Weekend, Part 2 - Thursday
I woke up late the next morning, and slowly. I was feeling so relaxed. I had put myself to sleep by letting the erotic scenes play through my head while my fingers played somewhere else.
Other memories were not so pleasant. Fear of my sister intruded on my relaxation. Shame and embarrassment were also represented. Michelle would never forgive me for what I'd done. I had seen her, spied on her in an extremely private moment. I knew secrets about her now, dark, devastating secrets. My sister was going to be very angry with me. Michelle, who was cold and rude and nasty at her friendliest was going to be furious.
I got up reluctantly. Michelle had not waked me up. I put on the clothes from last night and as bravely as I could, I came out into the next room.
Michelle was in the kitchen. I could feel her eyes on me, but I couldn't look her in the face yet. I had seen every secret of my sister's body. I had seen her used over and over again, but somehow, I was the one who felt violated and full of shame. I quickly grabbed up some fresh clothes and went into the bathroom to shower and change.
Under the hot water, I tried to adjust to all that had happened.
My sexuality had long been repressed by my parents and their fierce rules. I had been forced to hide my emerging sexual nature and erotic feelings. Now my sister and her roommates had forced me to confront those feelings and experience them with an intensity I'd never imagined. It wasn't fair. I was almost a virgin and they were perverting me. I'd gotten turned on watching naked girls. I wasn't supposed to like that. The few bits of filtered sexual culture that had seeped through my strict conservative background were very firm on that point.
I tried to be angry with Michelle. She was a prostitute, a hooker, a whore. I hadn't yet come to terms with that yet, but somehow it seemed to justify her activities of the night before. As a prostitute, she had a right to be as perverted as she liked. She did not have the right to drag me into depravity with her. The justification didn't work, however. I couldn't legitimately blame Michelle. I was the one who had been snooping around. I had put myself in that position. Michelle had not wanted me there in the first place. I also had to accept that my sexual feelings were entirely my own. None of what had happened had revolted or disgusted me. Nobody had forced me to watch the things happening outside that closet. I could have stayed in the dark if I'd chosen. Instead, I'd glued my eye to that narrow crack and stared. I'd been fascinated and mesmerized. I'd been totally turned on. If I was a pervert, they didn't make me that way. They had only helped me to find out. I turned off the shower.
I got dressed and went back into the living room. Michelle looked up as I came out. I was able to look at her this time. The shame and guilt were gone and I'd even managed to deal with her profession. She wasn't who I thought she was, but I wasn't who I thought I was either.
I was ready to face Michelle's rage. I braced myself for my sister's powerful temper. In the past, she had reduced me to tears with just a disapproving look or gesture. Now, I felt up to facing her entire arsenal. She looked up at me, her face the expressionless mask I knew so well. A long moment passed. She licked her lips as she studied me. Briefly, I pictured where those lips had been last night and just exactly what she'd been licking at the time. That was gonna make it easier. I forced myself to relax.
Then the words came. "Your breakfast is on the counter," she said. She sounded amused.
My jaw literally dropped. Where were the threats and accusations? Where was the bitter sarcasm? I was expecting a lecture, words carefully chosen to sound mild, but just insulting enough to carry a very sharp edge. Instead, I got breakfast, with eggs and pancakes and tomato wedges, toast with butter and cinnamon, a tall glass of apple juice.
Michelle laughed at my expression and went back into her bedroom. At least the mocking humour was familiar. It sounded more like the Michelle I knew. It even sounded like the Michelle I used to know. Years ago, before she was a bitch, before she even turned wild, she used to laugh like that.
When we were kids, she was always leading us into new adventures and discoveries. She would insist I accompany her, but get impatient when I couldn't keep up or when the difference in our ages became prounounced. She taught me to ride a bike and laughed when I tipped over. She taught me to rolller blade and laughed when I fell down. But the laughter wasn't cruel back then and she was always quick to hug me when I cried. I missed my sister. I had missed her for years.
I cried as I ate the breakfast she'd fixed, but she didn't come to hug me this time. It wasn't me she was hugging anymore. Judging from the sounds behind her door, there was a lot more than hugging going on. My sister didn't need me anymore.
I needed to connect with Michelle again. I was absolutely determined to do it. First, I had to learn all I could about my sister's new life, but there was no way I could ask her directly. I didn't know her well enough anymore, but Emily did. Maybe Emily would help me. I would have to ask, but later. She was a little busy.
I finished my breakfast and washed the dishes, then plopped down on the sofa to wait. The movie I'd been watching the day before was still in the VCR. I started watching from where I left off, but it was like watching a completely different movie. Overnight, my perspective had changed so much, nothing seemed the same.
My casual, everyday cynicism and the chip on my shoulder were washed away, at least for a little while. I was ready to believe in things again. I was able to see not only the movie, but everything around me with a warmer appreciation. Then I fell asleep.
Emily woke me up. She was sitting on the sofa with me, stroking my hair.
"Wake up, honey," she said softly. "I need your help."
We had never in our lives spoken to each other, but it seemed perfectly natural that she would ask for my help. She had already done plenty for me.