So now I was a member of the Munchies. You think I got into that club for nothing, but believe me, I paid my dues.
Every day just about noon Jaz would come by the loading dock to pick me up.
"Come on, Larry!" she would sing out. "Time for lunch!" Just to be sure I got the message, all the other guys in earshot would chime in, repeating what Jaz just said and usually adding their own five cents. "Time for lunch, Larry. Mustn't keep the girls waiting. Don't forget your handbag. Is your make-up on straight?"
Yeah, real comedians. I almost busted my girdle laughing.
Once I got away from those jokers, Jaz and I would head for the parking lot and pile with the rest of the group into Kimberley's van. It's Kimberley, by the way. Don't call her Kim. Cute little brunette, but her height matched her temper - short. I guess having three kids will do that to you. Getting behind the wheel of the van definitely sent her into Mom-mode. Seemed like she always wanted to be in control but never quite got there. She was constantly shushing the group down when it got too loud and trying to keep the conversation decent, which with this pack was no easy trick. Since she was also the head of personnel, I tried to be extra nice to her because you just never know.
Summer was the easy-go receptionist, a willowy blonde who was really good at her job of making people not mind waiting in the waiting area one bit. She also had a phone voice that definitely kept callers on the line as long as she wanted to hold them. The only reason Summer didn't run the world was that she was a little bit out of it and didn't seem to care to.
And finally there was Brooke, who was also quite capable of running the world and did care to thank you very much. Brooke was a VP sent by corporate after it acquired our company a couple years ago. The founder, Ed Grant, was definitely on the way out and it was clearly just a matter of time before Brooke moved into his office. Always immaculately made-up and styled, I guess you could say she was attractive if it weren't for the fact that her whole look was one big keep off the grass sign. Not sure what her angle was in hanging out with the Munchies, but I tried to avoid sitting next to her.
That was the group. Jaz and Nurse Yi you already know.
It was a quick ride over to Andrea's Place, a local eatery that (I think) used to be a dyke bar. The walls were still covered with pictures of "famous" women, most of which I did not recognize. Aside from its sordid past, Andrea's was famous for its custom-made salads, which drew in the office girls from all over the area, including the Munchies.
Man, the options at that place were simply mind-boggling. You just want a wedge salad with a little ranch dressing on the side? Fuhgeddaboudit! The mix of type of lettuce, toppings and dressing had to be reviewed, discussed and planned out like it was the freakin' invasion of Normandy. Because my math skills were not up to producing an accurate calorie count and I could never get the acidic balance right, I just let Jaz and Nurse Yi order for me.
Once ordering was out of the way, the conversation would turn to other matters. Usually gossip, shopping and what was on TV last night. But sometimes, once they got used to my being there, things could get a little x-rated. I mean, these were some raunchy broads here. Luckily, at that time of day there were rarely any kids in earshot.
Lemme clue you in guys - size matters. And shapes too. And hairiness and smell and taste. Oh, and stamina. Definitely can't leave that one out. They would talk about everything, with all the gory details and the more the better. It was sort of interesting to hang out in the other locker room for a change, if you know what I mean, and mostly I was happy to just sit and listen. But inevitably, someone was going to try to include me in the conversation. That was rarely a good thing.
For example, it turns out that Summer had started to date my old buddy Lou. It was definitely entertaining to hear about him from the perspective of the opposite persuasion. But one day, a relationship "crisis" hit and my advice as the resident expert on males was sought. I still remember choking on my croutons.
"So anyway," says Summer as she nervously twisted her hair of spun gold, "Lou and I have been having a great time together. And we've been getting pretty, you know, intimate. He's a real sweet guy, Larry. You're his friend so you already know this."
I probably would not have used that word to describe Lou, at least not to his face. Also because I know for a fact that he has already gone through three wives. Yeah, he's sweet at first, they have a great time, then he has a little too much to drink one night and proposes. After that, it's six months to a year until he gets tired of the "same old same old" and dumps them. Oh, I could tell a few tales about Sweet Lou, but sitting here with the girls I just nodded in agreement. I was getting pretty good at that.
