I was certain that the eyes I was gazing into belonged to the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She was beautiful, loyal, intelligent, and selfless. It was hard to imagine life without her, since we had began our courtship early during freshman year in high school.
Now both being 18, and nearly out of high school, our relationship had become much more than a mere courtship. Since then we had been inseparable. We went to all the dances together, spent every weekend together, and even went on a trip to Eastern Washington together. And although I loved her, there were many things that I still wanted to experience. Being a strait laced student, I felt I had missed out on meeting a lot of different people. I had never even been drunk before, but that was not what bothered me. I had always had a weird attraction to women that were the complete opposite of Amber. Girls that smoked, drank, swore, had sex, and just plain didn't give a shit. Things that Amber would never even consider doing, and things that I felt somewhat guilty about being turned on by. It was only recently that we'd become sexually active, despite being together for nearly four years. I never pushed the issue, but there were many restless nights following our dates that Amber had never known about.
The thing is, I hadn't really expected to have already met my true love by senior year in high school. Sometimes I couldn't believe that I was even with her, that maybe she was a dream. She was 5'3" and had an amazing, petite body. She had strait brown hair to the middle of her back and fair skin. Her eyes were big and bright and always brought a smile to my face. Like brown orbs of energy, radiating pure innocent beauty. Below her cute button nose were the fullest, poutiest, bee stung red lips I had ever seen. They had always reminded me of Angelina Jolies' lips, when she was younger, but even she might be jealous of Amber's amazing genetics. Despite all those amazing attributes, as well as being love with me, I still yearned to experience her doppelganger. A desire that had gotten so out of control that I had begun masturbating to the ideas in my mind more often that I had been making love to Amber.
So I had made a choice to tell her that I wanted to explore my options for a little while. There was only about two months before we graduated and I was going to run away with her to California, where both of us intended to go to college. If there was ever an opportunity to pursue this fantasy and hopefully get it out of my system, it was in these last few months before we began our life together. I was terrified of losing Amber forever, but either my hormones had overcome my fear or my libido was clouding my judgment. Either way, I was intent on having this conversation.
However, as I sat on the bed looking at her, those beautiful brown eyes gazing lovingly into mine, I suddenly felt a wave of guilt sweep over me. I was about to tell this girl, who would do anything for me, that she wasn't good enough. That's not how I saw it, as the blame for this lust inside of me was not the byproduct of anything she did or didn't do, but I knew that she would receive it that way. I tried to reason that if I could just get this fantasy out of my system, maybe it would allow me to love Amber even more.
"Amber, I've been thinking about us, and, how we're so young," I stammered clumsily.
Amber's eyes widened and her lips parted slightly as if she were going to say something, but closed them and awaited the rest of my statement.
"Maybe we should do something to be sure we're right for each other before we move away together," I spoke slowly, trying to keep my emotions and guilt at bay.
Her eyes had now become very glassy and her bottom lip quivered, prompting another wave of guilt and sadness to sweep over me.
"But, why? Do you not love me anymore? Where is this coming from?" She creaked, trying to hold back an avalanche of tears.
"Of course, it's, just me. I'm worried and I think we need to be sure, that's all." I couldn't even look at her.
"But Matt, I am sure. I've loved you since the day I met you, there's no one else in this world I'd rather be with." Her voice was higher than usual and unsteady.
"But how can you know? We're so young. There's so much we haven't done. Aren't you worried that you're missing out on things that could..," I trailed off, not really knowing how to dance around the somewhat embarrassing truth of my uncertainty.
"I believe in fate Matt. I believe that God will lead us to our soul mate if we follow Him. I am sure you are that person and I'm not worried about missing anything. You make me happier than I have ever been. When I'm with you I feel like I'm whole, like I have everything I could ever need. I would do anything for you." Her eyes were trying to search my face for answers but I was staring at her baby blue blanket, unable to meet her gaze.
Her last words, however, had stuck out. Against my better judgment I followed my curiosity.
"You would do anything for me?" I asked intrigued but also aware of the warning bells going off in my head.
"Of course sweety, I love you more than anything." Her words were true and loyal.
This conversation had veered in a direction that I could never have anticipated. I wanted to come clean. To be honest and let her in on my fantasies. At the same time I was scared of being judged, and the image of her looking at me with disgust flashed in my mind, shaking my resolve considerably.
"I don't really know how to explain it. I don't know where it came from. I'm worried that you're going to hate me, I don't think I should say anymore." I fumbled shamefully.
"Why? How could it be so bad? If it's something that would make you happy, I want to know. I know you'd do the same for me. Wouldn't you?" She asked, unaware of how silly and frankly insulting it was going to sound to ask my angelic, straight-A girlfriend to pretend to be 'bad' just to satisfy a fantasy that I didn't truly understand myself.
I sighed heavily, trying to get the feeling of someone standing on my chest to subside and also stop my hands from shaking so visibly. This was going to happen, I had come too far and she was not going to let it go.
"What if I wanted you to change a little, or pretend to change," I asked, trying to creep towards the truth and see how she'd react to each step before continuing on.
"Change? Like how?" She inquired.
