True Scotsman Pt 06A

EIGHT MONTHS AGO: JANUARY 1st.

Amy's phone rang. She picked it up, and then grinned broadly as she saw who was calling.

"Nuala!" she said, answering. "Happy New Year!"

Amy and Nuala had been at Glasgow University together, and had been close friends ever since, despite Nuala moving to Warwick Uni down in England.

"Have to go where the research grants are," Nuala had said at the time.

"You're dead to me," Amy had replied, while grinning in delight at her friend's successes.

Nuala was a full-on

belle damme sans merci

, a semi-fey force of nature that would have had the pre-Raphaelites reaching for their brushes. Or "

Irish

", as it was more commonly phrased.

"And a happy new year to you," Nuala replied. "Did yeh have a good New Year's Eve?"

Amy lay back on the sofa in a casual sprawl, and arched an eyebrow. "Ach, you've gone native on me," she accused.

Nuala laughed. "I'm sorry. Did yeh have a good

Hogmanay

?"

"That's better," Amy approved. "Aye, we did."

"Did yeh do the street party?" Edinburgh's Hogmanay street party was a legendary affair, attracting immense crowds every year.

"God, no -- as if Weegies would go to

Edinburgh

for Hogmanay! Local pub, then back here for Jools before having a wee party of our own, if you know what I mean."

"Ah, us too," Nuala said. "They had some do on in the town, but once yeh've done Hogmanay in Glasgow, Coventry doesn't really stand much of a chance, right?"

Amy pulled a cushion close and snuggled in for a long chat with her bestie. "So how was your Christmas?"

"Aye, it was grand," Nuala said. "We were staying with Eoin's family, and they always have a good Christmas. Cosy, without the drama."

"Sounds lovely."

"Oh, it was. We went caroling!"

Amy almost sat up in surprise. "You didn't!"

"We did! It's a family tradition on Christmas Eve. Eoin's folks live in this thatched cottage in a tiny village in the wilds outside Limerick. It already looks like a postcard, but with the lights and the frost, oh, god, Amy, it was magical. We had lanterns with candles in them, on poles. We had hot buttered rum and sang

Good King Wenceslas

and

O Come All Ye Faithful

and a dozen more. Eoin proposed. We had mulled wine when we got back to the cottage, and then in the morning there was this whole thing about hot buttered crumpets for breakfast, toasted over the log fire."

It took Amy's brain a few seconds to catch up with what Nuala had just said, and then it was kind of wheel-spinning for a moment before she could respond. "

What did you just say

?"

"Crumpets! For Breakfast," Nuala said. "Oh, they were lovely. Hot and buttery and--"

"

Nuala! Did you get engaged?

"

".....Maybe." Amy could

hear

Nuala's huge, delighted grin down the line.

Amy squealed in delight. "Oh my god! That's so fantastic! Tell me

everything

."

Nuala giggled girlishly -- the only time Amy had

ever

heard her friend be girly. "Eoin said that he'd been planning it for months," Nuala gushed. "He was going to do it between Boxing Day and New Year, so that it didn't spoil Christmas if I said 'no'--"

"Nuala, honestly, I love Eoin to bits, but does he have sawdust between his ears? Like you'd ever turn him down!"

"I know! It's adorable, isn't it?"

"It really is," Amy said, grinning. "You two are so perfect together, it's unbearable. Honestly, I'm disgusted."

"Noted."

"Do go on. Details! I need details."

Nuala filled her in; apparently Nuala's boyfriend had found the festive scene too enchanting, and had led Nuala down a secluded side-street under the pretence of showing her the location of childhood memories, only to get down on one knee in the halo of light from a phone box that had stood there for at least a century. They'd decided to keep it to themselves for the holiday, only for Eoin's parents take one look at their faces and immediately burst into applause.

"So, what about your Christmas?" Nuala asked, after they'd spent a further twenty minutes dissecting and reliving the proposal.

"Well," Amy said. "It got off to a weird start." Amy told her about the award ceremony Jamie had had to attend on behalf of his company, last month, and Jamie's formal dress.

"Ah, Jaysis," Nuala said. "I'm sorry I missed that. Jamie's a fair lad to be sure, but in a

kilt

? Rawr!" Nuala had never been shy about having a thing for Amy's Jamie; they shared everything, after all, and Amy knew that Nuala would never overstep that boundary.

"You are not alone in that opinion." Amy described Jamie's narrow escape from a bunch of handsy drunk tarts from the company Christmas party in an adjacent function room at the same hotel.

Nuala found it hilarious. "Ah, yeh can hardly blame them, can yeh? I can barely keep me hands off yer husband at the best of times. Don't leave me alone with him in a kilt if I've had a few, is all I'm saying."

"Duly noted", Amy echoed.

"So what did yeh do, when he told yeh?"

Amy arched an eyebrow. "What would

you

have done, in my place?"

Nuala gave a throaty laugh. "If it was my Eoin, I'd have probably have ripped his clothes off and banged him right then and there, like."

"Bingo!"

"Whoo! You go, girl!"

"Well, I did give him time to get the kilt back on first."

"Once more, I say with feeling: rawr!"

Amy laughed.

"Ah, Jaysis...." Nuala said, thoughtfully.

"What?"

"I'm wondering if I can get Eoin into a kilt for the wedding."

***

SEVEN MONTHS AGO: FEBRUARY.

"We have a date!" Nuala said to Amy down the phone. "Come September, I will be an honest woman."

"Shame," Amy said. "Any news on when you're getting married?"

'Hush, yeh Jezebel!" Nuala told her.

"Speaking of Jezebels," Amy asked, "got any news about the hen night yet?"

"Working on it," Nuala said. "I'm thinking September as well. Not sure where, yet, though. Know any places where a shameless hussy can celebrate her last gasp of freedom before submitting to never-ending domestic servitude?"

"Sorry," Amy told her. "Already succumbed to the crushing weight of the patriarchy, over here."

"Ah, well, never mind," Nuala said. "I'll ask me sister. She's a tart."

Amy laughed. They spent some time chatting, mainly about the plans for the wedding.

"Speaking of which,

is

Eoin getting a kilt?" Amy asked.

"Oh, Lord!" Nuala laughed. "Aye, I wish! No, his family are quite traditional. Although...."

"What?"

"I probably shouldn't be telling you this..."

"Oh come on!" Amy said. "If you say

that

, I know you're going to tell me. Out with it!"

"Well," Nuala admitted. "after yeh told me about Jamie's little adventure down in London, I've thought about it quite a bit. If I'm honest, I've ground out a couple just thinking about it."

"Oh, god, me too," Amy assured her.

"Yeh're entitled," Nuala said. "He's yer husband, after all!"

"No," Amy said. "I don't mean about Jamie in his kilt. I mean, him almost getting stripped out of it. The thought of those women getting all handsy with him, and poor old Jamie getting all bothered and running away with a caber between his legs-- Oh, yeah! I

like

that other women wanted to strip my husband. Does that make me a bad wife?" Amy asked her friend. "I'm a bad wife, aren't I?"

"If yeh're a bad wife, then I'm a terrible fiancé," Nuala assured her. "I've been wanking off over all of it -- Jamie getting groped, him having to jerk off a massive stiffy afterwards, and yeh fucking his brains out when he got home. It's

all

hot."

"It is," Amy agreed.

"Really, really hot," Nuala said.

"In fact...." Amy paused.

She could hear Nuala's ears pricking up in response. "Oh? Your turn to spill the beans now."

"You're going to laugh."

"I sincerely hope so, me girl. Out with it."

"We tried to do it again."

Nuala sounded baffled "What d'yeh mean?"

"Jamie had another trip a couple of weeks ago. I told him to go out into town in his kilt afterwards, and then tell me what happened so that I could get off over it."

Nuala gasped. "No! Yeh didn't!"

"I did," Amy promised her. "I really did."

Nuala was rapt. "Did he do it? What happened? I wanna know!"

Amy shifted the phone to her other ear, and put her face in her free hand. "It was a disaster. It was the middle of the week, pissing it down in this tiny little dead-end town near Birmingham Airport. Nothing happened, except that Jamie had to lug all his formal gear there and back again. I still made him jerk off for me when he was back at his hotel, though, so not a complete loss."

Nuala considered. "Well, meh. I suppose the Christmas spirits would have been flowing by the gallon first time--"

"--and now it's February," Amy finished. "Nothing ever happens in February. I should have known that."

"Yeh live and learn," Nuala said.

"Too right," Amy said. "Next time, we'll make sure it's a Friday!"

***

FOUR MONTHS AGO: MAY.

Amy was having a video call with Nuala. They were discussing bridesmaid dresses. Amy wasn't the Maid of Honour -- Nuala's sister had that job -- but she was still going to be a bridesmaid, just as Nuala had been one for Amy. And, thankfully, as both Nuala's family and Amy's shared Celtic heritage, the colour scheme was going to be flattering to all of them. They'd spent an hour (and half a bottle of wine each) talking about sleeve patterns and necklines, and were now looking at hemlines.

"I don't know," Nuala said, contemplating some of the possible options. "I think it's a lil' bit long, don't yeh? Yeh wanna to be elegant, aye, but yeh wanna to be able to dance, too. I think the hem needs to be lifted a bit."

Amy gave a laugh. "Speaking of lifting hems, I have an update for you on the Continuing Adventures of Jamie and His Amazing Kilt of Lust."

On the screen, Nuala grinned excitedly. "Oh aye? Tell me!"

Amy refilled her glass. "Well," she said, as she did. "As you know, February in the rain in the middle of the week in the middle of the arse-end of nowhere, not great." She took a sip."On the other hand, a Friday night on a pleasant April evening in

Newcastle

? Now

that

works." She pulled a face. "Well, once I steered the plonker away from old-man boozers and into clubs, anyway." Amy peppered Nuala with random details from that night. By the time Amy had finished recounting how the night had ended with Jamie blowing his wad in the ladies' toilets of a nightclub, Nuala was agog.

"Jesus Mary Mother o' God, Amy," Nuala said, open-mouthed, "I cannot

believe

what yeh've just told me. God, poor Eoin!"

Amy blinked. "Why poor

Eoin

?"

"I'm gonna be wearing me button off I'll be wanking so much this week, thinking about that. Me poor fella'll be wondering where it's gone."

Amy laughed. "I did pretty much the same thing while it was going on. Well," she furrowed her brow. "Mostly. And also afterwards." Nuala looked confused, so Amy clarified. "I told Jamie it was okay if I heard about it, but he can't really say, 'Excuse me, before you lift my kilt without asking, can I just say

no handjobs

? And do you mind telling my wife what you think about my willy while you're at it?', can he? It's over and done with before he knows about it."

Nuala waved this away. "Pfft!" she said. "He should wear a t-shirt with yeh number on it."

"What? Instead of 'For a good time, call Amy?', '

If

a good time, call Amy'?"

Nuala shrugged. "Yeah, something like that. Like footballers wear. But not advertising betting shops or airlines."

Amy rolled her eyes. "I may as well have him carry a sign. Although...."

Nuala looked at her. "What?"

Amy laughed to herself. "Sure," she said, quietly. "Why not? That'd work."

"A

sign

?"

Amy blinked. "No, not a sign.

Business cards

."

***

THREE MONTHS AGO: JUNE.

"Hi Amy," Nuala said as soon as she answered the call. "What's up?"

Amy was

vibrating

with excitement. "

Oh. My. God.

"

"What?"

"Oh. My. God," Amy said again. "I just

had

to call."

"Is everything okay?" Nuala sounded concerned. "Is there a problem with the wedding? Yeh can still be a bridesmaid, right?"

"Oh, everything's fine," Amy said. "Bridesmaid, check. I just

had

to call, otherwise I'd burst."

Now that Nuala knew her wedding wasn't affected, she was probably losing patience. "Oh, for god's sake, woman. Out with it."

"That business cards idea? It worked."

"I recognise each word," Nuala replied, slowly. "The sentences are grammatically correct. Yet I haven't the foggiest idea what yeh're blithering about, woman."

"Jamie. Business travel. Kilt.

Handing out business cards

."

"Oh. Wait.

Oh.

Right.

Now

I'm with you. They worked? Tell me?"

"

Manchester

," said Amy.

"Holy fuck. Manchester? That's like, mental."

"Fuck, yes. Last night. Jamie's on the train back, now. I had to call and tell you. I literally could not have waited any longer."

"Well? Don't keep me in suspense, yeh cruel woman!

Details

!"

Amy filled Nuala in on the night -- including sharing the selfies that some of the girls had taken. The selfies showed a group of attractive women posing with their faces level with Jamie's hips, with his kilt pulled up. Amy was basically sending Nuala dick-pics of her husband's cock. Nuala was not complaining. Not in the slightest.

"So, just want yeh wanted, right?"

Amy pulled a face. "Almost. Part of the point was to stop things going too far. I put rules on them, for heaven's sake!" She went on to describe how Jamie had been creatively violated by a horde of overly-inventive posh totty.

"Jaysis, Amy," Nuala said with feeling. "And yeh were

watching

this?"

"Yep. Video call."

"Christ. I'm flustered just

hearing

about it. I wouldn't have been able to keep me hand out've me drawers."

Amy gave a short laugh. "Who says I did?"

"Ha! Feck yeah, Amy!" Nuala whooped at her. "Have yeh.... Have yeh done anything like that? What they did? With the gloves?" There had been a certain amount of improvised bondage, much to Amy's surprise -- and arousal.

"Not yet," Amy said. "But I tell you what -- I'm

going

to. Soon as Jamie gets back. Poor boy's not going to know what hit him. Gotta run -- I need to hit

Claire's Accessories.

"

"Oh, wait, before yeh go," Nuala said. "Hen night: It'll be Brighton, in September. I'll email yeh the details."

***

ONE MONTH AGO: AUGUST.

"

Mistress

Amy?" Nuala asked.

"That's what she said," Amu confirmed; she'd been describing Jamie's experiences in Leeds the night before, and was at the "Mistress Charlotte" part of the tale.

"I'm putting that on yeh place card at the wedding banquet."

"Don't you dare!"

"What name should I put, for Jamie's place? Or will he be eating from a bowl on the floor, now?"

"Oh, behave, you!"

Nuala laughed. "Ah, it would probably make the card too long. Never mind. Carry on. What happened next?"

Amy told her.

Nuala was gobsmacked. "

Holy fuck

, Amy! I mean: Holy. Fuck."

"I know."

"And yeh

let

her do that to Jamie?"

"Was that terrible of me?" Amy asked. "I wasn't sure whether he'd want me to stop her or encourage her."

"How did he respond?"

"All over the floor."

Nuala laughed.

"And that's not all." Amy filled Nuala in on the rest.

"Jaysis!"

"I know, I know. So much for 'stopping things going too far', right?"

"So, what are yeh going to do?"

"I don't know," Amy admitted. "Putting rules in place just meant they got more creative. Even putting his willy in a metal cage didn't stop them from making him spurt. How was I supposed to know they'd have vibrators on them? Are

you

going to have vibrators with you, on

your

hen night?"

"Well, I feckin' am

now

," Nuala said with feeling.

"But no," Amy said. "I don't want to

stop

doing this, because it's a real turn-on, for both of us. But it does keep escalating, and I don't know how to avoid that."

"Does Jamie have any ideas?"

Amy rolled her eyes. "He suggested that I go with him."

"Wait, what?" Nuala said. "How would that even work?"

Amy's reply was exasperated. "Exactly!"

"Ah, bless. Like any girl's gonna go peeking up yer man's skirt when he's

clearly

with another woman."

Amy managed to sound even more disgusted. "His suggestion was that I go too, but not so that we're together."

Nuala's eyes were wide. "No! Really?"

"Yep. He imagined I'd be, I dunno, standing nearby, so that I could step in if needed."

Nuala gave a bark of laughter. "But that's even worse! Does he have

any idea

what it's like for a single woman in a bar?"

"Apparently, not a Scoobie."

"I mean," Nuala said, warming to her theme, "Fuck's sake, Amy -- you'd have single guys on you like flies. You'd never get a moment's peace."

Amy just held up her hands in an

I know right?

gesture.

"Ah Jaysis, Amy. I love him to bits, but it's a miracle he survived to adulthood."

"Men," Amy said witheringly. "Clueless eejits, the lot of them."

Nuala paused for a moment. She looked at Amy, then away, and then back again. Amy knew that look; it meant something was going to start with "what if...", and

shenanigans

would follow. There had been times when that Look had been the start of something that

so nearly

ended up in a jail cell.

"What?" Amy asked, cautiously.

"What if...." Nuala began. "What if yeh brought him with you?"

Amy looked blank. "When?"

"Brighton!" Nuala said. "The hen night!"

"

Dinnae

be daft, lass! I

cannae

bring me husband on a hen night, for fuck's sake?"

"Why not?"

"Because it's a

hen night

!" Amy said. "It would be, like, sacrilege. It would be inviting the wrath of the ancient goddesses of womanhood, or something like that."

"I don't see why not," Nuala said haughtily. "It's

my

hen night, after all. I can have a man if I want." Her eyes twinkled. "Especially if he's in a skirt."

Amy gesticulated wildly, "It'll be

all kinds

of awkward."

"Just because he's with us, he doesn't have to be

with us

." Nuala saw Amy's confused face and tried to explain. "He might be in the bar next door. Or same bar, different area. Close enough that you can get to him. Far enough away that he's not obviously with us."

"Hmm." Amy gave it some consideration. "That could work, I suppose. But are you

sure

? Do you

really

want to keep seeing my Jamie while you're on your hen night?"

"If he's in a kilt? Hell, yeah!"

"Be serious. You know what I mean."

"Look, Amy, it's fine. It'll work out, trust me."

"Well, okay then. As long as you're sure you're okay with it."

"Trust me!" Nuala looked pleased. And then she looked sly. "Although..."

"What?"

"Well," Nuala said. "Like yeh said -- it

is my

hen night..."

***

NOW: SEPTEMBER

Jamie also thought Nuala's suggestion was a bit weird, but he acquiesced when Amy assured him that he wouldn't be

with

Nuala's party -- just in the same city, at the same time.

The packing was both easier and more complex than usual. Easier, because Jamie now had a rhythm. He was used to overnight visits from all his work travel, and he also now had plenty of experience at packing everything for his kilt outfit. He didn't even bother including the kilt jacket, since he'd stopped wearing it for Amy-directed expeditions. And also more complex than usual, because Amy was coming as well, and Amy did

not

pack lightly. It also took her a while to settle on what she would pack, and wear, which surprised Jamie given that there was only one night out. Somehow, she managed to fill three-quarters-fill one of their larger wheelie cases. Once she was done, Jamie started piling his stuff on top.