The Pixie Heist
The notice shook in his hands.
He knew it was coming. Knew he deserved it, but seeing it was much worse. His heart cramped the moment he ripped it off the door.
"Eviction". Might as well say "Deadbeat fuck up." It wouldn't be so bad if they slipped it through the mail slot, but being broke was a crime punishable by humiliation. First the neighbors see the sheriff's scarlet letters. Next the neighborhood catches you begging tourists for spare change at the wharf.
He tossed it on the cheap hardwood floor next to the pregnancy test and a half bottle of flat champagne. He didn't need a cigarette. He wouldn't...
As he blew smoke from the third floor balcony the baby blue Camry chugged into the oil stained parking spot. The driver's door creaked and groaned until the petite green blond Kelsey crawled out and slammed it shut. She smoothed her blue pencil skirt, dusted the matching blazer and clomped her heels towards the lobby.
She unlocked apartment 3C as Jamie smoked a fresh Marlboro on the corner of the unmade hide-a-bed. She wanted to give him shit for the messy blankets, but figured it was the last thing he needed.
Her fingers met his crotch while she pouted in his hangdog face.
"Why so grumpy Mr Frumpy?"
Jamie chuckled.
"How did it go at Happy Wings?"
She scowled.
"Those fuckers don't hire convicts to wash their goddamn dishes. Said I should dance at the Purple Horseshoe."
She grabbed the cigarette from Jamie. He pulled another from their pack.
"Hope you told them to bite your pussy."
She nodded.
"Bite my pussy, suck my taint, eat my ass... Tastes better than their fried pigeons"
Jamie lit his smoke and dipped his brow. She sat beside him and pointed to the letter.
"I thought you gave Mister Henry half."
He nodded.
"Said he'd see what he can do."
Her brow scolded.
"See what he can do? He owns the building. You got pimped."
"Kelsey...come on."
"My fucking soon to be baby daddy slash soon to be husband got pimped by a two bit slumlord."
She grabbed the champagne and winced from the stale swig.
"Can't heat the car cause the alternator's fucked, but at least Mister Henry gets his half."
Kelsey took a second swig and tucked the bottle in her crotch like a jolly green cock. She thrust towards Jamie's face until his wrestled the neck from her thighs and took his own gulp.
"You're pregnant." he said.
She grappled it for a defiant swallow.
"Relax, it's the size of an Aspirin."
He studied the ember in his fingers.
"So what then? Buy a burner phone and hustle loans?"
"With our fucking picture up at every Money Mart?"
"Sell your grandma's oxys?"
"Are you a monster?"
Jamie shrunk back.
"Convince Big Rick to print traveler's checks on consignment."
"He's in rehab."
Jamie sighed.
"We have 24 hours to afford a storage unit and hotel. Tell me Kelsey... what in the high holy fuck are we supposed to do?"
She reached into her purse and unfolded a tightly bindled scrap of paper.
"We gotta do Nora's plan."
Jamie shook his head.
"You can't be serious."
"Fucking right. She pulled three of these. She knows her shit."
"So why was she locked up?"
She grabbed the bottle by the neck.
"She beat her fiance to death."
Jamie grabbed his temples and sighed.
"I'll collect money for Stu."
She held his hand and retraced the severed tip of his left pinkie.
"Honey. Stewie gave you a boo boo last time you came up short and then you went pukies."
Jamie tore himself away and stood.
"I don't do felonies. Besides, why do we have to be naked?"
"So no one remembers our faces."
Jamie tensed his jaw.
"I'm not risking the next decade on a robbery plan your girlfriend shoved up your ass in a toothbrush holder."
Kelsey held the pencil scrawled kite to her chest.
"I'll do it myself. Maybe I'll get us a room. Maybe I'll go back to prison. Either way I'm not raising our baby under a fucking bridge."
She huffed to door with jangling pockets. As she turned the handle she pulled the cock ring key chain from her blazer pocket.
"Car's in your name. Fucking help me or go down with me."
***
The Camry squeaked and lurched into the curb next to the dense oaks of Otterson Memorial Park. Beyond the gray thicket the sun shined, birds sang, Families played Frisbee and joggers shed pounds on the hard rubber track.
Jamie emerged in his Sunday worst. His threadbare khakis rustled. The shoes sweat foreign stenches. The cuffs of his 90's denim shirt pinched.
He itched to change as he eyed the two fresh jogging suits folded in his green Dingles shopping bag.
Kelsey called from in front.
"Hurry the fuck up."
Jamie dawdled. Every step felt crusty and infected.
"Why are you waddling?" she asked.
"I think someone died in these clothes." he replied.
Kelsey rolled her eyes.
"Wanna make it two? Start moving."
Jamie grimaced and walked the slight hill to his lover's side. A metallic glint poked her eye. She spied the key chain hanging from his belt loop.
"Seriously?" she asked.
He shrugged.
"You told me to dress like a suburban dad. That's how they carry their keys"
"But why would you bring keys?"
"So we can drive away when we're done."
"And how are we supposed to get them to the car?"
Jamie stood dumbfounded.
She unclasped the ring and marched to the Camry.
"I'll slip them under the floor mat. You keep watch."
Jamie watched the green milkmaid's prom dress ruffle along her toned pale legs as she strode downhill. Her Goodwill score looked mothballed as his, but she didn't seem to mind.
She rejoined him with a sad smile and a black gold strapped purse the size of a medical satchel.
"Jamie, sorry to be a meanie. I forgot my purse. Hope that makes you feel better."
It didn't!
They strode past the thicket and reached the clearing. Dingle's Department store beckoned them from across the street. She pecked his cheek.
"Okay baby daddy, this is it."
He called out two steps later.
"Wait!"
She turned around. He held out his arms.
"...In case we don't make it out."
She tilted her chin and opened her mouth to his lips. He cuddled his tongue around hers as they danced between their teeth.
He hugged her for dear life. Her hands slid to his ass. He grabbed hers in kind.
