One more bite.
I stare at the cake on the table in front of me. I'm so full — I'd already passed the 20,000-calorie mark for the day before I started dessert, and now I'm wondering if a three-layer chocolate cake with a quart of cream to wash it down was such a good idea. My stomach is so heavy and bloated; it's pressing against the table so much that I can't even see my thighs underneath it. I wonder if maybe I've reached my limit today.
One more bite. One more sip.
Ali is going to weigh me tomorrow, and I don't want to disappoint her. I want her jaw to drop when she sees all the excess blubber I've put on since our last weigh-in. I take a bite of cake and wash it down with a big sip of cream, feeling both settling in my stomach as my gut seems to push out even further. I want — I need — to eat every last bite. For her and for me.
I slide the last bit of cake between my chocolate-smeared lips and sit back, full beyond comprehension and exhausted. I never knew I had such a capacity for gluttony — that is, until I met her.
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When we first met, I was quite a bit smaller than I am now. When I got into feedism, I was 180 pounds; a few months later, having been with a few female feeders and gained on my own, I'd gained 30 pounds and crossed the 200-pound threshold. I was proud of my 210-pound body, and I'd grown accustomed to being praised for my gluttony, to feeders marveling over all my fat.
And then I met Ali.
We'd chatted on a feedism site; she was in my area, and though I'd expressed a desire to meet up, she always seemed to have a conflicting schedule. Part of me wondered if she really wasn't that into me, but based on everything else she said and did, it didn't seem likely that she was just stringing me along. From the beginning, I could tell Ali was different from the female feeders I'd been with before. Sure, they'd praise me for my belly or ooh and aah when I outgrew a shirt or something, but it often felt like I was just a prop: my gains were proof of the control they had over me, and that sense of control excited them far more than extra fat on my frame. Not so with Ali.
Ali had a confidence about her body and her beauty that came from a lifetime of knowing that she was, without a doubt, the most beautiful woman in any room she entered. Usually this kind of unwavering self-assuredness is reserved for the handful of genetic lottery winners who meet our rigid and outdated societal standards of beauty: blond-haired, blue-eyed, perpetually tanned women; 5'9", 130 pounds, 36-24-36, and so on. Yet there was Ali: 5'4, at least 250 pounds, and not a molecule of self-doubt. She was unique: she never struggled with her weight, didn't have to "learn to love" her size. There was nothing more beautiful to her than pounds and pounds of soft, heavy flesh, filled with layer upon layer of adipose tissue, swelling and jiggling and rippling. That was the human body at its finest. She'd always felt that way.
Ali wanted me to experience the same hedonistic pleasures she had enjoyed her whole life. She wanted me to be able to feel the unbridled joy of discovering new layers of soft fat, signposts on the journey to the perfect body. Ali didn't want me to gain weight to fulfill her desire for control; gaining was its own wonderful reward. But she was more than willing to exert control over me if that's what it took. Each time we talked, she asked for pictures of my progress, and I'd happily comply, expecting nothing but praise. But she expected more from me. I'd send her a picture of my swollen belly after stuffing myself, and she almost always seemed unimpressed; disappointed, even. Spurred by her encouragement, I'd find a way to pack in more food. I wanted to please her. She had an uncanny knack for nudging me to my limits without pushing me past them.
One day, she sent me a message asking what I weighed and how much I'd gained. I dutifully hopped on the scale and was shocked to see the result: I'd put on 15 pounds since we'd started chatting. I let her know I was at 225, expecting her to finally offer me the praise I wanted, but she was silent. I sent a few more messages, but got no response. And then, a few days later, she texted again.
"What are you doing this weekend?"