Ethan sat on the edge of his bed, half-heartedly rolling his shoulders back in an attempt to make them seem broader. He had been doing push-ups earlier, hoping the burn in his arms would make him feel stronger, more solid--more like the man he was supposed to be. But the more he tried, the more unnatural it felt. His reflection in the mirror didn't exude strength or confidence; instead, it showed hesitation, like someone wearing clothes that didn't quite fit.
He adjusted his jaw, tightening it the way he'd seen Jayce do so smoothly, but it just made him feel stiff. He let out a dismissive breath and ran a hand through his hair, messing it up slightly, trying for an easy, careless look. It didn't work. No matter how much he tried to force himself into the mold, something always felt... off.
Ava never seemed to have that problem.
The thought of her made his stomach flutter. She was effortless. Always sure of herself. Always poised. Even the way she spoke carried an ease that Ethan envied. And it wasn't just confidence--there was something about the way she existed, completely in command of herself, her movements, her presence. He wished, in a way he couldn't fully articulate, that he could borrow some of that. Just for a little while.
A heavy knock on the door shook him from his thoughts. "Yo, Ethan, you in there?" Jayce's voice, low and casual, filtered through the wood. Before Ethan could answer, the door cracked open, and Jayce's broad frame filled the doorway.
Ethan straightened instinctively, suddenly hyper-aware of himself.
"Yeah."
"You good?" Jayce asked, stepping in just enough to lean against the frame. He was holding a protein shake in one hand, a casual afterthought to his usual routine.
"Yeah, just...thinking."
Jayce smirked. "You do that a lot."
Ethan let out a weak chuckle, unsure if it was meant as a joke or an observation. Jayce meant well, but everything about him--the way he stood, the way he spoke, the way he never seemed to second-guess himself--made Ethan feel like he was playing a different game with different rules.
"Hey, I'm gonna grab food in a bit. You wanna come with?" Jayce asked.
"Uh, no thanks. I'm good."
Jayce shrugged. "Ok, cool. See ya later, man."
Ethan listened as Jayce's footsteps receded down the hallway, and he let his body relax. He glanced at the mirror one last time, then shook his head and pushed himself up off the bed.
***
The apartment was quiet except for the soft hum of the overhead fan, circling lazily above Ethan, his slight frame draped across the couch. He caught his mind drifting again, and, as always, it sparked the same strange mix of shame and longing it always did, whenever his thoughts wandered to places they shouldn't.
Across the room, Ava was perched at her desk, illuminated by the glow of her laptop. Her posture was as perfect as ever, back straight, legs crossed, the kind of effortless grace that Ethan always felt like he was tripping over himself to emulate without even realizing it. She didn't look up, but Ethan could feel her attention on him. Whenever they were together he felt like she was analysing him and piecing together some secret audit in her mind.
He glanced at the clock on the wall. It had been nearly half an hour since Jayce had gone out and the apartment had fallen into silence.
"How long are you going to sit there, sulking?" Ava's voice cut through the quiet, abrupt but not unkind. It had that familiar edge that told him she wasn't really asking.
"I'm not sulking," Ethan replied quickly, his voice more defensive than he would have liked.
Ava turned her head, offering a cheeky smile. "Then what are you doing? Brooding? Stewing? Pouting?" She didn't ask questions idly--there was always a kind of careful attentiveness in the way she observed him as if she saw something he couldn't.
He didn't have a good answer, so he just looked away, slightly flushed.
Ava sighed, swerving in her seat and uncrossing her legs. She leaned forward slightly, resting her elbows on her thighs as she studied him intently causing Ethan to fidget under her gaze. He knew that look, that calculating expression that always made him feel like she was dissecting him, peeling away layer after layer until she found what she was looking for.
Ava pursed her lips, tilting her head to the side as she continued to scrutinize him.
"Come with me" She said, in an enthusiastic, but deliberate tone. "I need your help with something."
Ethan did as he was told, got up from his seat and followed her as instructed, although he did try overtly throwing his arms up, to at least present the impression that he was reluctant about it. A victory of autonomy he told himself, however small.
***
As they entered her bedroom, a first for Ethan, in the month or so since they'd moved in, he was struck by how much it contrasted with his own. The size alone could be double, and everything was so immaculately organised. A collage of her with friends and family hung on the back wall in a symmetrical grid above her flawlessly made bed, to the right stood a full-length, decorative mirror and to the left, her built-in wardrobe, housing what was seemingly, an endless supply of clothes. The final thing that hit him, and what he envied the most, was the en-suite bathroom Ava had so enthusiastically sung about.
She had claimed the room within minutes of them all moving in at the start of the semester, and at the time Ethan didn't have the will to protest. Jayce, for his part, didn't seem to be bothered at all, he was rarely ever here, and besides, he didn't really care about much anyway.
Ava led him over to her vanity counter facing the foot of the bed and excitedly plopped herself down, gesturing for Ethan to do the same.
"So, I need your opinion on something." She began immediately.
Ethan nodded, trying to ignore the flutter of nervousness in his chest her request had triggered. He didn't know why he was nervous, he was just... nervous.
"You're a guy, right?" Ava asked, with a sincerity that threw him off.
"Yeah?" He replied, unsure why she'd even asked.
"So you know what guys like, right?" She continued, her smirk growing wider.
Ethan felt his cheeks flush. He wasn't sure if he did fully know what guys liked, he was hardly the macho guy that the world seemed to expect him to be. "I guess..." He said, feeling increasingly uncomfortable about where this line of questioning was headed, and creeping thoughts of his masculine inadequacy began to rear up in his head.
Ava grinned, reaching for something on her desk. "Do you think this colour looks good on me?" She said, holding up a tube of lipstick obnoxiously close to Ethan's face, hawkishly scanning for his reaction. It was a bright red shade, almost garish, and the sight of it made his stomach tingle for reasons he couldn't explain.
Ava picked up on his discomfort and giggled. "You're adorable when you're nervous, Ethan." She said, a teasing lilt in her voice. "But seriously, what do you think?"
