She shifting her gaze from her cup to my eyes, as if to emphasize a rare moment of honesty.
"Soon as I could, when I had my first job, I ordered my first sexy underwear from Fredericks. A G-string and a push-up bra. When I put it on and looked in the mirror, I was a different person. Desirable. Daring. Confident. I felt like I was suddenly 'out there'. That guys would look at me and want me. It gave me power I think. It was a while before I could wear that stuff out of the house. But when I did, man, like, it was instant. I would be ordering a coffee and some dude couldn't keep his eyes off my tits. Not being used to having guys check me out, I was loving it. It made me wet. I discovered my superpower."
A week or so after that conversation she started asking me about sex.
"What do you like to do the most?" What would you like to do that you haven't done?"
No girl had ever asked me this. Truth is, I never told anyone the things I really wanted to do with a girl. They were way too "out there". I was into watching porn, and I wanted to do the things I saw in those videos. But my real sex life with most girls was pretty vanilla. Once in a while I would use a sex toy with a girl, but that's about it. When it came to bondage, role play, threesomes, more advanced sexual activities, I truly craved a partner that would indulge these fantasies, but never seemed to find one. Or maybe I wasn't ready.
A few times I felt close. A girl once told me, "You can do anything you want to me." I thought that was super-hot, but I failed to take her up on that. Another girl dirty-talked about, "having sex in a room full of people having sex." I would have loved that. I wanted to see another guy fuck her in front of me. But we never acted on it. I didn't have the courage to, or know how to broach the subject or make the suggestion. It seemed too risky, and I didn't trust anyone. I think I was concerned that if we did something like that, word would travel. She would tell other people about it after our relationship was over. I couldn't risk that.
Eventually I realized that problem was really me. I had a few opportunities that could have developed into wild situations, but I either failed to recognize them, or didn't have the courage. I needed someone to push me.
"I don't know..."
I felt myself at a crossroads. Should I trust her and open up about the things I had always wanted to do sexually? Some of them were pretty advanced. Pretty out there. No matter how confident a person thinks they are, there is always this fear of being judged harshly for your most secret, guarded desires.
And, there is this: if you live your most secret desires, your wildest fantasies, you are- in effect- giving them up. They end. The wondering about what they would be like disappears. You lose that. What if they aren't great? What if it isn't as hot as you originally thought it would be? It seemed like a huge opportunity for a let-down and breach of trust.
How I answered this question was a major crossroads. It would determine the trajectory of our relationship going forward. If I told her the real things I wanted to do, she could say, "That's gross!". Where would we go after the horrifically awkward silence that would inevitably follow?
I flashed back on our sexual experiences over the previous weeks. That night when we first fucked. How she was dressed. The things she whispered to me. Her begging to be fucked. Begging for me to cum inside her. It seemed like she might be game for anything.
