Anna's mind was elsewhere throughout that evening.
She had never been on a date, much less an illicit midnight tryst with a complete stranger.
What was she thinking? How could she jeopardize her salvation in this wanton manner? What if the stranger was a rapist or murderer? What if he defiled her? Anna shook these thoughts away gently. She could feel the sweetness of Jake's kindness in his protective grasp, his concerned words. The memory of his warm eyes gave her a secret smile. No one had asked about her thoughts or feelings in so many months. No one had been concerned about her personhood or the choices she faced, the emotions she experienced.
Jake's curiosity and candor had intrigued her. His interest in her was intoxicating, like a drug. She felt an insatiable desire to have more of his attention. She wanted to hear his response to her thoughts and feelings. She wondered about him, as well. Where did he live, what did he do every day? What were his dreams about? How might his lips feel on hers?
She found herself contemplating a man in a way that had never previously occurred to her: as a complex and sympathetic consciousness, not as an authority to be obeyed, or a conduit to salvation. She could not see Jake, with his youth gleaming through his muscular frame and brown skin, as a stern figure of authority - not like her husband, Jebediah. If anything, Jake seemed like a friend, or a helper. A partner. She couldn't stop picturing in her mind his youthful, swarthy face, the full lips framed so beautifully by the slightest stubble of unshaven hair. His muscular arms with their colorful tattoos alarmed and excited her. She wondered what it would be like to be held in those strong arms...
She blushed thinking these impure thoughts. Jebediah, her rightful husband, was addressing her, and he inwardly applauded her extreme modesty, that she should blush so demurely when addressed by him. He was deeply pleased with his new wife. Her swelling breasts promised him the future of a new child in the household, and he knew many more would follow. His lovely young bride was full of promise and fecundity, a strong breeder and an obedient helpmeet. He hoped he might find another like her in a few years, once the first few children arrived and Anna lost her bloom.
Anna, unaware of Jeb's interests and plans for her, plotted her own course. As midnight approached , she had put on her warmest underclothes and sturdiest shoes. She tucked a photo of her mother, a toothbrush, and a few of her most sacred possessions into her bag, just in case something unknown might happen.
Her heart was beating wildly as she looked out the window, debating the best way to exit. She was grateful that Jeb had not chosen her for his holy union that night. She had been free, after washing up from dinner, to go to her room and feign sleep until the appointed hour.
Stealthily she snuck out of the house in terrified silence, her every step measured to bring her closer to Jake. She was a little delayed by the agonizingly slow pace her silent progress required. As she came out of the house under the night sky, she could see movement beneath the tree. A twig snapped. She held her breath. Not a soul stirred. She breathed more freely.
Jake's eyes glittered at her from beneath the branches. His dark hair and clothes helped him blend into the night. He stood up. She approached, her blonde hair loose and messy, her face flushed with fear and anticipation. He smiled.
"Anna," he took her hand softly. She cast her eyes down out of habit, but he brought his hand up to her chin and caught her gaze.
"Are you ready to go look at the stars?" he was smiling. She nodded.
They walked a long distance in silence, her hand in his. They headed out to the road away from the compound in pitch darkness. Jake held a tiny light that guided them. They reached his motorcycle, which was now roadworthy again after a minor repair. The bike's paint and chrome gleamed like liquid ink and silver under the expansive violet-blue of the night sky.
"You'll get on?" Jake asked. Anna nodded. He helped her on to the back, and then was in front of her, pulling her hands around him gently. "Hold on tight, for safety," he commanded evenly. He could feel her fear and modesty, her legs spread behind him, her hands gripping him intimately, but he cranked up the bike, and quickly roared off before she could second-guess her decision. They were on the road.
***
He knew a hillside, a small peak they could easily climb to. In under an hour, they had traversed a stony hillside and were seated on cold rocks under the brilliant sky. This was a famous place for stargazing, though Anna didn't know it.
The view they saw left her breathless. Jake's arms were gently laced under and around hers, their intimacy unspoken and unacknowledged, but deeply thrilling to them both. Anna felt her heart beating in her ears. She had never been so excited in close contact with a man.
"Heaven is so beautiful," she said reverently, her lips turning toward Jake as a cool wind swept them.
"So are you," Jake said softly. Their mouths met in a soft kiss, which slowly deepened. Their lips clinging gently, Anna felt Jake's tongue touch hers ever so briefly, and she withdrew slightly, their faces parting as they gazed steadily into each other's eyes. She smiled sadly, yearningly. Could he know how much she wanted him?
Breaking the heavy mood, Jake was asking her questions now, all about her life. She answered with candor. She had never had a conversation like this, with someone outside of her religious community. She felt fear in speaking her truthful answers, but he was not angry or judgmental or even aggressive in his questions. He was deeply interested in her, in her feelings and thoughts and whims. She became expressive, laughing even, telling him about her siblings growing up, her idyllic hometown with its ice cream shop and the library she loved and missed.
She asked about him in turn. She learned that he lived in a place called Los Angeles. "I know it from the map," she said uncertainly. "That is a very large city. Isn't it far away?"
He answered that it was, but only a few days' ride on the motorcycle.
He explained how he hoped, in a few years, to have built his own house, a cabin in some woods his family owned in the north. Maybe to have vegetable and flower gardens, to grow trees, and learn about plants, and have a workshop, and build things. He was active and industrious. He enjoyed nature, and thrilled to be outdoors.
"What about you? What would you like to be doing in the years ahead?" he asked it politely, but there was something in his tone that triggered Anna. Her face darkened.
"There is no choice for me, Jake. I have reason to believe I am with child now."
Jake flinched, but Anna didn't notice. She continued, relentlessly:
"I will be mothering soon, and from thenceforward, perhaps a mother to many children. The sister wives are unkind to me now, and I feel alone and forsaken. My life is very unhappy. But the household may grow more kind to me in time, once I have borne my own children - once I am contributing, rather than simply taking from the others. Jebediah tells me that it is so."
She heard Jake release a ragged breath. He had been fiddling with his lighter, and now he lit a cigarette and took a long drag. She did not find cigarettes distasteful so much as unfamiliar. The wind carried away the smoke.
