Chapter 1 - The Discovery Of Feet
I stare at my reflection in the mirror, and see the wear and tear of a life spiralling out of control.
Long working days are the norm, when you're a chef. The steely, determined expression I'm currently wearing like a mask is one I've practiced for a long time, practically a requirement when you're a woman trying to carve a path in such a male-dominated industry.
But some of the lines on my face are new. Stress is getting to me. As is the sorrow, awkwardness, and heartbreak that comes with the slow end of a relationship.
With a sigh, I lift my hands to undo my bun, letting my long, brown, wavy hair fall loosely down to my shoulders. This is one side at work that no one ever gets to see. My bun is always up, much like my defenses. Letting go of it is the non-verbal cue to my psyche that the work day is over, that I'm home.
It's like a transformation happens before my eyes. Gone are the harsh features of the "kitchen lesbian", as my colleagues like to call me. I instantly look more feminine, softer, and more vulnerable. For the rest of the evening, I'll simply be Nicole, the girl who's nursing a terrible heartbreak, and leaning hard on the totalising work schedule to get a measure of distraction from the smoldering wreck that is my personal life.
Normally, I'd slip into my PJs, get comfortable, and wait for sleep to claim me. But not this time.
When I leave the bathroom, I can hear blood pumping into my ears.
Chris is on the sofa, and doesn't even deign to look at me, lost as she is in some conversation or other on her phone.
Even now, this late into a relationship that's clearly going nowhere, I find myself checking her out. Her boyish, short and stylish haircut, the way her lithe legs sprawl on the sofa -- I think of all the times her petite body has been under mine, and I bite my lip to suppress a little shudder.
How can a flame that once burned so bright just... flicker and die?
Chris makes room for me on the sofa, without looking up from her phone.
I gulp, nervous. Back when we were shouting at one another, when she was calling me out on the fact that I started spending the evenings with colleagues more and more in order to avoid her, I would have done anything for the arguments to stop.
Now, I almost want them back. Even the dramatic arguments and ultimatums about what's not working are better than this... resignation. At least when you're angry at someone, you're paying attention to them. But this emptiness truly does feel like death.
The death of a relationship.
With a defeated sigh, I sit next to Chris, and brace myself for yet another evening of utter nothingness as we pretend to watch Netflix. In truth, it is just background noise, static. Something, anything to fill the awkward void where our conversations used to be.
We've become better at avoiding each other, so in truth, even these occurrences have become rarer. Even when Chris snuggles close to me, it's an empty gesture, and we both know it. It's familiar, and the warmth of another person next to you is always nice, but the awkwardness is there, and the old feelings are not.
Chris begins to fidget, looking for a comfortable position on the sofa. Eventually, she changes angle completely, placing her back against the armrest, and her feet land in my lap.
There are three parts to this dreadful evening routine, and they are the same every time we have a free evening. Glance at the TV. Look at my phone. Peek at Chris from the corner of my eye. Repeat, over and over and over, until it's time to go to bed.
Always the same, always unchanged, always a slow and silent agony, the shell of what a relationship is supposed to be like.
But not now. Because now there is a fourth stopping point for my eyes to land on, as part of their circuit.
Chris' feet are in my lap.
And they're... cute?
I narrow my eyes in puzzlement. I've never, like, noticed feet before. Feet are just something people have, nothing really worth commenting about, unless they stink. If they don't -- and Chris' feet definitely don't -- then, what's there to comment about? Would you say that someone has pretty shoulders? Haha, no way.
And yet... they kinda are pretty. Very petite, with a slender ankle, a cute round heel, sinuous lines for the arch and the ball. Even the toes look cute, all perfectly proportioned with one another and neatly aligned.
Have I just... licked my lips? Weird. I have this unfathomable impulse to reach out with my hand, to touch them, maybe rub them. The skin looks silky smooth, a bit like her legs, but not entirely in the same way. Damn, am I fantasizing about the texture of her feet?
Maybe I am. Particularly between the ankle and the arch, the skin looks so downright kissable...
Ok, Nicole, that's enough for now. I resume my routine. Netflix. Phone. Chris. Feet. Netflix again, and so on... except that each pause on the feet in my lap lasts a little longer.
Chris fidgets in my peripheral vision. Has she noticed me noticing?
Her toes begin to wiggle, and that instantly draws my eyes like a magnet. Chris lets out an incredulous snort that makes me blush deeply -- I've been caught, and I feel so dumb for it. I pry my gaze away, pretending to focus on the TV.
But that doesn't cut it with Chris. She must be as taken aback by this from me as I am. There's been nothing between us for so long, and now, all of a sudden, there's this electricity, this... tension... she has my undivided attention, and confirms it by wiggling her toes again, and once more drawing my gaze to them.
"Like what you see, Nicky?"
Damn, I haven't heard that tone of voice in a long time. She sounds baffled, confused, but also excited, pleased with herself, and ultimately... amused.