Warning: This part of the story includes themes revolving around Smegma.
Santa's New Helper - Part 1.
Written by HumbleHeretic
Jackson couldn't believe it, it was right in front of his eyes yet it still didn't seem real. It couldn't seem real in fact, after all, portals were something that were supposed to only exist in fantasy. That's right, a portal, not the type of portal used in networks, but a literal portal to another place. A warp hole, a spatial door, a round, glowing entity complete with sparkling light balls and all that fanciful shit. The young man would think that he was dreaming were it not for the biting cold of the winter night blowing on his exposed skin.
But why would a portal appear here of all places, below this abandoned bridge? Jackson would be wondering the same if he hadn't witnessed what he did mere minutes ago, in some ways it was an even more unbelievable sight than the fantasy doorway laid before him.
Jackson was an honest to goodness scoundrel, a real menace to society, the type that got kicked out of his family home for bad behaviour at a young age. That was a story of a couple years ago, coming back to the present, the young man was now doing a bit of Christmas Eve "shopping". "Shopping" in this case referred not to the act of going to a store and buying things with one's own money, but rather the act of "relieving" unsuspecting people of the things they bought with their own money. Jackson was a burglar basically, an amateur one at that. And what better time to go "shopping" than on this cold winter's night?
The young man had already picked out his targets for the night and had made a stop below this abandoned bridge to make a check that everything was in order. And that was when he'd witnessed it. The portal suddenly springing open nearby, and a shadow zipping through and disappearing into the snowy night. It had flown by so fast, naught but the resulting turbulence announcing it's passing as the young man's scarf was kicked up by the wind. As fast as it was though, Jackson had managed to capture a few things in that moment.
The colour of brown followed by a vibrant red colour, and the distinct sound of jingle bells that were usually only heard round this time of year. There was only a single being of legend that Jackson thought could and would make such a magical appearance on this specific day at this specific time. Assuming still that all of this wasn't a hallucination brought on by the cold, it meant that those old Christmas stories that were told to kids of a certain saint Nick were at least somewhat true. It was something that was hard to believe despite him just having witnessed it himself. What was even more unbelievable though was that Mr. Clause had just left this portal open in the middle of nowhere!
"There's no way right?"
Mist puffed from Jackson's mouth as he murmured while gingerly reaching his hand into the portal. He stood at the edge of the glowing round space door and from there he could see that his hand had gone in without passing out the back part! Not only that but his hand inside the portal felt even colder than the rest of his body outside of it! It was real!
The moment Jackson confirmed that the portal was real, a thought popped into his mind, a rather no good thought. Surely Ol' Santa's workshop would have a lot of stuff that was countless times more valuable than the houses he was planning to trespass in tonight, right? It only made sense, after all, if Santa was real, then his workshop was also real, right? It was here that the young man made up his mind. Before the portal suddenly closed, before Mr. Clause came back, why not do a bit of quick "shopping" over at the North Poll?
He doubted that Santa Clause would expect a random person to suddenly wander into one of his portals, the jolly old man probably forgot to close it because of his old age. Security should therefore not be an issue, and even if he got caught, he could probably play innocent and ask to be sent back home. It was a plan that couldn't fail, and one that he only had this one opportunity to try to achieve. Seeing as he had nothing to lose, Jackson headed into the portal with little hesitation.
In his excitement though, the young man seemed to have forgotten one thing. If Santa was real, then his list was also real, and he would always know who was nice, and who was naughty.
***
"This is too easy."
The situation on the other side was even more optimistic that Jackson had anticipated. Forget security, there was hardly even anyone around, as though all the elves had already clocked out as soon as they'd finished their work. In the first place the young man was half expecting to be thrown out into a blizzard at the end of Santa's driveway, assuming that sleighs needed one. Instead he'd been put right at the front entrance to the village. It was almost exactly as it was described in books and movies, the flashy decoration, the delicious smells, there were even a couple elves walking around.
The little creatures were just as he'd dreamed them to be as a kid, they were even dressed in the usual green garb with pointy hats and curly shoes. Their proportions were just a bit jarring when seen in reality though. It took a bit of sneaking to stay out of view, however it required a lot less caution than he thought, to the point that even an amateur burglar like him could eventually make it to his destination unnoticed.
The workshop, it was a place hard to miss as it was easily the largest construct in the village. That also thankfully meant that it had other entrances than just the large main entrance. Jackson managed to easily get into one of these entrances since none of the doors were even locked. The trust placed in these elvish employees was in a different dimension compared to the outside world. That likely meant there was no surveillance as well, it was just good news after good news. This was a heist so easy that it actually gave the young man goosebumps, Jackson simply couldn't believe how lucky he'd gotten.
"Holy shit..."
While the security of the place was far from a modern level, the production was the complete opposite. Lined up inside one of the many storage rooms of the workshop were the "toys" the elves had supposedly made. Wooden soldiers and model trains? No, more like Graphics Cards and Steam decks! It was a smorgasbord of stuff that would make the modern day consumer cream themselves on the spot, the smell of new electronics was intoxicating! There was so much splendour that Jackson only regained his senses when he remembered that he didn't have much time.
He had brought his sack with which he planned to rob some poor kids of their Christmas presents, however there was only so much space. The young man grabbed the items that were small yet extremely valuable. He fit as many as he could in his "shopping bag" in the little time that he assumed he had. The more weight was added to the sack, the harder his heart pounded, the burglar stuffed his bag to the brim until the edge of an RTX 4090 was sticking out the top. Only then did he decide that his job was done.
"Merry Christmas to me~♪"
With his heavy sack thrown over his shoulder, the young man made his way out of the workshop, so relaxed that he was even singing a soft tune to himself. Leaving the village was only a little harder than sneaking in, now that he had the full sack to carry with him, however it was still no issue to make it out unnoticed. After only a few minutes, Jackson was back to where he started. His heart eased tremendously as he gazed at the glowing portal that was still exactly where he'd left it, it would have been much harder to plead his innocence with literal pounds of expensive gifts thrown over his shoulder.
Thankfully, he was home free, or so he thought until now. For as the young man was about to step foot into the portal again, thoughts of laying out his haul when he got back to his apartment on his mind, he was suddenly confronted.
"Hey, got everything you need?"
"?!"
No, that was impossible. He'd made sure that the coast was clear, he'd taken a look and check the scene twice before he went towards the portal! However, that voice was unmistakeably real, and it had come from behind him. Pausing in place, heart ready to rip out of his chest, Jackson spun around. And after he turned around, he was made to look down at the one who called him. An elf, an elf that looked much the same as all the identical elves he'd spotted in the village, except this one was dressed in all red. And in said elf's hand as they looked at the human with a suspicious smile, was a small heap of glittering golden sand.
"Sweat dreams, phew!"
"Ooptftftft~!"
Jackson became startled as the golden powder was suddenly blown up into his face! However, his startled state only lasted for a short moment, for the next, everything went blank.
POFF!
A thud was heard below the old abandoned bridge. If anybody had been around, they would see the glowing round portal and half of a person's body that had just fallen out of it. The other half of the unconscious young man's frame was swallowed into the light of the portal.
KRRFF~
Then one would be able to witness as the unconscious young man was slowly dragged through the snow, deeper into the portal. Even more of his body disappearing inside until all that was left was the large heavy sack in his hand. However even that was soon dragged in, the young man's unconsciousness not swaying his inherent greed to not let go of the sack until it too disappeared beyond the portal.
Fwoosh~! Jingle~♪♫
Finally, turbulence as a red shadow zipped by. This speedy shadow followed right behind the young man and the sack into the portal, and a couple seconds after the kicked up snow settled, the scenery below the bridge returned to normal. No unconscious young man, no overfilled sack of stolen goods, and no portal at all, as if none of it had ever existed there in the first place.
***
