It had been a long time since I had last flown, and I had forgotten how much it sucked. The flying itself is ok, but airports are in some special circle of Hell all their own. Then, of course, there was the worst part...
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
I don't know what was worse, the sound of Lorraine chewing her gum or the sight of her doing it with her mouth open. From the very moment we had gotten into the car, she seemed to make it her mission to annoy me. The whole car ride, we had argued over which radio station to set it to, and whatever was playing, she'd talk over it, battering me with stupid questions or going on and on about crap that I didn't care about. No, I don't watch anime, stop asking! After seeing how she normally handled Steve, it made me want to get a handful of saltines and force them into her mouth, preferably with enough strength to chip her teeth. Now we were standing in line to check our luggage, and less than two feet away was Lorraine, chewing like a camel.
"Can you please, PLEASE, close your mouth?" I asked, now able to feel my heart beating in my temples.
"I don't like to chew gum with my mouth closed."
I took a trembling breath, trying to hold my temper in check. "Could you do it for me? Please?"
"But then I wouldn't get to see you pop a blood vessel."
She's right, I'm about to have a fucking aneurysm. I'm going to strangle this bitch, and by the time security guards pull me off, we'll both be dead, me with blood coming out of my mouth, nose, ears, and eyes.
"Spit out the gum or I'll tell the TSA that you're smuggling drugs."
"Jokes on you, getting a cavity search is one of the kinks in my three favorite fanfictions."
"How the hell did Elise ever put up with you?"
"She didn't, remember? That's one of the reasons why she kicked me out."
"She should have put a plastic bag over your head and finished the job."
"I tried that once during sex. Great orgasms but it ruined the money shot."
"Oh, dear God..."
"Yes, all glory to the Deer God!"
Elise, if you watch the news and happen to see that our flight got hijacked and crashed somewhere, just know it was me. You'll understand why I did it.
---
Momo, Sonja, Chloe, and Leah sat on the couch in Elise's living room, looking out the window behind it. They all had the same thought: 'Lorraine's car is going to come back up the driveway right... now.' Slithering by, Elise stopped and checked on them, overwhelmed by how pitiful they looked. She had just served everyone lunch, and while the girls ate gratefully, they had done so quickly so that they could rush back to the couch and keep a lookout. Maybe keeping them busy would cheer them up a bit.
"I think it's time for you girls to see what you're in for. Betty, could you give them a crash course?"
Betty got up from the dinner table and cricked her neck. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea. All right, everyone, back to work."
Elise watched as the eight hybrids strolled outside to the barn, chuckling at the ridiculous sight.
---
While it took a lot longer than I had expected, we were up in the air on our way to LaGuardia. Lorraine was sitting next to me, finally quiet. Since we were packed together with the other passengers, we weren't able to talk about our pets and it seemed that she had run out of ways to annoy me. The plane had finally reached its cruising altitude and at last, I could relax. Ah, a window seat on an airplane with a cold drink and Time magazine. It's blissful.
"So, what was it like having anal sex with my sister?"
I, along with several other people, choked on our drinks, as everyone within earshot turned their heads in utter disbelief that such a question would be asked out loud. I glared at Lorraine, who had a look of smug satisfaction upon finding a new way to embarrass me.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you even ask that?"
"Just tell me whose idea it was. Did you have to dominate her or did she ask for it? I heard you two from the guest room but I had no idea you were taking the dirt road."
"I refuse to discuss this with you."
"Did you give her a Dirty Sanchez?"
"I'm not answering."
"Did she give you a Cleveland Steamer?"
"You're going to get us arrested."
"Knowing her, there probably wasn't any lube. But she might have used something else, maybe... moisturizer? It was all frothy afterwards, wasn't it?"
"Jesus Christ, there are kids nearby that can hear you!"
"Oh, that would have been fun to watch. I bet she was really awkward at it, like a newborn horse standing up for the first time. Did you ever bend over those three lovely ladies like that?"
"No, I didn't, and I really wish you'd shut up."
Finally, the flight attendant came over. "Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to keep your voice down. Your conversation is disturbing the other passengers."
Lorraine held up her empty cup. "Sorry, I tend to blather when I'm sober."
The woman took the hint and gave her some mini bottles. The liquor pacified Lorraine for a bit, giving the passengers some time to try and forget the conversation ever happened. But after a while, she leaned over to me and spoke in a whisper.
"There is something I need to tell you. Meet me in the bathroom in two minutes. Knock on the door four times."
Oh Jesus, what was it now?
Lorraine got up from her seat and made her way down the aisle to the bathroom. It was vacant and she locked herself inside. Honestly, I really didn't want to get up. I really didn't want to hear what she had to say. I would have been perfectly content to just continue reading my magazine, but two minutes passed and I knew I had to go find out what was so urgent. I got up and made the same trip she had, reaching the bathroom. I made four soft knocks on the door and she pulled me in. We faced each other in the cramped airplane bathroom.
"What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"