'Number One Ladies Detective Agency' -- so it actually exists,
mused Tracy as she read the brass plaque on the door.
Wasn't there a TV programme or somefink? Oh, what the fuck...
She rang the doorbell. It was answered by a strikingly attractive black woman -- older than Tracy by a few years perhaps, but slender, glamorous, and with large breasts straining at the jacket of her rather fine red skirt suit. "Tracy? Come in. I'm Billy Webb," said the woman with a broad smile, as she proffered her hand.
Tracy went into full job-interview mode, instantaneously pushing all cynicism, doubt and nerves to the back of her mind, and smiling just as broadly as she shook the woman's hand. "Very nice to meet you, Ms Webb," she said, putting on the poshest accent she could.
"Please call me Billy. And do come and sit down. Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee?"
"Oh, just a glass of
water
, please" answered Tracy, taking care to pronounce the "t" in "water" correctly -- like Charlie always did. Billy's office was a large room, with all the normal paraphernalia -- a couple of large desks, some filing cabinets, and a seating area with a leather three-piece suite arranged around a large coffee table -- on which, intriguingly, sat a large, but apparently clean and unused, glass ashtray. Tracy sat on the edge of the sofa, opposite Billy's armchair. The next fifteen minutes or so passed thoroughly pleasantly. Billy went through Tracy's
CV
with her, asking her gentle questions about her educational background and professional experience: educated at a comprehensive school and a middle-of-the-road polytechnic, with experience as a receptionist, secretary and personal assistant in various small companies. Tracy kept smiling broadly, doing her best to appear enthusiastic about anything and everything her interviewer brought up, and to pronounce all her consonants correctly. Billy also told her a bit about her company: a one-woman private investigative operation, dealing mainly with run-of-the-mill divorce cases requiring a bit of subtle surveillance "to check whether the man's sleeping around, or has a second family somewhere, you know the sort of thing." Tracy laughed nervously.
"Don't you worry about any of that, though, Tracy," said Billy reassuringly. "I do all the field work, so to speak. I would just need you to man the office, deal with phone calls, do the filing and the bookkeeping and other admin work. My previous assistant had to leave suddenly last month, and I have been having trouble finding someone to fill her shoes. No one I have so far interviewed has been entirely... suitable."
Tracy looked quizzical. "Oh? What has been the problem?" (She was very careful to say "what has" rather than "wot's".)
Billy stood up suddenly. "Tracy, I have a question to ask you, for which I require an absolutely honest answer...
Do you smoke?
"
Tracy's mind went into startled overdrive.
Oh fuck
-- she thought to herself --
she can smell the smoke on me. And she knows if I'm a smoker I'm always going to stink, and skive off for cigarette breaks and all that shit. I'm fuckin' done for before I've even been given a chance. If only I'd just stayed off the fuckin' cigarettes for one morning, I'd then at least have had a foot in the door.
All this passed through Tracy's mind in a split second, but what came out of her mouth was not much more edifying: "Oh... oh... just a little, I mean, every now and then -- you know, socially. But really hardly at all. And I'm planning to stop, really soon. My boyfriend and I are planning to get married, you know," she lied, "and if we start a family I'll definitely be stopping! It wouldn't get in the way of work at all, I promise..."
Billy stayed standing, and looked down at Tracy with an inscrutable expression: Tracy couldn't tell if it was amusement, pity or contempt -- until Billy said, very slowly: "Tracy, you're a filthy liar."
In an instant, a wave of shock and humiliation came over Tracy. Her heart pounded, and she felt the moisture begin to well up behind her eyes. "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I should have known you could smell the smoke on me. Please, ma'am, please give me another chance. I need this job so bad, and I'm a really good worker. I promise it won't get in the way of my work at all..." (Tracy pronounced the last two words "a' aw'" -- under the stress, she could feel her accent slipping again.)
"Tracy, tell me why you left your last job, with FCK Logistics."
Oh fuck
-- thought Tracy again to herself --
now what do I say? 'I was fired for smokin' on the job, whilst jerkin' off in the ladies' toilets'? I am really gonna say that?
Unwisely however, Tracy lied again: "Oh, the hours weren't really suitable for me. I wanted to spend more time with my boyfriend, and he works shifts, so I wanted a job which wouldn't take me away at weekends so much, and..."
Tracy's monologue dried up under Billy's withering gaze.
Oh shit
-- she thought --
I'm telling so many fuckin' lies I won't know what I've said. I have totally fucked this up...