At twenty years of age, I was still a virgin. I'd never even kissed a girl. I certainly wanted to, but my lack of confidence prevented me from making any moves.
Depression and mild social anxiety plagued me all my life, and I feared rejection. My horrible self-image sapped any chance in my mind of even a moderately attractive girl falling in love with me.
Truthfully, I wasn't nearly as ugly as I felt. I was average height, I was not overweight, and I had a decent (if somewhat young-looking) face. But I found myself hideously unattractive, so I believed everyone else did too. Girls could be friends with me, but I didn't think I would ever get the chance to kiss or have sex.
Actually, there were a few times I had hope. My brief, painful forays into online dating and flirting with girls at parties had begun with confidence. But I eventually realized that even moderately attractive girls had by far the upper hand when it came to selecting men. I was in a wide world of other ugly boys vying for attention, while the cool and confident guys got chosen.
This predicament didn't fuel some misogynistic mindset within me; rather, it increased my self-hatred. These girls seemed like goddesses, while unworthy-me had no hope.
Often I cried at night, wishing I were dead so I wouldn't have to live this painful, lonely life without anyone to snuggle up to.
Occasionally my unbearable sadness extended into the day, too. It was on one of these days that I met the woman who saved me.
Sitting on a park bench on a windy, overcast day, I swiped right through Tinder, as I had done last night until I hit the swipe limit. For days I had been swiping, with only two matches, both of whom were bots.
Again, I hit the limit. Again, no matches after a hundred swipes to the right. Frustration overcame me. Without shame, I began to cry publicly.
Lying down on the bench and curling up in a ball, I sobbed and sobbed, hiding my face beneath my arms. At that moment, I couldn't bear to keep living like this. I so desperately needed someone to hug me, someone to love me, or life wasn't worth it.
"What's wrong?"
I paused my sobbing. A sweet, feminine voice came from the other end of the bench.
"Why are you crying?"
I peered out. She had a concerned look, and was sitting right beside me. I sat up all the way and tried to wipe my tears.
"It's nothing. Sorry for bothering you."
She smiled in a sympathetic sort of way. "Don't say that. I was just worried about you. I see you at this park all the time, but usually you're not so upset."
I gazed over her. She had long, dark brown hair and a face that simultaneously exuded cuteness and maturity. She seemed about my heightβmaybe ever so slightly tallerβand looked to be around thirty. She wore a brown trench-coat and black boots.
"I know we don't know each other," she spoke softly, "but I would feel awful if I didn't ask if there was anything I could do to help."
Looking at the ground, I sighed. "There's nothing you can do. It's hopeless."
"Do you want to talk about... whatever it is?"
"Trust me, you don't want to know."
"Why would you think that?"
"Please, you should just leave me here. Everything is hopeless for me."
She scooted closer to me. "Well, if that's how you feel, then I don't think I should leave you alone. Please, I want to help you. Do you really want me to go?"
Her genuine interest confused me. "No, I don't want you to go, but I don't know how you could possibly want to sit on this bench with a worthless pile of shit like me."
"Did you do something bad?"
"No, noβI'm just worthless."
I was startled by a sudden feeling of arms wrapping around me. She hugged me tightly, and I felt a calming warmth I'd never felt before. I wanted that moment to never end. But why the hell was I getting her attention?
"You're not worthless. Please don't say that."
I began sobbing again, my tears running down her coat. She continued to embrace me, stroking my back and squeezing me tightly into her soft, fit body.
"If you don't want to, it's okay... but would you like to go get coffee across the street and talk about whatever's troubling you?"
I sniffled. "Okay, sure."
In the coffee shop, we both got lattes. She insisted on paying. We sat on a secluded, corner couch, warm inside the building. She took off her trench-coat, revealing a very attractive figure. I couldn't help but notice her shapely but not unnaturally large bosom, and her perfectly subtle curves that gave her just enough shape to look heavenly and soft. Internally, I scolded myself for thinking with my penis.
She made a cute little smile, sipping her latte. "My name is Alexa. What's yours?"
"Kyle."
"Nice to meet you, Kyle."
"It's nice to meet you, too, Alexa."
"So, do you want to tell me what you're so upset about?"
I shook my head. "I'm sorry. I can't."
She frowned. "I'm sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable?"
"No, no. I just don't think you'd want to hear."
"Why would you say that?"
"You'd judge me, or think I was weird or some kind of loser or creep if I told you."
She reached out and held my hand. "You said you didn't do anything bad, though, right?"
"Right."
She looked straight into my eyes. "Then I promise I won't judge you."
I took a deep breath.
She squeezed my hand. "Tell me, Kyle. It's okay. You can tell me."
"Wait." I looked at the floor.
"What?"
"Why do you care so much about me? Why are you even talking to me?"
"You looked like you needed help. And, well, you're kinda a cute guy, and..." she blushed... "You seem like you might be a nice person to hang out with."
I looked back at her eyes. Alexa's face wore a look of genuine concern and compassion.
I couldn't hold myself together anymore. I collapsed onto her lap and began crying again. She bent forward and hugged me again. "Did someone hurt you?" she asked.
I got up and shook my head.
"Then why are you so upset?"
I took another deep breath. "I'm really upset because... because I'm horribly lonely."
"Lonely?"
I held back another sob. "This is so embarrassing. I don't want you to think that I'm hitting on you or anything, but I've never had a girlfriend. I've never had sex. I've never even kissed a girl. And I just want a girl to love me like I love her."
Alexa put her hand on my shoulder. "Aww, I'm sorry. I didn't have any idea you were so lonely."