit two shabby but neatly made twin beds. Jed and Michelle sat on the far bed facing the door as David and I sat on the other. I felt terribly awkward as the four of us looked across at one another. Jed and Michelle sat so comfortably next to one another, his arm draped casually around her waist. David had his arm across my shoulders and I'm sure I looked as I felt, ready to jump out of my own skin.
"Why don't you relax?" Jed said to me, smirking. Easier said than done. My butterflies had grown to a small hurricane in my stomach. David turned to me and lifted his finger to my cheek. As I looked his way he tilted his head and kissed me yet again. This time it was soft and I inhaled his own sweet smell mixed with cigarettes. The tempest calmed a bit. His kiss continued and I felt his tongue softly invade my mouth. I quickly withdrew with a nervous laugh and glanced to Jed and Michelle. Their kissing looked much more practiced, more fervent and I watched them shyly as David's hand made small circles on my lower back, gradually stroking the skin between my shirt and the top of my jeans.
I felt David's curls tickle my neck as he brushed my hair away and begin to kiss along my jaw and under my ear. I couldn't find a place to put my hands so I clasped them in my lap. David knew what he wanted though and with one hand still on my back his other slid neatly between my own. When I realized I was staring at Jed and Michelle making out my embarrassment drove me to look away and I saw David's fingers entwined in my own. I took stock of my body. My neck was alive with David's kisses, my hands were damp with David's much stronger fingers grasping mine, my cheeks were flushed and heat was now radiating between my legs. David pulled back a bit and spoke softly: "I want you to give me a blow job."
My mind raced. But I quickly shook my head.
"No," I half whispered. Ironically, it was the first word I had spoken since entering the house. And as much as I was aware of my feelings of deep desire but they could hardly trump the fact that I had never even touched a penis. I was torn between wanting to please David and feeling incapable of doing so. Couple that with an intense yearning to continue feeling all these new sensations. Jed interrupted my thoughts with a small laugh.
