Chapter 3: Perhaps We Can All Learn
I keep learning.
I learn that Paris is so distant. Not just geographically, really. Land, ocean, and land again separates it for me, but it's another world altogether, one where I simply don't belong. It's so simple, now that I think about it.
So simple.
The corollary is obvious. If Paris is distant, everything and everyone in it must also be distant, too. The logic is literally irrefutable, and so are my emotions. Mark's voice, a voice that used to mean so much to me now, feels just like white noise when we call, these days.
How could it not? It's so far away... while Mira's husky, rich, enveloping voice is so, so close...
I have learned I don't need to fear planes. Why would I? It's not like I'm ever going to board one. The worst thing that could happen is for a plane to fall on my head, and what are the odds of that?
It's so simple. So, so simple. Just don't get into a plane, done. Fear solved. Why didn't I think of this before?
Maybe because I'm just a stupid, silly girl. But Mira knows better. Thanks to her therapy, I haven't thought about planes in so long! Isn't that amazing? I swear, Mira isn't just a therapist, she's...
Something more...
A wizard! A miracle-worker. Our sessions are so intense, now that we understand one another so well. Sometimes, we don't even need words anymore, which if you think about it, is actually stunning -- what a skilled therapist she is!
No, no words. She simply looks into my eyes, and I swim into her eyes, and my mind starts to unravel, and I learn how to overcome my fear of women -- my fear of Mira. And once again, thanks to my therapist's exceptional guidance, I see it now. This, too, is simple, so simple.
If I make myself useful to women... to Mira... then they, she, will not crush me under their heels.
"Put these away for me," she'd command one day, her voice unyielding, and I'd find myself nodding, mindlessly accepting her files and folders, and assorting them accorting to her wishes.
Useful.
The next, it'd be, "Fetch me a latte from the cafΓ© down the street." And I'd be out the door before I even realised I'd moved, powered by the biggest motivator of all: self-preservation. I know with certainty that, just as Paris is so distant, just as planes are not to be feared, that I am to be of use to women.
It's so simple. There's no need to fear women. If I do absolutely everything they want, why would they ever harm me? I truly get scared over the silliest of things, sometimes.
The phone buzzes, breaking my train of thought. It's him. My boyfriend. His name, once so familiar, now feels foreign as I wordlessly mouth it. Mark. It sounds so unreal. Mark.
Meh. Pretty daft name, in retrospect... Mira sounds much more elegant.
His picture displays on the screen, but the urge to pick up is strangely absent. Instead, I let it ring, watching the screen until his face disappears, and the missed call notification pops up.
Later, I tell myself. But even as the thought forms, I know that Paris is so distant, that he's in Paris, that I won't board a plane, that I'm busy being useful to Mira. I know I won't call back.
The tasks Mira assigns become more personal.
"Sort out my files," she'd instruct, and I'd find myself pouring over her personal documents, arranging them meticulously. Or, "Massage my shoulders," and I'd obediently knead away the tension, losing myself in the rhythm of the task.
Be of use.
There's a comfort in the monotony, a peace in letting go of control. Maybe that's the real lesson underneath it all. My fears are a subset of me, just like Mark is a subset of Paris. If you can't conquer your fears, just let someone else conquer you.
The fears will come along. They have to, because they're a smaller part of the whole you, and if the whole is conquered, the fears are conquered as well.
That's why I'm not worried in the slightest when, abruptly, I find myself on the ground under Mira's desk, my head resting against her knee. I don't know how I got here, exactly, and I feel like I'm losing track of time... but so what?
She's conquered my fears. I have no reason for anxiety, none in the whole wide world. She strokes my hair, a gentle touch that reassures me in that fact. I'm safe here.
Under Mira.
Even from a purely logical angle, I don't question it much. She did once tell me that changing positions in a room can help the brain figure out creative ways to solve its problems. It's totally normal for me to be sitting at my therapist's feet, soaking in her lessons... learning, because it's so simple...
"Lost, aren't you?" she murmurs.
I stare up at her, uncertain how to respond. What should I say? There is a weird, vacant feeling where my initiative would normally be. I tentatively open my lips, but Mira's hand cradles the back of my neck, and any potential words die in my throat.
"Shh," she whispers, pulling me closer. "You're right where you need to be. You're learning."
Her hand pushes my head down, towards her shoes, and of course that makes sense. I'm learning at her feet, as the expression goes. Gravity pulls stuff down. Her lessons flow downward, like everything else, to pool at her feet. If I'm down there, I'll catch them all, and learn so much faster.