The sun hadn't risen and I needed to go to sleep; I was gonna need it, after all. I tossed on my bed one way and the other, moving over and over in hopes that my mind would outrun the nerves.
"I can't be classified as a disgraceful, I just can't." I thought.
I turned to look at the wall and squeezed my eyes shut. No luck; still awake. I turned one last time and rose from my bed. My eyes had gotten accustomed to the darkness so the clothes that I dropped last night determined to get a good night's sleep were not a problem for me to reach the toilet.
I squinted as the bathroom's light attacked my eyes just as I expected. I leaned on the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. "Is it the cold?" I asked myself, noticing the trembling that my hands had despite holding onto the sink, "Well, partially."
I am rather thin and don't have much muscle, so cold does affect me easily, but the anxiety was clearly the real culprit. I took a step back and breathed deep. My eyes fixated on the loose fitting boxers that I asked my mom to buy.
I had told myself that I wouldn't think of this, that today is not the day to doubt. My hands betrayed me, they felt it far too easy to slide their thumbs beneath the elastic and I saw as they lowered the cloth torturously slowly. I knew what I was doing, I did it every morning: I lowered my boxers in hopes of seeing something different, a miracle or at least a development. Today my chest stung more than usual, though, as I saw what I had seen hundreds of times before.
"You're a small man in a very big world."
It was probably the most hurtful thing I heard from my mom despite the kind sugarcoating of what she actually meant. I relived the experience every morning, sometimes reminded by a one inch softy, sometimes by a 3 inch morning wood.
I shaved it compulsively, I knew that it didn't help but since I had heard that it made it look bigger it became sort of a rite. Feeling the stress build up I grabbed the shaving cream and the razor and got to work. If anything, that did calm my nerves.
"It's okay." I said as I slid the blade on my already smoothed skin. "I know what I'm gonna do, I'm not stupid. I'm just aiming for five inches here, a typical inadequate; no one will suspect a thing."
The whole world is pretty hush-hush about the M-class examination. Those who haven't taken it can't be explained what it is because of the "purity of the test," whatever that means.
My mom has scolded me almost every time I've asked and the one time I asked a professor that I thought was my friend, I got a suspension and a stern talking to from my mother. It was ok though, what little was told to us in our last semester let me know that it just consisted of answering questions, they told us that our privacy would be respected and that we just had to answer truthfully (A bit contradictory if you ask me but I got what they were saying).
If anything, the real question was why do disgraceful men exist at all. I guessed that some guys probably placed high grades on themselves but would be suspect when it was known on Grader that they weren't having sex, but if I registered myself as an inadequate one, I would be just fine.
It all made sense, that's why there are so little disgraceful as well, it's not that men under four inches are that rare, it's that so long as you're not stupid or greedy, nobody needs to know.
I felt my arms relax as I closed my eyes and breathed. I slid my boxers back up without seeing; I didn't need to think about that anymore. "Until the end of the day, William Lowe has a five inch penis, not quite adequate but not disgraceful either." I thought to myself.
Stress built back up after my self-pep talk. It got a bit worse during breakfast with my mom and Luna and a lot worse on the ride there. I fumbled with the door handle and jolted a bit when my mom placed her hand on my thigh.
She gave me a sad smile and told me exactly what I couldn't hear at that moment: "I know that you aren't very gifted sweetheart, and I know that you're afraid. But you just have to tell the truth and whatever comes our way, we'll deal with it together. Okay?"
"Yes, Mom." I answered and turned around hoping to be done with it, but I felt her hand squeeze my thigh once more and turned back to look at her despite myself.
"Promise me you'll tell the truth, sweetie; it's... it's the right thing to do..." Fuck! Why did she have to make everything more difficult?
I lied to her; I had no choice. She's a woman, she might've seen how disgracefuls are treated but she never had to look at her own future when she did. She was gonna get mad at me when I returned with an inadequate M-class but she'd eventually understand; it would be easier for everyone.
I tried to keep my head down while heading to the door to avoid the imposing image of the government hospital; this one being for the processing of males, it was clearly meant to impose.
"Can't miss it: Third floor. Third door to the left. Just knock and they'll tell you what to do." The receptionist said with a smile.
"Thank you, ma'am." I said as I went on my way.
"The staff is kind." I whispered to myself. I wasn't in danger; I just had to answer some questions.
I sat in the waiting room in silence with two others. I had vowed to myself not to look at them and interact as little as possible. The reasoning is simple: They look nervous, I get more nervous. They look more confident, I also get more nervous; it's a lose-lose.
The two others came and sat as I continued to stare at my interlocked fingers. Finally, 10 am came: "Please come to the other room in an orderly fashion and line up."
Was the test gonna be done in a group? Standing? That sucked, it probably meant it was gonna be verbal. They'd use peer pressure to make us be truthful. I was fine though, I had envisioned all possibilities by now.
"Jonathan Adams?"
"Yes, ma'am." Answered the guy next to me.
"Do you solemnly swear by the Femstate and all those who you care for, to answer this examination's questions with the truth and nothing but the truth?" Second time I would lie that day, it seemed.
"Yes, ma'am." He answered.
"Please swear then." She told him. "Oh! Yes. Sorry. I swear." Two others swore and then it came to me.
"I swear." I answered, no voice crack, no nothing. I was killing it.
"Very well. Please follow me." She said after the last one swore.
"No verbal standing exam, after all." I thought.
We entered another room that had five other doors. Kinda weird, but since all men go through this I guessed they had some specialized facilities.
"You're gonna be answering some questions on a computer. No one will be there with you so don't worry about your privacy and just answer truthfully."
Was I dreaming? This felt too good to be true! Nothing quite as unthreatening as an inanimate object. I made an effort to contain my smile of relief, because I was feeling good about myself.
I entered the plain room and sat in front of the computer. It looked more like a small ATM than a computer. It was built into the wall and aside from the simple chair there was nothing in the room. No decor, no windows, nothing. Just a small, dim room--maybe 6' by 6'-- with two doors and the chair and computer. I sat down.
"Please answer the following questions truthfully." I almost snorted as I clicked the "I'll answer with the truth and nothing but the truth." check box.
Did they really think that some pledges to their shitty government was gonna cut it? Nah, they probably just don't care all that much.
"The answers on this test are important to the M-classification process," yada yada. I read through it quickly just to make sure there weren't some sneaky conditions there and finally got to the questions.
Name, age, height, blood type, all the stuff I was told would come came first. I hammered away on the keyboard, ready to be done with this and go home, then came the weird ones.
"What do you see in this picture?"
"A fucking shit stain." I thought to myself. I had to take it seriously, though.
I squinted my eyes a bit and started writing.
"A man on his kn-" oh I see what they're trying to do. Backspace.
"A futuristic fortress from above." It kinda did look like that...
"A peacock." "A snake." I got the hang of it pretty quick, I could tell what they wanted me to answer but they were out of luck.
Then came word associations, they had to be quick. A lot about family, hierarchy, dominance, sex. Why the hell did they need that?
I finally got to the part that no one was willing to talk about but was obvious regardless. "Citizen's History" the computer called the section, it should be called: "Gossip Material."
"Have you ever had a girlfriend?"
"No."
"Have you ever kissed a girl to whom you felt romantic or sexual attraction?"
"No."
"Are you a virgin?"
"Yes."
I didn't like the answers but I had to sell it. Just because they're dumb about their evaluation processes doesn't mean that I can be dumb when I answer them.
They got a bit more hurtful.
