The state slogan of Kansas is "as big as you think."
And somewhere, nestled neatly in between the countless corn rows and vast Great Plains, there are a lot of big surprises.
The year, 1985, brought President Ronald Reagan's second term, the movie, 'A Chorus Line,' and the hit song "And We Danced," by a group called The Hooters.
Meanwhile, two country boys, Dylan and Buck, always on the lookout for a nice set of "hooters," were enjoying their own heaving helping of teenage hijinks.
But on May 12, 1985, they got a little bit more than they bargained for.
They saw - and experienced - something that would change the course of their sexual lives.
***********
"Man, I just feel so guilty though," Buck said. "Ms. Kensington is so sweet."
"Of course she's really sweet, but it's not like we're doing anything against her," Dylan rationalized. "We're just...copying a test."
The plan seemed full-proof. Ms. Kensington, the boys' English teacher, lived next door to Dylan. He noticed the pretty brunette was always grading papers out on her patio deck during the afternoon.
Given that it was a beautiful week of weather in Silver Lake, the boys fully expected her to do the same that splendid day.
"We wait for her to go inside, I hop the fence, run up onto the deck, copy the answers to the test, and 'shazam!' I'm outta there," he explained with brevity.
Buck took a deep breath.
"And you said she's usually gone for..."
"Dude, at least an hour, hour and a half," Buck replied. "Once she goes inside, she gets her dog, takes him for a walk around the block; I think they go all the way down Parks Place and around the block. Then she comes back out and finishes her work on the deck. It's like clockwork."
"How many times have you watched her?" Buck said with a laugh.
"Uh, more than I'm proud of," Dylan admitted.
The two had both discussed - at great length - many times before how cute they thought Ms. Kensington was. But the matter at hand called for their focus and attention.
"Dude, I haven't read a thing this entire semester. If we don't get the test beforehand, there's no way I'm passing," Dylan said.
***********
The next day came.
Kindred spirits after all, the two young men both were sporting Quiet Riot t-shirts and jeans.
That had little bearing. All they cared about was what Ms. K was wearing.
There she was, out on the deck as planned. Dylan and Buck, watching from one of the upstairs bedrooms next door, waited to make their move.
Each was trying to hog the binoculars, checking out Ms. K in her afternoon attire, which consisted of a lightweight, white t-shirt and a pair of satin, pink running shorts. She was barefoot and casual.
Leaning back in her chair, presumably preparing a test - the same test that the boys were greatly interested in, she put her feet up on the table, pushing herself back and forth in her chair, her knees extended upward.
"Ms. K has some nice thighs," Buck felt almost compelled to say.
"Yeah, she does," Dylan confirmed, as though what Buck said was an understatement. "They're big, but nice..."
"That's what I mean," Buck answered, handing the binoculars back to his friend. "Thick, full-bodied. Nice and supple..."
The boys cracked up as they found so many ways to describe Ms. K's amazing thighs. But the time had come.
Their teacher retreated into the house, leaving her work out on the patio table. Dylan had convinced Buck to go with him. That way, they were in it together.
"Shouldn't we wait, to make sure she's taking her dog for a walk?" Buck asked hesitantly.
"Dude, it's like clockwork," Dylan confided in his friend.
***********
The test was nowhere to be found.
"Fuck," Dylan said in a short, desperate gasp.
"Dude, let's just go," Buck insisted. "It's not here..."
Dylan walked up to the sliding glass doors, peering inside.
"There are papers on the kitchen table," Dylan stated. "The test has gotta be there with them..."
He slid the door back.
"Dude, that's breaking and entering," Buck told him in a scared, now desperate tone.
"I'm only going right there," Dylan replied, pointing his finger to demonstrate. "Just gonna copy down the answers and I'm out..."
Buck, feeling a strange allegiance to his buddy, followed him in, albeit just a few steps to the kitchen table.
Now, Dylan got reckless. He couldn't find the test, so he went into the family room.
Buck had started to calm down, though, hopeful there was nobody home.
He glanced at a huge bookshelf, each shelf filled to the max.
There were a few books by Douglas Adams, John Irving, and one curious book entitled "Temple's BIGGEST Secrets" by Phyllis Dorshten. There was also a collection of short stories by Angela Carter.
"Man, we gotta go," Buck said, as Dylan rifled through a stack of papers with no success.
Then, suddenly, the boys heard something.
Footsteps.
From below.
They grew louder.
The boys were in a panic. The sliding glass doors - their exit - were too far away now. Instead, they jumped into the nearby closet. Luckily, there was plenty of room.
"I am going to fucking kill you," Buck whispered angrily to his friend. "What the hell are we gonna do?"
***********
The boys stared out into the family room, in between the small slits in the white, wooden closet doors.
They heard the clickety-clock of footsteps approaching, and the door to the basement swung open.
There was Ms. Kensington. She was most assuredly not taking her dog for a walk.
Instead, she was dressed rather...differently.
Dylan and Buck audibly gasped.
Ms. Kensington had on knee-high black boots and a sexy, sleek, one-piece black leotard. Her thighs and legs were bare.
"Holy shit, dude," Dylan whispered, almost a bit too loud.
Luckily, Ms. Kensington turned on the radio, indirectly drowning out any small sound created by the two brash 18-year-olds hiding in the closet.
Ms. K walked about the family room with authority, hands on her hips.
With her back to the boys, she lightly slapped her ass a few times, showing off, even though she thought she was alone.
"Ms. K has a big ass," Dylan whispered.
"Sssssssshhhhhhhhh," Buck pleaded, begging his friend to keep quiet.
Ms. K - and her big, sexy ass - sauntered closer to the basement door.
"Are you coming?" she shouted down the steps. "I'm not gonna wait here all day..."
The boys wondered who she was talking to, but they didn't have to wait for long to get the answer.
A man came up out of the basement, a big man. Roughly 240 pounds they guessed, well-built. And wearing only a speedo.
Ms. Kensington giggled.
"Glad to be out of your cage for a bit?" she asked him.
"Very glad, Goddess Darla. Thank you," he said in between hurried, hectic breaths.
"Goddess Darla?" Buck questioned aloud. Now it was him making a bit of noise.
"How do you like the underwear I bought you?" Ms. Kensington kidded her friend.
"Very tight-fitting," he answered.
She giggled.
"Dude," Dylan whispered to Buck, "tomorrow's test is gonna be on The Battle of the Bulge..."
Buck had to chuckle. The man's crotch bulge was obscene, to the point of hilarity.
Ms. K led him over to the middle of the family room, having him dance to Duran Duran's 'Wild Boys,' which now blared on the radio.
"What the fuck is happening?!" Dylan whispered to his buddy, the two unable to believe the situation they got themselves into.
"I am going to fucking kill you. That's all I have to say," Buck replied.
Ms. K cheered the man on and laughed, clapping at his wild, rhythmic movements. The song was soon over, and the station went to commercial.
Ms. K turned the radio back down and decided to get down to business.
"Alright, buster, take 'em off," she instructed.
The tight-fitting underwear was discarded, and out flopped a rather sizeable penis, the proportions of which impressed even the young men peering through the closet doors.
"Jeeeeeezus Christ, dude," Buck recoiled.
Dylan laughed at his friend's response.
"Come over to me, slave," Ms. K further instructed.
Dylan and Buck's eyes widened, their hearts racing.
The slave walked with frantic steps.
The calmest one in the room - or closet - seemed to be Ms. K, totally unfazed by the sudden onslaught of full-frontal male nudity.
She calmly walked over to the radio, put in a cassette tape, and soon the sounds of Olivia Newton John's 'Let's Get Physical,' sounded through the entire house.
"C'mon, time for your daily dose of exercise," Ms. K informed her slave, with tremendous enthusiasm.
Ms. K hopped about, jumping and high-fiving the air. Her rather large breasts bounced about, but supported by her bra and covered up by her leotard.
The slave had no such luxury.
Certain parts of his anatomy bounced up and down, right out in the open.
"There ya go," Ms. K cheered on. "Now you're getting into it..."
They danced for three, four, maybe five minutes, for the entirety of the 1981 classic.
"I can't even process what's happening right now," Buck said in a deadpan sort of tone.
When the song was over, Ms. K acted perfectly natural, as though they had simply finished a hard workout.
Both Dylan and Buck were gasping for air themselves. They stared at Ms. K's sexy thighs, so big and so supple, even lightly-tanned from the week's worth of spring sunshine.
Another song came onto the radio, and Ms. K and her slave returned to their workout.
This is where Dylan and Buck, God bless their hearts, almost lost it.
"C'mon, I wanna see ya swing those hips," Ms. K demanded of her slave.
He did so, sort of hesitantly at first. But Ms. K's persistent instruction made him get more into it in a heartbeat.
Making the slave swing his hips in affect caused something else to swing about, much to the delight of the authoritative woman in black.