"I'm Home!" Rashida called out as the heavy screen door slammed behind her audibly signaling her return from a local job interview with a new salon.
"You bring food?" I asked lazing about taking in an easy Saturday on my cousin Jaquan's couch as she walked up the short stairwell into the living room unslinging her satchel bag. Rashida Sikes was wearing a light canary yellow romper a bit loose in the legs intentionally trying to lessen her rather prominent assets.
"No!"
"You sound salty; I know I texted you, like thirty minutes ago, right?" I'd brought over a gaming pc that I'd worked up after watching a "how to" on social media.
I was playing a bootleg Streetfighter game of my own design. It had become a new side hobby of mine intended to be a new source of passive income. I already had online ads for my services while my website chugged along making a nice bit of change despite a bit of stagnancy on my part.
"So what, and you didn't clean up around here; ahm supposed to be your maid, huh fool?"
"No, you supposed to be my uber driver and get me some goddamn food baby."
Despite my words, I was laying on my favorite couch reclining with a bag of chips on my stomach. I was in full incel mode like some spoiled brat enjoying my game presently pummeling the snot out of a digital Peter Griffith with a custom Ryu of my own design as her sandaled feet appeared next to the couch.
"I'm gonna act like you didn't say that shit."
"Act like a delivery driver and bring me something to eat Rashida." I retorted making her scoff to the strains of "Ask of You" by Raphael Saadiq by way of my cousin Jaquan's sound system.
"Motherfucker."
"Get me a pizza puff and some barbecue steak fries; oh yeah, can you snag some praline ice cream too Rashida?"
"Oh you're serious with it, huh?"
I answered with a robust burp.
Before I could react, Rashida planted her massive donk dead center in my stomach nearly snapping me in two. My upper and lower halves reacted jackknifing upward stopped only by her dead weight. It was a moment of mirth as she chortled, then stopped abruptly sniffing.
"Hey bruh, you ain't even washed up this morning? You're hella musty nigga."
"I think you've got me mistaken with your upper lip, ma'am."
"No you didn't." Rashida lightly slapped the left side of my face before snatching the bag of chips helping herself to a few.
"Hey, if you're gonna keep sitting there, slide that big ass down over my junk baby." I was supremely unbothered.
"Wash your ass and I might consider it." She offered.
"Oh yeah, what if I told you to sit on my face?" Rashida raised an eyebrow.
"Serious?"
"Yeah after you get my pizza puff and steak fries." I chortled making her scoff loudly as she slapped the side of my thigh before standing up in a huff.
"You're tripping; and you really need to get up and wash your fucking ass. It seems like you been laying on that couch since you got here yesterday. I thought at least we'd shoot some content or something, but you're slacking man."
"You're still getting paid."
"I don't want those checks to thin out, and what happened to making me a star again?" Rashida walked over to the dining room table picking up a stack of mail taking my eyes with her.
Her sixty plus inches of certified donk looked amazing in that romper. Her massive heart shaped derriere was stretching the material tight across her monster making it look as if she forgot her underwear before going out this morning. She noticed me watching instinctively snapping her thong to let me know it was there.
"You really gonna lay there all day?"
"Are you gonna get my food, huh baby?"
"You really gonna let me sit on your face nigga?" I knew I'd piqued her interest as she thumbed through the stack of the mail.
"What did I tell you about that word?"
"Didn't I tell you to wash your ass; I ain't messing around with a stanky pooh butt who don't know how to wipe his crack, so you ain't talking about nothing anyway fool!"
"Oh really?"
"YEAH!" Rashida challenged walking ruefully into the kitchen where she scoffed even louder at the full sink of dishes. I heard my friend, sometimes lover open the fridge followed by the opening of a can of soda. I paused my game sitting up tossing the bag of chips on the hardwood floor without a care in the world.
I stretched hearing the audible cracking of my joints as she reappeared leaning against the door watching me alternately slurping loudly from her can of generic soda. We exchanged glances as she looked about the sloppy living space I'd occupied since visiting coerced over by my cousin Jaquan.
"Where your fool cousin?" She asked, brow furrowed.
"Took Daisy down to the splash pad at the park, and I think he's gonna drop her off later with the mother." It had become an unspoken rule in the house of not mentioning or naming a certain baby mama number two.
"You know it's not fair making me clean up behind you lazy niggas after I been out trying to get another job all morning."