She felt the sweat beading up against her breasts, squished against the table top, the air heavy and still. They were predicting another storm tonight, but it couldn't come soon enough. She had closed her eyes, waiting for Cos to come upstairs, her body spread out as he had demanded, her plug in place, her cheeks waiting for his hand. She was calm. Complicit had given her an image of her future and she knew things were going to turn out okay.
She was surprised that her body also felt calm, in spite of what she expected him to put her through today. She clenched her anus, half consciously, half in response to the plug filling her there. She knew he would graduate it up. It had slipped in so easily yesterday, and today, it was hard to imagine that it had caused her so much pain the first time...just two days ago?
The practice this morning had gone so much better than she'd expected. Coach was skeptical, given how she'd skipped the day before, but it was a run day and she had woken up early, stretched and arrived ready to take on her best. Yesterday's gentle jog through the preserve, taking her time, letting the afternoon drag on, her feet landing on the soft floor of the trail. She'd been careful not to push it, not to trip or land poorly, just to let her body flow, to let the insanity of what was happening to her melt as if the air and sweat and slow heat would flush her worries onto the path behind her.
And then this morning, her body ready to go for it, Coach ready to get her to the next level. The air was already heavy when she'd arrived, but at least it was cool. They all commented on how sticky it would be later, but later might as well have meant 'after the run.' She'd come in besting her prior time, something she had known she would do before she'd gone a hundred yards. Everything just felt right.
And after, inhaling huge breaths, her chest heaving, her legs and arms aching, her shirt and waistband sweat-soaked, she could tell Coach was proud, his words barely audible over the blood rushing past her ears.
You can do this thing you can do this thing you can do this thing.
She smiled dreamily at what those words really meant. If he'd only known what she was facing! But driving home, the endorphins flooding her brain, the words became a mantra, not just for the competition, but for all of the challenges: Complicit, Cos, and though she didn't think of Caroline as a
challenge
, Caroline.
Shifting slightly on the table, her thoughts drifted back to the night before, when she'd come back, when Caroline had come over. A moment of awkwardness when Caroline had come in the door, saw Em was naked and hesitated for just the briefest time, before setting down her bag and running to embrace her, wrapping her arms tight around her back, pressing her lips to Em's.
"I can't believe this is happening," Caroline whispered, pulling back, staring into Em's eyes. "I...tell me this is for real. That we're not under some spell from that fragrance, or Abby, or that I'm not dreaming." She didn't let Em answer before pressing into her again.
When they untangled, laughing, Em assured her she felt the same, but couldn't explain why. She needed to understand Caroline's hesitancy when she entered; she wouldn't let anything stay a secret. Caroline stared at her for a heartbeat, trying to remember, then laughed nervously.
"You were naked...I mean you
are
naked...but I hadn't expected it." She laughed again, letting her fingers play on Em's shoulders. "Which is stupid, because why wouldn't you be? But..." she hesitated again, "I wasn't sure if you expected me to get undressed, or if you wanted me to stay clothed, or..." she shook her head, looking away, "I got self-conscious all of a sudden and that felt weird. It's not weird, right?"
"Self-conscious?" It was Em's turn to laugh. "Weird? What
isn't
weird about all of this?" She leaned in and kissed Caroline's forehead, nose and lips. "Do you mean, is it weird that you keep your clothes on while I'm naked?" She waited for Caroline's agreement. "I want you to do be comfortable, C. You'll be naked soon enough, right?"
But Caroline wasn't finished, her features darkening for a moment. She exhaled, staring at Em. "Okay, but I have to understand something, k? It's been bugging me, or...fuck...Em...I don't know." She stopped, trying to figure out how to say it. "I can't do what you're doing with Cos, right?" She pulled her lower lip under her top teeth, worried, her hand waving at Em. "Like, being naked all the time..." she trailed off without finishing the thought.
Em laughed again, sitting down on a chair, her eyes glinting, feeling mischievous. "We covered that yesterday, didn't we? My being naked, whether with you, or Cos, or at the beach, or wherever, that's me being naked, yeah? You want to be naked with me and Cos? Get naked! You feel uncomfortable with my being naked?" She sat back and opened her legs and arms wide, exposing herself, wrapping her limbs around the legs and back.
Caroline laughed, sitting. "Stop it! You're terrible. That's not what I meant and you know it. Seriously, Em," her face sobered, "I don't understand what you two are doing, and I'm scared you'll need me to do it too. And I don't want that!"
Em leaned forward and stroked Caroline's face, shaking her head. "I don't want that with you, C. What I feel with you is calm, joy, love. That's not what I'm doing with Cos. That's competition, that's dominance, that's winning." She kissed her again. "I don't want to win against you. I want to win
with
you. Yeah?"
Caroline's face melted, her eyes softening, filling. "Oh my god, Em. I can't stand it. I've never felt this way. I..." She wrapped her arms around Em's shoulders and pulled her into a tight hug.
After a few moments Em pulled away. "Hey, tell me what you're going to say to Bobby, maybe while we make dinner?" She stopped, thinking about what she had to do, about Cos's punishment. "And then...um...I need you to help me with something?"
As they prepared dinner, Caroline explained her thinking. They'd go out Friday night, just her and Bobby, and she'd tell him, straight up, that she didn't want to lie, and didn't want to hide, but that she and Em had hooked up and it felt right. So right she didn't want to string him along.
"But what if he says he's cool sharing you with me?" Em stirred the pasta, looking over her shoulder to see Caroline's reaction.
She laughed, shaking her head. "I don't feel about him close to the way I'm feeling about you. I want him to understand that."