A lot of people don't know the difference between a niqab and a burqa (and most acquainted with Muslim culture don't care either way). A niqab is just a face and head veil, usually worn with modest clothing. The burqa is a wide gown that starts from the top of the head and forms effectively a tent from there to the ground. The distinction is important for me as I wear a burqa not a niqab.
Also when I go out in public I am not wearing a stitch under my burqa.
Now I know that doesn't sound much, deep down we are all naked beneath our clothes, but the story of how I got there and what I did next goes a bit further than your average Muslim girl from a good home.
I was raised in London, in a house round the corner from our family's mosque. My dad always told me that I must wear the burqa while I was young, but the moment I turned eighteen he would respect my choice. Personally I couldn't wait to be rid of it, bundling layers of fabric over me to go outside, feeling ashamed of my own body, I hated the idea that this would be my life and was grateful my parents knew enough to know enforced religion was not authentic.
So throughout my youth I rebelled, wearing more Western clothes any time I could get away with it and when I first turned eighteen I felt a burst of freedom when I told my dad I would not be covered any more.
After then I would wear fairly modest clothes around my family, but whenever my college friends would invite me out for drinks I would pack the sluttiest outfit imaginable and change at their house before going out to flaunt my body.
The problem was I wasn't addicted to the feeling of being uncovered, I was addicted to the boundaries I had pushed.
I discovered this when I would wear the burqa to mosque even though I hadn't been wearing it during the day. I still wanted a connection with my community so I gave into peer pressure. The whole Khutbah all I could think of was all the people here that didn't know that last night I was out in London in a tight skimpy dress that was short enough to be a constant risk of exposing my thong. The thought of me as the slut among the pious got my mind racing and juices flowing even more than when I first stepped out of my friends house and felt the wind whip around my bare thighs.
I knew more than anything else I wanted to be exposed and have nobody know. The contradiction didn't make much sense but my mind was already swimming in the possibilities.
My initial plan was to use my Thursday evenings to go out with my friends from college, each time wearing skimpy and inappropriate outfits that would swim around my mind at Friday worship. But eventually there was a dead Thursday, nothing was happening and nobody wanted to go out so I was relegated to a quiet night in. I thought I could handle the frustration but the next morning as I looked at my plain black burqa I realised I couldn't bring myself to put it on, not without doing something drastic.
Usually under the burqa I wear a pair on sensible trousers and either a tank top or a jumper depending on the weather. As I thought about the day ahead of me, I decided instead on a lacy bra and a thong.
Although to anyone outside I looked like I was covered, the loose fabric highlighted my lack of underclothes every time it brushed against my naked skin, in the mirror I looked like a virtuous young lady, running my hands up and down my body I felt like a depraved whore. I never really planned on leaving the house this way but with the rush of pleasure each new step gave me I entered an erotic autopilot and didn't realise how far I had gone until my family and I approached the door to the mosque.
The effect was magnificent, I swam through my friends, talking to old family acquaintances and even the Imam, none of them aware I was being a little slut in plain sight. By the time I got home my tiny thong was drenched with my juices and I couldn't help but spend that night wrist deep in my own pussy.
It was a high no night out on the town could recreate, I had rediscovered religion amongst the religious, but my new god was depravity and they weren't even aware. I decided on something even more adventurous for the following week.
I spent the weekend sewing some subtle but rigid shoulder pads into my burqa. It didn't take long but the result was exactly what I was hoping for, when I pulled the burqa over my head, fed my arms through the sleeves and stood up straight, the fabric barely touched my body below the shoulder line. Without the fabric brushing against my skin I could lose myself in the fantasy of exposure. Even though it was midnight on a Sunday and I was saving it for Friday mosque, I immediately had to take my modifications for a test drive and I didn't see any reason to wear underwear.
My body was a sea of goosebumps as I opened my front door and looked out into the street. At first I started to put my shoes on, but then decided against it, thinking about how much better it would feel with bare feet on pavement, I stepped out of the front door, closing it behind me and shivering with joy and cold.
I hadn't planned where I was going to go and what I was going to do, I was just moving on instinct, navigating the world clothed for everyone but me. I began to walk towards the mosque, after all that was where I went if I was in my burqa. I quietly walked past two men having a conversation and it was everything I could do to keep myself from moaning with pleasure in the street. They didn't know it but I was streaking.