The year is 1851 and I am in the lounge when mother walks in.
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"When are you going to settle down and marry Geoffrey?" Mother asked for what must have been the hundredth time.
"When I'm good and ready," I replied.
"Only Rupert has two lovely little boys already," she reminded me that my younger brother had already wed..
"And the ugliest wife this side of Putney Bridge," I reminded her.
"Rebeckah is a lovely girl, she cannot help her looks," Mother chided, "But as you know if you are not wed before you turn thirty great aunt Eleanor's money goes to cousin James instead."
"A few hundred pounds, Pah!" I cried knowing the old bitch's estate was worth almost nothing.
"Actually it has done rather well since her her executors sold her country estate to the Macclesfield and Salford extension railway in exchange for shares in the company." Mother added.
"So?" I sighed.
"And worth half a million pounds."
"Bloody hell!" I gasped, why I could pay my bill at the whore house, pay my gambling debts and buy myself out of the damned army.
"But as you are twenty nine already dear Aunt Delilah has taken it upon herself to find you a bride and she has chosen her great friend Gertrude's daughter, Lucinda," Mother continued.
"Her!, dear god, she's a servant of Lesbos, she would no sooner take me than an elephant!" I exclaimed.
"A half million is a great aphrodisiac," she pointed out, "And you will be free to chase whores till your hearts content."
"But Mother, she consorts with other women carnally!" I gasped.
"As does Aunt Delilah," Mother pointed out.
"Ah, a marriage for appearances," I declared.
"But of course Geoffrey," Mother continued, "No one woman could conceivably absorb your passion, no if you two marry I dare say she will frighten every serving maid witless while you waste all your money on whores, rather like your poor father."
Poor father, he had a seizure when in full passion with a whore in the back room at the Dog and Duck and it took three men to pull them apart. He still has no life in his left leg or left arm which means he needs the assistance of two footmen when he fornicates, but I am sure you do not wish to hear how he accomplishes the deed. It really does defy the imagination. Ugh!
Lucinda was the same age as I and we had met on various social occasions. She was tall and willowy, carried a revolting snappy little lap dog at all times and almost invariably has some sweet serving maid in tow. It was supposed she subjected each to every possible indignity before casting them aside for the next. Rather like I did with a new whore come to think of it.
It was widely believed that Lucinda saved her smiles for her girls, others believed her incapable of smiling. She had the charm of a rattlesnake and the wit of an Orang Outang. She smelled rather like the jungle or the monkey house at Kew Gardens with all the gallons of scent she doused herself in before venturing out.
Short dark hair scraped into a bun like our new queen, Victoria the First if you please, hardly enhanced her looks, hard cold grey eyes, need I go on.
We met briefly at Aunt Delilah's house. Took afternoon tea together without actually commencing hostilities and took a stroll along the terrace un chaperoned.
"This most certainly was not my idea," she hissed.
"Nor mine," I agreed.
"Then we are agreed, separate lives." she insisted.
"Separate beds," I added.
"And don't even think of consummation," she hissed.
"No, indeed , that would be a challenge beyond even my abilities," I admitted.
"That is a relief," she agreed, "I think I have found a most agreeable property nearby, near enough to the flesh pots for you and yet in fashionable neighbourhood."
"Excellent, I need stabling of course and several chambermaids." I explained.
"Yes, lots of sweet young chambermaids, I think we might just rub along famously," she opined and against all expectations she smiled.
The wedding was a modest affair, five hundred guests or less. I am afraid the kiss on the brides's cheek was amongst the most perfunctory ever planted and the reception in the Assembly rooms one of the most as they say "Cost Effective" ever. Aunt Delilah paid and she was ever loath to part with her guineas. I swear she served carbonated spring water while claiming it to be Champagne.
We retired to Aunt Delilah's residence in the early evening. We sat down to dinner, ate our fill and then Aunt Delilah announced, "Good, there remains just one small matter to resolve, Consummation."
"We have agreed such is unnecessary," Lucinda announced, haven't we Geoffrey."
"Yes," I agreed.
"Nonsense, it must be consummated to complete the legalities, is that not right Mr Lawson?" the old witch asked.
Her weasel faced Lawyer agreed. "Consummated and witnessed My Lady."
"I'm no damned Lady," Delilah snapped, "I'm a Miss and always shall be, but come we must witness the deed."
"Can we wait till tomorrow?" Lucinda asked playing for time.
"No indeed not, we have witnesses here now, now is the time!" Delilah insisted.
"Er, this is awkward," I whispered to Lucinda, "I am afraid I can't just become aroused at will, I fear consummation may be impossible."
"I have no desire what so ever to consummate the relationship either," she admitted, "What do we do now?"
"Would you excuse us please?" Lucinda asked and she grasped me by the arm and hurried me from the room.
"This is a fine mess," Lucinda hissed, "How shall we consummate a union neither of us desires."
"Perhaps you could rouse me if you were to condescend to suckle my member?" I asked.
"Most certainly not!" she snapped, "And there is not a single thing you can do to rouse my passions. either."
