A Roommate Unlike Any Other Vol 2
Chapter 3 Existing As Roommates Post Discovery
In the weeks that followed, I was somehow able to carry on with Hannah as though nothing had changed between us. I did my best not to reveal the strain of guilt that blanketed my soul. Listening to their nightly fuck sessions was now a guilt free event and I looked forward with great anticipation, every time I heard Jake being hustled into Hannah's room. Shamelessly, I masturbated along to their loud sexcapades and had begun to see myself as an uninvited participant in their affairs.
It was all of the other times around the apartment I found so difficult. Every time I saw Hannah, I either pictured her fucking Jake or worse, one of her partners in all of the many videos I had discovered. It was one thing that she chose to let me listen to her get railed by her boyfriend almost nightly; it was all together another that I had snooped through her private diary.
I'd begun to live under weakly founded rationalizations to assuage my own guilt. I mean, 'if she didn't know and I never let anyone else know...then where was the harm...,' followed by the equally lame argument that, 'if they were going to be so loud and public about their almost nightly sex marathons, how could it be any worse by watching something that I had only accidentally discovered.....?'
My bullshit rationalizations were unconvincing even to me, but it helped me to get through the face to face meetings without revealing the many new emotions constantly pricking at my conscience. At best, they helped to whitewash my emotions even as the guilt remained. None of my self-told lies could soften the fact that I should never have looked in the first place. More to the point, after my initial discovery, I most certainly should not have continued to re-watch those incredibly erotic videos every chance I got.
The real truth was that Hannah's personal collection of videos were just too exciting not to watch. Since that very first day, it felt like my hormone levels had become supercharged and unable to quell. A strong new addiction had formed within. I tried out a new justification, rationalizing that since 'I'd already seen them, no harm could come from simply watching them again -- the damage had already been done.' I said these things to myself, not believing them anymore than anyone else would. But it wasn't just a desire to watch again, if I'm being honest. Equally at play, was the almost crippling anticipation of finding new, additional videos. Thus, I found myself checking daily and especially following the nights I had rubbed myself to sleep listening to their mad sexfest.
If Hannah had any clue that I had discovered her personal sex videos, there was certainly no indication of it. Our roomie relationship carried on and continued to grow as did my familiarity and comfort with her and with Jake. Curiously, Jake did not appear in any of the videos. Of the wide stable of Hannah's partners, he was the only one I had ever met or heard in the act. I found this odd given Hannah's obvious video fetish. I also found it disappointing.
After so many hours of listening to Jake and Hannah fucking and not finding him among the video collections, only served to drive my interest in him all the more so. Whenever we were together, I found myself undressing him with my eyes. I couldn't help imagining him fucking my roommate or jacking off at her direction as she had done with every other man I knew her to have been with. Though I'd not yet seen him naked, in my mind, I had been able to conjure up what I was confident was a pretty accurate rendering right down to the smallest --er biggest detail. Of course, it became far easier to imagine with every instance he emerged from the shower covered in nothing more than a short towel.
It was a Saturday morning in mid-March that I woke up to a call from Hannah. In a most excited voice, she announced that she'd received a big promotion along with a massive bonus at work. She was calling to tell me that she'd be spending the weekend at Jake's but that when she got back Sunday night, she was hoping we could spend a night in together. I told Hannah how happy I was for her and looked forward to a night with my roomie, likely over several bottles of wine. I was genuinely excited to have one of our girls' nights, just the two of us. Secretly, I also looked forward to an almost entire weekend to myself to re-watch the many videos of Hannah and her lovers!
After getting myself ready for the day, I was off to complete all of the errands I had planned for the weekend. I returned home early Saturday afternoon and went straight to my room, stripping completely bare. Without fear of Hannah or Jake intruding, I was free to roam the house naked and free to do as I liked. Immediately, I went to Hannah's room and turned on her computer. As I reached for the Kleenex box I was shocked to see that it was no longer in the usual place. In fact, I noticed that it was in the garbage. At first, I assumed it had just been knocked off the desk but as I retrieved the makeshift 'porn safe', my heart sunk to discover that it was completely empty.
I sat back in the comfy chair feeling a dark sense of unease. Where had the videos gone and why? Had she learned of my intrusion? Was she somehow aware of my daily masturbation sessions using her sex material as my own? Surely if she had found out about my sneaky behavior, she would have said something. It seemed doubtful that she simply tired of the content and just threw it out. Far too much time had been spent directing and collecting such exciting material for Hannah to destroy it. No, there had to be another explanation and I couldn't help thinking it had something to do with me.
There I sat naked in Hannah's chair, my mind awash with dreadful possibilities. Wrapping myself in a blanket made clear that the comfort and ease with which I had come to enjoy in my roommate's space, no longer existed. I imagined the most horrible and uncomfortable outcomes. I felt that I was about to spend an entire weekend fulminating over the coming storm. The awkward confrontation; The loss of trust; A gentle but firm demand that it would be best for both of us if I move out as soon as possible. The loss of a good new friend...
So befuddled was my mind with guilt and confusion over what had brought about the disappearance of the thumb drives, that I sat for twenty minutes just staring at the walls. It was that feeling when you are sure that you are in so much trouble that you can't focus on a single thought. As the time passed, I was sure I had led myself to that kind of trouble and nothing I could do would make that feeling go away.
A sudden noise from outside momentarily pulled me from my fog. While looking out the window I happened to glance at the right hand corner of Hannah's computer screen. I hadn't paid attention to anything else after seeing the Kleenex box in the garbage. I had already turned on her computer but hadn't done anything with it. Most importantly, I had failed to notice the two new folders that hadn't been there yesterday.