"What time is your massage today?", asked Leslie over Saturday morning breakfast.
"10:00, but I'm not sure if I'm going to go."
Leslie lifted her cup of coffee to take another sip and, without taking her eyes off of her book, said, "You should go."
I looked out the sunroom window and took another sip of my coffee. "Maybe."
Leslie put down her cup and looked at me to engage more directly. "How does your back feel?"
"A bit stiff."
"And your shoulders?"
"Same."
"So you'd benefit from the massage that you've already arranged?"
"Yeah."
"But you're hesitating because you know what's on offer."
"Yeah."
"You need to go, Chris. While you could reschedule, that's not fair to Scott. He's running a business and gets paid for his time. If you don't go, he doesn't get paid."
"You also need to go and deal with this. You can decide while you're there. I told you it's okay either way."
I nodded.
"Be polite and ask nicely", Leslie chuckled.
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Sandi greeted me at the front desk of the studio. "Hey, Chris! Good to see you again! It's been a long time."
"Hi, Sandi. Yeah, it's been too long. Leslie finally bugged me enough."
"Room three on the right. Let me know if you need anything. Scott should be in in a few minutes."
I went to the room, undressed, and got situated on the table face down. It was a while before Scott came in, adding to my nervousness.
I wondered if Scott was stalling because he didn't want this, or if Leslie was sincere about the offer. My nervousness was reaching a crescendo when Scott walked in.
"Hey, Chris - good to see you. Sorry for making you wait. The last appointment ran a little long because they got here a bit late. But she's a good customer and I wanted to be sure she got her full session. Sorry again."
"That's okay, I was just getting relaxed. All good."
"Great. Anything I'm working on in particular today? Or, should I just go over everything and work on things as I feel it?"
"Well, my back and shoulders are a bit stiff, but nothing too bad, so I guess you should work on things you think need attention."
"Got it."
Scott started on my shoulders, working the deltoids, triceps, and upper back through the shoulder blades.
"I can feel tension pretty much everywhere. Good thing you came in so I can get the knots out."
Scott worked hard kneading the muscles in my back and I eventually started to relax under his skilled ministrations.
After ten minutes or so, Scott moved to my hamstrings, calves, and feet. After working that area for a bit, Scott asked me to turn over onto my back.
I hesitated but decided there wasn't much I could do about it, and turned over. The towel couldn't conceal my erection.
"Sorry about that."
"No worries. I've seen it before and will see it again. A massage sometimes has that effect."
I didn't initially speak as Scott began his work on my scalp and neck.
Scott continued, "Leslie was in here just last week. Did she tell you?"
"Yes."
"She tell you anything else?", asked Scott.
"She told me about you and Anne. I'm really sorry to hear about that. While I didn't know her, Leslie really liked her."
Scott continued his massage as I searched for my words.
After a minute, I added weakly, my voice shaking, "And, she told you about me."
I added, "She's amazing and I'm so lucky she's my wife, but yeah.", as my voice trailed off.
"Yeah, she is", said Scott. "And, yes you are."
"I was thinking about canceling this appointment. She made me keep it in fairness to you. I clearly needed the massage as you can tell."
"And, she thinks I need something else", my voice again weak and shaky.
I stalled some more as the words again escaped me. I was scared and embarrassed.
"Well, I'm not sure what I want."
"That's not true", I corrected myself.
"I know what I want, but don't know why I want it, and if I should do it."
"I'm not sure if it's really okay with Leslie", I continued. "She said it is. While I sort of believe her, I think she may be giving me permission reluctantly."
I was speaking faster now. "And, I'm not sure how you feel about it. I'm confused about it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Well, you get the picture.", I said with a sigh.
"That's a lot, Chris." Scott continued to work on my neck. "Let me try to help."
"I think you're right that Leslie would prefer it if you didn't want it. But you do and she accepts that."
"She's also likely guessed that the desire won't just go away."
"And, she'd be right. I can confirm that personally."
"I suspect she also knows that it's risky giving you permission because it might lead to you wanting to try other things."
"She's giving you a safe space for this, but it's risky for her."
Scott moved his work down to my quads.
"I can also say from experience that the more you partake, the more you will want. It's kind of addictive. So, be aware of that danger, too."
I lay there taking in Scott's words.
"And you're okay with this, Scott?", I asked.
"Yeah, I am. Did Leslie tell you anything about my backstory? About my gay friend from high school?"
"Yeah."
"This is kind of the same. Alex was a good friend. We were really close. He had no way to safely explore his sexual needs. I just helped give him a safe outlet. I spoke to him the other day. He and his husband live in Boulder. We're still close."
"So, you're just helping a friend here.", I said.
"Yep."
Scott continued his work on my quads, moving back and forth between my two legs. Noticing that my erection stayed with me during our talk, he asked, "So?"