The Pixie Heist
The notice shook in his hands.
He knew it was coming. Knew he deserved it, but seeing it was much worse. His heart cramped the moment he ripped it off the door.
"Eviction". Might as well say "Deadbeat fuck up." It wouldn't be so bad if they slipped it through the mail slot, but being broke was a crime punishable by humiliation. First the neighbors see the sheriff's scarlet letters. Next the neighborhood catches you begging tourists for spare change at the wharf.
He tossed it on the cheap hardwood floor next to the pregnancy test and a half bottle of flat champagne. He didn't need a cigarette. He wouldn't...
As he blew smoke from the third floor balcony the baby blue Camry chugged into the oil stained parking spot. The driver's door creaked and groaned until the petite green blond Kelsey crawled out and slammed it shut. She smoothed her blue pencil skirt, dusted the matching blazer and clomped her heels towards the lobby.
She unlocked apartment 3C as Jamie smoked a fresh Marlboro on the corner of the unmade hide-a-bed. She wanted to give him shit for the messy blankets, but figured it was the last thing he needed.
Her fingers met his crotch while she pouted in his hangdog face.
"Why so grumpy Mr Frumpy?"
Jamie chuckled.
"How did it go at Happy Wings?"
She scowled.
"Those fuckers don't hire convicts to wash their goddamn dishes. Said I should dance at the Purple Horseshoe."
She grabbed the cigarette from Jamie. He pulled another from their pack.
"Hope you told them to bite your pussy."
She nodded.
"Bite my pussy, suck my taint, eat my ass... Tastes better than their fried pigeons"
Jamie lit his smoke and dipped his brow. She sat beside him and pointed to the letter.
"I thought you gave Mister Henry half."
He nodded.
"Said he'd see what he can do."
Her brow scolded.
"See what he can do? He owns the building. You got pimped."
"Kelsey...come on."
"My fucking soon to be baby daddy slash soon to be husband got pimped by a two bit slumlord."
She grabbed the champagne and winced from the stale swig.
"Can't heat the car cause the alternator's fucked, but at least Mister Henry gets his half."
Kelsey took a second swig and tucked the bottle in her crotch like a jolly green cock. She thrust towards Jamie's face until his wrestled the neck from her thighs and took his own gulp.
"You're pregnant." he said.
She grappled it for a defiant swallow.
"Relax, it's the size of an Aspirin."
He studied the ember in his fingers.
"So what then? Buy a burner phone and hustle loans?"
"With our fucking picture up at every Money Mart?"
"Sell your grandma's oxys?"
"Are you a monster?"
Jamie shrunk back.
"Convince Big Rick to print traveler's checks on consignment."
"He's in rehab."
Jamie sighed.
"We have 24 hours to afford a storage unit and hotel. Tell me Kelsey... what in the high holy fuck are we supposed to do?"
She reached into her purse and unfolded a tightly bindled scrap of paper.
"We gotta do Nora's plan."
Jamie shook his head.
"You can't be serious."
"Fucking right. She pulled three of these. She knows her shit."
"So why was she locked up?"
She grabbed the bottle by the neck.
"She beat her fiance to death."
Jamie grabbed his temples and sighed.
"I'll collect money for Stu."
She held his hand and retraced the severed tip of his left pinkie.
"Honey. Stewie gave you a boo boo last time you came up short and then you went pukies."
Jamie tore himself away and stood.
"I don't do felonies. Besides, why do we have to be naked?"
"So no one remembers our faces."
Jamie tensed his jaw.
"I'm not risking the next decade on a robbery plan your girlfriend shoved up your ass in a toothbrush holder."
Kelsey held the pencil scrawled kite to her chest.
"I'll do it myself. Maybe I'll get us a room. Maybe I'll go back to prison. Either way I'm not raising our baby under a fucking bridge."
She huffed to door with jangling pockets. As she turned the handle she pulled the cock ring key chain from her blazer pocket.
"Car's in your name. Fucking help me or go down with me."
***
The Camry squeaked and lurched into the curb next to the dense oaks of Otterson Memorial Park. Beyond the gray thicket the sun shined, birds sang, Families played Frisbee and joggers shed pounds on the hard rubber track.
Jamie emerged in his Sunday worst. His threadbare khakis rustled. The shoes sweat foreign stenches. The cuffs of his 90's denim shirt pinched.
He itched to change as he eyed the two fresh jogging suits folded in his green Dingles shopping bag.
Kelsey called from in front.
"Hurry the fuck up."
Jamie dawdled. Every step felt crusty and infected.
"Why are you waddling?" she asked.
"I think someone died in these clothes." he replied.
Kelsey rolled her eyes.
"Wanna make it two? Start moving."
Jamie grimaced and walked the slight hill to his lover's side. A metallic glint poked her eye. She spied the key chain hanging from his belt loop.
"Seriously?" she asked.
He shrugged.
"You told me to dress like a suburban dad. That's how they carry their keys"
"But why would you bring keys?"
"So we can drive away when we're done."
"And how are we supposed to get them to the car?"
Jamie stood dumbfounded.
She unclasped the ring and marched to the Camry.
"I'll slip them under the floor mat. You keep watch."
Jamie watched the green milkmaid's prom dress ruffle along her toned pale legs as she strode downhill. Her Goodwill score looked mothballed as his, but she didn't seem to mind.
She rejoined him with a sad smile and a black gold strapped purse the size of a medical satchel.
"Jamie, sorry to be a meanie. I forgot my purse. Hope that makes you feel better."
It didn't!
They strode past the thicket and reached the clearing. Dingle's Department store beckoned them from across the street. She pecked his cheek.
"Okay baby daddy, this is it."
He called out two steps later.
"Wait!"
She turned around. He held out his arms.
"...In case we don't make it out."
She tilted her chin and opened her mouth to his lips. He cuddled his tongue around hers as they danced between their teeth.
He hugged her for dear life. Her hands slid to his ass. He grabbed hers in kind.
She pulled away and stared in his emerald eyes.
"Jamie. Stop that fucking loser talk. We're making it out and booking a room at the Holiday Fucking Inn. We deserve it and so does our baby."
Kelsey jaywalked over four lanes, pulled the chunky brass handles and walked through Dingle's shining glass doors. Jamie dipped into the connecting alley and dropped the shopping bag near the emergency exit.
"Hey their young man."
Jamie faced the creaking voice. An elderly vagrant sat on a milk crate facing the street. A Flying Squirrels beanie topped his gray locks.
"Sure looking sharp today."
His mud worn sneakers had missing toes. His stained red jogging suit stank of stale piss. He waved towards the park with a rotten toothed smile.
"All these folks walking 'round with their heads hanging, but you and old Bennett know better. Cause when you dress like a winner you feel like a winner."
Jamie chuckled.
"I need something better than this."
Bennett laughed.
"There you go. Upward and onward. You're about the conquer the world I bet!"
He leaned his neck and met Jamie's eyes.
"Before you go in think you could help me out?"
Jamie reached in his pockets assuming they were empty. Instead, he found an ancient two dollar bill. Old Bennett folded it into his pocket.
"Thank you young man. It's good to know there's good people."
Jamie chuckled.
"God bless sir."
He pulled the chunky brass handle and entered the store.
God bless indeed!
***
Dingles is a discount luxury superstore. Their fashions are unfit for Saks, but too expensive for Target. Sales floundered until Mrs. Dingle moved the registers next to the fitting rooms. Customers blew their credit on impulse while security checked receipts at the exit.
A freckle faced frizzy haired blond attendant ushered Kelsey into a pod the moment Jamie walked in and headed for menswear. With two pairs of corduroy skinny jeans he neared the fitting room. The same attendant flashed her braces.
"Welcome to Dingles sir I'm Jenny." she greeted. "Did you find what you were looking for?"
Jamie leaned into his well rehearsed 'aw shucks' grin.
"Guess I'm about to find out."
Her face lit up as she lifted the trousers from his arm. She eyed him up and down
"Ooh, I can't wait to see you in these." She cooed.
She snatched a plastic tag from the wall pin and unlocked the orange walled cubical.
"I'll put you in room D"
Jenny latched the door and skipped off to the next Dingle's guest. Jamie scanned the one foot gap under the stalls. Kelsey's purse laid on the floor three empty stalls away.
Perfect!
Kelsey grinned as her man shimmied his way into her dressing pod. In a single swipe she tore off her dress and tossed it on his head. She giggled as he shook it off and dropped it next to the olive poodle skirt.
He ogled her peanut and the black thong between her cheeks. A fresh patch of black pubes poked
through the lacy front. Her bra shaped her tits like cupcakes with a cherry nipple poking past the black mesh fabric.
"Took you long enough." She teased.
He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her pierced bellybutton close. She kissed him and unclasped his arms.
"Clothes first." She demanded.
Jamie cast his ill fitting shirt to the pile. The khakis followed. Everything except the shoes. His underwear waited at home.
He unhooked her bra. Her breasts fell to her ribs. She bent into the cramped space and shimmied the thong down her ass. Jamie's massive dick plumped and drooled as she peeled them down her thighs.
She withdrew a sliver tube of lube from her purse and slathered his member. He grabbed her hips and tried to mount.
"not yet".
Kelsey emptied the tube. She caked the lube on Jamie's calves and forearms before coating her own. She bent her ass toward Jamie and pressed her palms into the cubicle wall.
"HELLLP!" She cried. "My pussy's on fire".
"Fire marshal here." He drawled. "Yessir, that's quite a blaze all right. Better grab the hose."
Jamie's fire hose was long as a coke can and half as thick. Kelsey grunted as he pushed inside. Her familiar tightness  churned and squished as he bounced against her.
"You think anyone can hear us?" She whispered.
"Better make sure." He replied.
