The next morning at work I was not functioning correctly. I had managed to sleep for about an hour before my alarm went off. I considered calling out sick, but I was worried that someone would think I was faking it and I didn't want to deal with accusatory stares from the bosses or my co-workers.
I worked as a paper shredder at a loan company. What I did all day was put documents in a shredder and then double check to make sure that they had, in fact, been shredded. It wasn't a very exciting job, but it paid exceptionally well so I was happy to have it.
Jimmy was a very important man at work. He was one of the people who actually talked on the phone to people about loans. It was a job I knew I couldn't do, because I was afraid to talk to people on the phone, so I respected him for being able to do it.
"Hi Jimmy," I said when he brought me some documents that needed to be shredded.
"You look like hell," he told me. "Are you feeling okay?"
"I think I might have a stomach bug. Thanks for agreeing to have a drink with Erica. She really needed to get out and I like to make sure I get at least eight hours of sleep every night."
"Oh, yeah, sure," he said. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Yeah, I slept like a baby. I like to sleep."
"Look, can you do me a big favor?"
"Sure."
"I think I offended Erica last night, you know, when we were having that drink. Can you tell her I'm really sorry?"
"Okay. I'll tell her."
"You're not going to ask me what I did to offend her?"
"That's between you and her. It's none of my business."
"Well, I figured, since she's your girlfriend and everything you might be curious."
"I'll tell her you're really sorry. Maybe you should come over for dinner sometime. You could apologize in person. You're my best friend and I'd hate for the two of you to not get along."
"Well, I'm not sure she'd want me over for dinner, but if you want me to and she's cool with it, then sure."
"Just remember though, if it is a work night, I am in bed by nine and asleep by ten."
"Yeah, I'll remember," Jimmy chuckled.
Even though Jimmy and I were best friends, his friend Ray, who worked in collections, didn't like me at all. He called me names like "nebbish" and "wussy." He once tripped me in the employee cafeteria when I was walking with my milk and then made me apologize for getting milk on his shoes.
Just before my lunch break Ray brought me some documents that needed to be shredded. I put them on the stack I was getting ready to shred, but he picked them up off the stack and pushed them in my face. I just looked at him without taking the documents. I was taking a break to drink a juice box when he stopped by.
"I need these shredded immediately," he said, sounding angry and annoyed.
"I'll make it my first order of business after I finish my juice box," I told him.
"Look, doofus, those documents need to be shredded immediately and I need to see you actually shred them so that I can confirm they were shredded."
"Are you saying you can't wait until I finish my juice box? There isn't all that much juice in here. It is a very small amount of juice and I will be finished drinking it very soon. I'd probably already be finished if you hadn't interrupted me."
"What kind of grown man drinks a juice box? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"I like the way it tastes and the fun packaging."
"No wonder your girlfriend fucks other guys," he snapped. "Put down your fucking juice box and shred my goddamned documents."
I ignored the first comment as I drank the last of the juice box, making sure I made a loud slurping sound to indicate I had hit the bottom of the juice box and had finished the juice. I was enjoying my newfound assertiveness and defiance. No one was ever again going to make me shred documents before I finished my juice box.
I took the documents from him and very slowly put each page through the shredder individually. He glared at me, seething with anger, unable to handle my newfound confidence.
"You realize your girlfriend fucked your buddy Jimmy last night, don't you?" he said in such a way that I knew he was now trying to do anything to upset me and cause me to regret having stood up to him.
"I'll be done with your documents in just a few minutes, Ray," I replied, refusing to acknowledge what he had said. "To make very certain these important documents are correctly destroyed I must put each page through the shredder individually."
"You are a fucking nutcase."
"We used to shred documents in small stacks, but by that method there is no way to be certain that each document has been properly shredded. It may take longer by this method, that is to say shredding one page at a time, but it is far more effective and you can rest easier knowing that your documents have been properly shredded," I told him as I continued to feed each page individually into the shredder.
"How is this a job, anyway?" Ray demanded to know.
"It is a very important job," I told him. "We deal with a great deal of sensitive information regarding loans and so forth."
"Yeah, no shit, but why the fuck can't people just shred their own documents when they need to? Why do we have a dipshit like you doing it for us? I don't get it."
"Ask yourself this, why do we have an asshole like you doing collections for us? Why can't people just pay their loans by the terms originally agreed to when the loan was made?"
"Go fuck yourself."