As told by Horace Mandrake
"I took near four months to pluck up the courage to ask Ellie - May out and finally when I asked her she turned me down flat, she was eighteen and sort of beautiful, so it wasn't no big deal, hell near every other half beautiful girl had done the same, I never even asked the real beautiful ones like Emma Hart, Jeana Ransome or even Lisa Winebecker the drugstore owner's daughter who was going to Hollywood Nebraska to be a big star, all gorgeous but way out of my league so it was Ellie - May who turned my life on its head.
See Ellie - May never had no Papa, her momma Christie Falken she done brought Ellie - May up all on her lonesome and that ain't easy in Mornsburg North Minnesota.
All we got here's logging, you works on the logs or the railway or the store or in an office, me, I go college on account of my daddy he owns the biggest saw mill anywhere round and he said I had to go college on account of needing to read and write if I was to take on the company when he went off to Tampa Florida to be with Mitzy his secretary and get away from my Mom.
I never seemed to fit quite in, you know? Most all the other kids like got there cause they was real bright and I seemed to be the only guy doing basic English except a couple of retards who was trucked in from the county jail, fact is they said if my daddy hadn't dug deep and bought a new set of computers for the whole university I never would have been allowed within a country mile of the place.
It never bothered me none, I done college and in the afternoon after I done college I done tree felling and log rolling in the log pond and helped out around the saw mill, hell I never even found time to watch TV let alone get laid which weren't no bind since I couldn't find no girl as would go out with me in any case.
Thing was though when I asked Ellie - May out she never turned me down flat but instead her momma went and sent for me to see her.
She said come Tuesday afternoon, now that was Ellie - May's art lesson day and her momma, Miss Christie Faulken's, half day working in the dispatcher's office at daddy's saw mill.
I went up there that afternoon, I had a clean shirt and pants on and polished my boots and right on two I banged her front door.
"Hey," she shouted, "You'll break my door!"
"Sorry mam," I says, "I just don't know my own strength."
"No, well come in and sit down, carefully," she said, and she showed me to her parlour, the house was old and small and pretty much wore out.
"Helll, you still got an old CRT TV!" I said, "Hell and ain't that windows 98 on your computer!"
"Mr Mandrake!" she said.
"Call me Hoarse," I said.
"Horse?" she said, "Why in the hell should I call you Horse?"
"Its my name, H-O-R-A-C-E, Hoarse," I explained.
"Oh dear god, how can one person be so stupid all on their own?" she asked.
"I guess its easier because they only got one brain?" I suggested.
"Maybe," she said, "Maybe, anyway, Hoarse, you want to court my little girl?" she asked, "Right."
"Well sort of," I said, "Really all I want to do is fuck with her, see I asked just about every other girl and they turned me down."
"Oh lord give me strength," she said.
"I never knew you was religious Miss Faulken," I said.
"How can I explain," she said, "I know, and she went and got her hunting rifle, "See this is a point three oh three rifle, it can blow the balls off a man at near on a mile range, do you understand?" she asked.
"Is it any good for shooting ducks?" I asked.
"For pities sake Hoarse," she said, "I've struggled to bring Ellie-May up the right way, she never had a father,"
"What never?" I asked.
"Never," she said.
"So how you get a kid?" I asked because the only other time that happened was the baby Jesus H Christ who was born in a livery stable in Bethlehem Colorado on Christmas day so my Daddy says though I reckon old Joseph had a bit to do with it.
"Look, I haven't had a man for nineteen years straight," Miss Faulken insisted, "Don't want one don't need one, so you understand?"
"Sure do Miss Faulken," I said, "I'm sorry, I guess it sounds disrespectful to want to fuck Ellie -May when you ain't getting none, but hell, you." I struggled to find the words, "Ain't no spring chicken, the years really ain't been kind to your face."
"I'm warning you!" she snapped and she raised the rifle.
"Hell, I meant, well I never meant," I said, "Ok you look good for fifty!"
"I'm thirty eight years old," she said, "Moron!"
"Well I don't know," I said, "Hell why ain't you had no guy when there's guys ready to shag an knot hole in a barn door they're so horny."
"You're something else Hoarse," she laughed, "Jesus are you ever stupid!"
"So are you Miss Faulken," I said "You got a busted up Chevette outside and a museum piece TV and there's guys what would fuck you for money with money in their pockets."
"Don't be an idiot!" she protested.
"I'd fuck you Miss Faulken," I offered, "And pay you money, fifty dollars maybe."
"You really are stupid," she said sadly, "Gee."
"No, straight up, I'd fuck you any time Miss Faulken," I said, "Hell jut thinking 'bout it's making me horny."
"No, you got it all wrong," she said sadly.
I stood up and dropped my pants, "No, I got the horn all right, you want to fuck?" I said as my shaft sprang up all solid and pink.
"Hoarse!" she protested, "No!"
"See there ain't no problem, you ain't that ugly Miss Faulken," I said and I gently wanked my cock as it sort if stuck up a foot or so all pink and sort of blue where the veins was.
She stared for maybe longer than she should have ,"For pities sake put it away!" she said.
"Hell, I need to spunk off," I said, "I can't get it back in my pants without!"
"Don't you dare!" she snapped.
"Maybe Ellie - May could ride my cock when she gets home," I suggested.
"Or I could blow your balls off with this," she said aiming the gun at me.
"Why would you do that? I asked
"Stop you riding my Ellie!" she explained,
"Moron!"
"Look, I ain't no Moron," I said, "But I said I'd pay to fuck you, hell I'd pay you if you let me fuck with Ellie - May, cause I got to spunk before I can pull my pants up."
"Look, just stuff your tool down your pants leg," she suggested.
"It won't go," I said.
"All right already," Miss Faulken said, "I'll get you a bowl."
"What in the hell do I want that for?" I asked.
"To spunk off in of course," she said in annoyance, "Anything to get rid of you you moron!"
"Maybe you could help me cause I don't spunk too easy?" I said, "Maybe you could show me your tits or some such?" I suggested.
"I'll show you my goddamned gun if you don't get spunked and haul your pants up Hoarse," she said, "And that ain't no threat, that's a promise."
"Gun don't do nothing for me," I said, "Most times I spunk off to the internet, my dad got subscription to Hogtied," I told her, "You ever been hogtied Miss Faulken?"
"No!" she protested.
"I figured maybe you was hogtied when the guy fucked Ellie - May inside you?" I suggested.
"Hoarse, I don't even know what a hogtie is." she said.
"Hell its where the girl gets all tied up like a hogtied hog," I said, "So the guy can fuck righher no problem."
"That's rape Hoarse," Miss Faulken said.
"Hell, it ain't is it?" I asked, "I was fixing on getting Ellie - May hogtied so's I could fuck with her when I wanted, you know, like I could keep her hogtied in the barn."
