It was apparent that she wasn't convinced with my response and she continued to press me a little harder on the issue. She might have asked me if I was sure, or something to that effect, but whichever way the questioning went, she eventually asked if I masturbated. This time my eyes went wide and I caught my breath. Again, I glanced over at my mom who was intently sitting forward in the chair. She sat with her legs crossed, elbow on her knee and her chin supported by her palm. She keenly regarded me and seemed to be smiling ever so slightly.
I was mortified already. And I struggled to process what I was going to do. On the one hand, my natural inclination was to lie and deny it. I didn't want to confess to masturbating in front of my mother. On the other hand, I could already sense that not being truthful would somehow end up worse. With a massive pit in my stomach, I reluctantly confessed. I did my best to avoid eye contact with my mother, I did not want to see her reaction.
In that instant, the room felt stagnant and heavy. I hesitated to look back at the doctor who seemed to be waiting for me to make eye contact again. Once I did, she resumed the line of questioning and asked if masturbating was the reason I paused in answering the question about being sexually active. To which I quietly nodded my head in response, "Yes." I still couldn't look at my mother.
The doctor acknowledged my feelings of embarrassment and reassured me that it was okay to talk about it. She said the typical things about boys my age and it being perfectly normal, nothing to be ashamed of, etc. She made some notes on her clip board while she offered such consolation.
Then, as if it couldn't get more uncomfortable, she looked up at me from her notes and asked me how often I masturbated. I remember being caught completely off guard by this question and didn't know how to answer it. Again, my eyes went wide, but this time I reflexively glanced at my mother who was just smiling at me with an arched eyebrow. I couldn't read her expression but her comfort level with the conversation seemed to be the polar opposite of mine.
Now, it wasn't like the doctor was trying to pry or anything. Her demeanor was completely professional if not a little annoyed that I wasn't overtly transparent about it. Her focus never shifted from me as she waited for my reply. After a patient moment, she offered some suggested answers like, "Once per week? Twice per week? Once per day? More often than that?"
My jaw clenched as it just kept getting worse. I was pretty sure that my mother didn't know my masturbation habits up until that point and now she was going to have some privileged information. The thought of answering this question drew up the pit in my stomach and made my ass clench up. I'd never talked about my sexual activity with anyone before. Literally, no one, and especially not my mom. It felt near impossible to speak, but I swallowed hard and reluctantly replied that I didn't do it every day but it was definitely more often than twice per week.
I couldn't look directly at my mom after answering, and whatever expression she was making was unreadable out of the corner of my eye. The awkwardness was in part that I was humiliated having to answer the questions, but I also wanted to know if she was cool with everything. However, I couldn't bring myself to find out in that moment.
The doctor nodded her head and then asked, in a very clinical manner, if I had any trouble getting erections, if I was able to achieve orgasm, and if I had any questions for her about my sexual health. This was the first time I'd ever had a doctor ask me these types of questions and I grimaced to reply in front of my mom. As far as I knew, every thing was normal and I concisely told her as much. I prayed the conversation would go no further.
The doctor seemed satisfied enough with my responses and she made some notes. Then she offered some advice saying that my masturbation habits were probably of a healthy frequency as long as it wasn't more often than once per day. Apparently, according to her, more often than that could indicate a problem; something like compulsive masturbation. It was at this point that she gave my mom a nod as if to make sure she also understood what healthy masturbation habits should be for her son. Additionally, she also recommended taking breaks from it every now and then. Lastly, she gave me a spiel about condoms and safe sex before she turned her focus back to my mom and asked if she had any questions. I finally was able to look at my mother to see her smiling and shaking her head "no" in a surprisingly nonchalant manner. She seemed amused.
Finally, the doctor was done with her line of questions, and she briefly explained to us that it was time to check me over. She stood up and moved close to me, eye to eye, and looked over my face. Her hands found my jaw and began touching my face, head and neck. I could feel her check my glands and then she tilted my head back while looking over my various orifices. Then, she brought up an illuminated instrument to take a closer look inside my nose, ears and mouth. She checked blood pressure and pressed her stethoscope to my chest and back, listening to my heart and lungs as I took deep breaths. It was all basic and routine stuff. The whole time my mother sat quietly and attentively observed the exam.
Next, she asked me to hop off of the exam table and told me to stand in the middle of the room. Standing in front of me, she told me to follow her movements. She did a series of simple coordination tests which involved me aping her exact movements. The last one was a test of flexibility and she told me to bend over as far as I could and touch my toes. While I was in this position, she told me to hold it so she could check my back. I felt her run her fingertips up my spine before telling me I could stand up.
She returned to her stool and swiveled back to the desk to make some notes. While she was noting things down she continued to speak to my mother and me telling us that she saw no obvious spine curvature or other abnormalities. Without looking my way, she told us it was time to do a check for hernias and examen my testicles.
Before she did anything else, she went on to explain that she would have to touch my private parts for this part of the exam. Now facing my mother, she further explained that normally I would have the option for a male doctor to perform this part, but that it wasn't available today. All the male doctors had left for the day. With that, she asked my mother if she had any objections to her proceeding with checking my genitals. My mother agreed and told her she could proceed.
When she looked to me for consent, I told her I was okay with her doing it, but it couldn't have been further from the truth. I was lying badly and trying to be brave; I didn't actually want her to do it. I have no idea if she could tell, but I have to imagine it was pretty obvious. I didn't want her to see my genitals. However, the real irony was that I would have been significantly more embarrassed to have a male doctor examine me like this. So even though I didn't want her to do it, I somehow felt that a woman would be more sympathetic to my secret situation.
See, the prospect of exposing myself to her or anyone else was something I dreaded in my youth. I was a late bloomer and took a long time to adjust psychologically to the idea of puberty. Throughout my teenage years, the idea of hair anywhere was completely off-putting to me and I consequently kept myself clean shaven. The reality was, my groin was the only place any noticeable hair actually grew and I wanted to keep that area hairless like the rest of my body. Paradoxically, this gave me a sense of personal confidence as I loved the way my bald genitals looked. However, it came at the expense of public confidence; I didn't want anyone to know about it or see it and I strictly maintained my modesty. So, while I liked it that way, I constantly feared being ridiculed for not looking appropriately mature, especially compared to other guys my age.
Sensing my apprehension, she turned her attention to my mother and asked her if we were okay to proceed. My mother seemed to have no problems with anything so far and agreed; she even offered to help if needed. It was one of those "Let me know if there's anything I can do" replies. With my mom's blessing, the doctor turned back to me and instructed me to remove my underwear.
Then, she reached up to the cabinet and retrieved a folded paper sheet. She handed it over to me and told me I could use it to cover myself. While it should have been obvious, I didn't understand what she wanted me to do and I asked for clarification. She tried to explain again, but I still didn't understand. But she seemed a little irritated so I just attempted what I thought she meant.