When I hit 18, I desperately wanted to shed myself of my virginity. My problem wasn't that I was hideous looking or anything. I was a good looking if skinny Joe Average kid, but I had major confidence issues when it came to girls. The closest I got to any action was at my 18th birthday party - an embarrassing handjob in a closet playing 7 minutes in heaven, and let's just say when you cum too quickly and the girl runs out of the closet waving her hand drenched in cum to a crowd of laughing people, that's a major confidence killer.
I ended up with the nickname, Oily Oliver, because the girl in the closet told everyone that I was already leaking precum when she reached into my pants.
So I stayed away from girls and jacked off in my room like a fiend. My mom overheard me sometimes and would yell, "What are you doing in there, Oliver?" And I'd yell back that I was doing cardio or push-ups and to stay the hell out of my room.
But 18, I mean I couldn't graduate high school as a virgin? I couldn't start college as a virgin? No, I needed to get some experience fast.
My best friend, Coops, was a bit of a player. He came from a rich family, so he always had girls around him. He loved getting head and loved telling me about it. He was a lucky asshole. Money, girls, looks, cars. Life wasn't fair.
I was bitching about my virginity online with a friend when he suggested I get a rich relative. Yeah, right. All of our family was poor. But the it occurred to me that my dad had a very rich and famous friend. My dad used to be a stand-up comic, and he opened for a guy who ended up becoming a rock star. We got Christmas cards from the guy and tickets whenever he was in town. Rumor had it that he was actually my godfather. Time to reach out!
I wrote a letter to Joey Price, the big rock star with a voice like Zeppelin and the swagger of the old school 70s stars. Sex, drugs, rock and roll. I wrote and asked him if he was my godfather. If he was, I would love to hang out with him some day. The tabloids said he was on wife No. 3, and he had mansions in LA, Martha's Vineyard and Arizona.
To my delight, Joey emailed me back within a week. He said he wasn't 100% sure that he was my godfather, but he wouldn't be surprised. He said he'd be thrilled to see me and the fam when he was next on the East Coast. Damn, I couldn't wait that long. I replied that I wanted to talk to him in private. That night, he said we could skype.
"Oliver, dude! it's your uncle Joey! How's your dad? How's your mom?"
"Good, dad's got a job teaching humor writing at a college here. Mom stays at home and looks after us."
I looked at the screen, amazed that Joey Price would be chatting with me. He looked older than his videos, but I guess he'd be in his 50s, my dad's age.
"So let me guess, Oliver. You want to get into the music industry and want my help?"
"No, no sir. I actually plan to get into finance."
"Oh! Smart kid!"
"I wanted your help about something else." My hands were cold and clammy and I looked at my bedroom door to make sure it was closed. "Sir..."
"Uncle Joey, please!"
"Uncle Joey? I'm 18 and, well, I'm not very experienced... you know, with girls."
"OMG, you're a virgin?"
I laughed nervously, nodded. "I thought maybe rock stars, you guys have orgies, parties, something like that? I thought I could get invited? Learn that way?"
Uncle Joey couldn't stop laughing. "Geezus, sorry kid. I lost my virginity when I was 15. But different times. Every girl wants to bang the band." He stopped wheezing. "Listen kid, you're my godson. I'm pretty sure. I haven't been there for you in years, but I will help you out here. You want a party? I will arrange a party for you."
"Wow, that'd be great."
"Now, I want you to think hard about this before I throw you a party. Do you want your first time to be special? Then save it for the girl of your dreams. But I can make sure you party all the way except for actual sex. If you just want to lose it, I can arrange that too. But you're going to have to live with the fact that you lost it to a hooker. A very high priced, elite hooker, but a hooker. What do you think, Oliver?"
I was stumped. I didn't really think about that. "What happens in party #1?"
"You'll get beautiful women doing everything you want except actual pee in vee sex."