The Marathon

Tori tried to take honest stock of her life, as she stood soaking in the shower. She had an hour before Paul and the girls would get home, and could find no way to picture how she could face them. Her gut screamed at her that she didn't even deserve to think about facing them in light of what she had become.

Tori banged her fists against the walls until her hands became numb, chastising and screaming at herself, then breaking down crying on the floor of the shower. She cried and sobbed uncontrollably for minutes. Slowly, the convulsive sobbing waned and Tori felt a kernel of something that wasn't just abject shame or self-hatred. What she felt was a kernel of resolve. The fighter deep inside her wouldn't allow her to give up. She knew that she had to get help and she had to come clean and get clean, regardless of the consequences. This felt like rock bottom and only something drastic could resuscitate her life now.

"Rena, doll, can you talk?" she phoned her stalwart best friend.

"Why are you calling me?" Rena asked anxiously. "What's going on? You never call. Why aren't you texting me? Is it bad?"

"Are you by yourself?"

"OK it is bad. Yes, I'm here by myself. Kevin just left for the park with Livvy and the pup. They'll be gone for a while. What's going on already?" Rena asked.

"I'm coming over. I'll tell you about it when I get there." Tori said as she grabbed her purse and a bottle of Pinot Grigio from the wine fridge.

Fifteen minutes later the two friends were sitting at Rena's kitchen table, feet tucked under. Rena was out of sorts in anticipation of a difficult talk. Tori looked at her best friend, feeling immense gratitude for her reliable support in the moment.

"I need to just plow through this or I'll never be able to say it all," started Tori. "Promise me you will not interrupt and you'll let me finish, no matter what!"

Rena's eyes got very big as she nodded acceptance to her friend.

"I'm addicted to opioids and its spiraling out of control."

"What the fuck?!" Rena exclaimed, then caught herself. "Sorry, I'll let you finish."

"Yes, thank you," Tori replied curtly. "It started with the physical therapy. I couldn't sleep and I was prescribed Vicodin to help me get through the night pain free. I've been taking a version of opioids in fits and starts for over two months, and now I basically can't go without the pills. I can't sleep or really function at all when I'm off them."

"The doc cut me off after two prescriptions. I tried getting by without them, but I couldn't. Then I started getting them from my physical therapist. It's definitely not legal. I know he doesn't have a license to prescribe them, but I didn't care. Until today."

"I want to quit, but I can't. I had my last pill just a few hours ago and I'm already in desperate need of the next one. I'm out of pills now, and I have no idea how I can keep going without them."

She paused and nodded to Rena that she was done.

"Tori, my love, you can do this," Rena said with total sincerity. "I know you can. If anyone, you. I'm so glad you're telling me about this. Wait, Paul doesn't know, does he?"

"No, I've only told you," Tori said sadly. "He's the most incredible partner. So unflinchingly supportive. I can't look him in the eye about this."

"Tori, you absolutely have to tell him. How can you not? He's Paul Gibraltar! You need him to get through this. Hell, I need him to help us get you through this!"

As they talked through the bottle of wine, Tori kept trying to find a way to confess about the oral sex with Sean, but she simply couldn't find a way to say the words. They would form on her lips, but then she'd just chug them back down with the wine.

"There's something else, Rena," she said with a slight hesitation. "It's horrible, and I can barely form the words..."

Just then, Rena's husband arrived back with their daughter and dog. Rena reached out to Tori, imploring her to be patient as she turned toward her spouse.

"Just hang on a minute, Hon. Tori and I are still chatting," she said.

"No, no it's ok," Tori interjected. "I need to get going and pickup dinner. We can talk again tomorrow, Rena. Thank you so much."

Tori quickly excused herself and got into her car. She checked her phone and saw that Sean had called her twice and texted multiple times about the forgotten pills. She then summoned the will to delete the texts and block Sean's number.

Next she texted Paul about her plan to pick up pizza on the way home. She kept it short and perfunctory. He replied with a big thumbs up, and then sent a picture of the girls clowning for the camera. Tori forced herself to back out of Rena's drive, then made it two blocks before she had to pull over to cry again.

She knew that quitting cold turkey from opioids would be incredibly difficult under the best of circumstances, but doing so with all the shame she carried truly weighed on her. After minutes of sobbing, Tori calmed and had a moment of clarity, as she realized that conquering the shame was the only way to climb out of this well. The pain felt like the cover, and the shame was the pit that she fell into without the pills. If she was going to conquer this, she knew that she had to come clean about all of it, the sex and the drugs, with both Rena and Paul. The problem was, she couldn't see how to do it without setting her entire world ablaze.

----------------------------

Holding the two pizzas, Paul's favorite veggie mediterranean special and a simple margarita pie for the girls, she paused on the doorstep before turning the handle. She took several deep breaths, closed her eyes, then forced a small smile.

"Pizza Mom to the rescue!" cheered the girls as she opened the door. They never failed to tickle her heart, even if she felt the farthest thing from their hero in the moment. Tori struggled to stay composed, as she quickly hugged the girls with one hand, then stepped into the kitchen and set down the pizzas. Paul was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's your Dad, girls?" she asked.

"He's across the street borrowing a cucumber for the salad," Charlotte said.

Tori immediately blanched as she guiltily thought about the cucumber she had used as a dildo hidden in the basement trash. She struggled to hide the shame as it flooded through her in waves. Ironically, she thought, as the orgasm didn't feel worth a dime compared to the wealth of love in front of her now.

Paul returned triumphantly, waving the cucumber like a sword as he entered the house.

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die," he said as the girls squealed.

The cult classic Princess Bride was their family favorite, so Tori's stone look was immediately apparent to him.

"Tori, are you ok?" he asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost. Are you the Dread Pirate Roberts, perhaps?"

The girls started running around the house in circles yelling with a wonderfully affected lisp, "Inconceivable!"

Tori had to get away quickly as she was about to lose it in front of them all. She quickly turned toward the bathroom and made a hand waving excuse to flee the scene of perfect family bliss ironically mocking her in the kitchen. Paul observed her universal gesture, implying she needed a quick break.

"Have fun storming the castle," he said in an impression of Billy Cristal as Miracle Max. The girls howled with laughter, then ran toward the pizza yelling, "As, You, Wish..."

The bathroom break was not enough for Tori to truly compose herself, but she at least avoided a complete meltdown in front of the girls. As she emerged from the bathroom she tried to meet Paul's eyes to give him an indication that she needed to quickly talk with him, but he was busy fixing up the salad. Tori instead walked up to him from behind and leaned into him gently. He leaned back into her with his head tilted onto hers.

"Paul," she whispered. "You've been with the girls all day, you awesome man. Why don't you head on downstairs to catch up on the games you recorded today. I'll do all the routines with them this evening. I've missed them so much lately, and it would mean the world to me to have time with them. It feels like it's been too long."

Tori prayed that he would agree. She had premonitions that it would be the last innocent night with her girls before she set fire to their world.

"Thank you, that's very thoughtful," he said, then paused. The seconds ticked by, feeling like minutes to her, then he broke into a smile.

"That actually sounds pretty great," he finally replied. "But could I maybe throw a wrench into your plans and see if I can find a sitter to cover a few hours for us after their bedtime. We haven't been out of the house together in weeks. Maybe we can grab a quick drink down at the tavern."

Tori hesitated to respond, thinking about the best scenario for confessing to him. After a brief and awkward silence, she agreed, but stipulated that it had to be "casual," as the last thing she needed was to get dolled up to shatter his heart.

Paul quickly confirmed a sitter for three hours, starting at nine pm. Tori started the clock for the final three 'normal' hours she might ever spend with her incredible girls. She turned away and stared out across the yard as a tear rolled down her cheek. She inhaled sharply two times, bit down on her lip to stifle her tears and put on the bravest face of her life to savor every second of the next few hours.

After dinner, the girls asked if they could watch TV, but Tori wanted to talk with and look at them. Instead, she asked if they wouldn't mind playing a game with their Mom.

"I know that I'm a bit competitive," she said.

"A BIT competitive?" Charlotte remarked sarcastically. "That's like saying the Pope is a BIT Catholic."

"OK, I get it. I'm super competitive, I admit it. However, if I pinky-promise to play super normal, Dad-style tonight, can we play a game?"

The girls and Tori had such a grand time playing Scattergories that Paul even came upstairs to faux complain about them disturbing the troll under the stairs.

The time flew by unsympathetically, as the fun was bittersweet for Tori. When it was nearly nine, the girls had cleaned up for bed and were waiting for their favorite neighborhood sitter.

While the girls were showering and Paul was still in the basement, Tori quickly slipped into their master bedroom to pack an overnight bag with a few days clothes and her essentials. She hid it under the stairs in the closet near the door. She thought that if the conversation was going to go as suspected with Paul, volunteering to leave the house for the night might be the only reasonable hand she could play out of respect for her family. She didn't feel worthy of staying.

The sitter arrived on time, and Tori and Paul were ready quickly, but not before Tori gave bear hugs and kisses to her girls. As she passed over the threshold out onto their lawn, she stopped a few steps from the car to gather her courage. She fixed her gaze back at their house, watching the shadows of her girls walk through their den, then turned back toward Paul, who was staring at her quizzically.

As they got into the car, Tori placed her hand on Paul's as he was about to shift into reverse. "How about instead of drinks at the Tavern, let's take a moonlight stroll down by the shore tonight. I don't feel like being inside on such a nice evening, and it's nearly a full moon."

"That sounds very nice," he said as they pulled out of the driveway together, possibly for the last time.

-------------------------

Paul and Tori both played collegiate soccer and continued playing into their mid-twenties in a mix of recreational leagues, some highly competitive, others of beer-league quality. The co-ed tourney where they met was the best of both varieties, beer-league camaraderie with high-level skill. It was seven-a-side format with a minimum of three women on the field at all times. Paul's team eliminated Tori's side in the first knock-out round, but it was a Pyrrhic victory as they lost their best female player, Alison, to injury.

It was a challenge between Tori and Alison, where the more aggressive Tori cleanly struck the ball and Alison's foot recoiled unnaturally. Despite her pain, Alison waived off her teammate's protests, insisting that the tackle was fair.

After the loss, Tori and her team went to the nearest sports bar to toast their short-cut tourney run. Paul's team, still alive, were not in the imbibing mood, but Alison insisted that they properly treat her to drinks after taking one for the team.

Paul had been focused on the game. He didn't notice just how attractive a few of the players on the other team were until they arrived at the bar. He especially noticed Tori, who appeared to be the spitting image of Parker Posey, the prolific actress of mockumentary fame.

As Paul and his team hydrated and did their best to vicariously enjoy Alison's imminent inebriation, he tried to steal glances across the restaurant. Alison was quick to call him out for it.

"Hey Paul, who are you staring at over there?" Alison asked in a playful tone. "Do you fancy Parker Posey's little sister?"

The table had a good chuckle and Paul felt a bit unsettled by Alison's mind-reading. In his typical manner, he fessed up immediately, "Yep, you caught me, Ali. I've been trying to catch her eye since we sat down. No luck though. She's been stealing glances at James, of course."

"Not this again," Alison remarked. "I don't care how many games you win for us, James. Your brother needs to stop inviting you to these tourneys. You're like Magneto for hot women. None of us stand a chance around you, even the lesbians stick to you."

"I don't think that's true at all, Ali," said a bemused James. "You seem to have no trouble flipping the pancakes. I could give you examples, but they're too numerous to recount. Doesn't matter, though, because I'm off the market now."

"WHAT?!" exclaimed Paul, sharing the shock felt by the entire table.

"I've been dating a great gal now for four weeks. We're totally serious, and she's my lady."

"Paul, has James ever in his life had a serious relationship?" asked Alison.

"Nope. Not a one."

"Well, I'm twenty-five years old now and it's time I gave new things a try," said James. "That was my birthday resolution. I'm totally open to new possibilities. That's why, when my great gal asked me to be exclusive, I agreed it was time."

"So, Paul, Parker Posey is all yours," he said. "I'll even be your wingman today. In fact, I have a genuinely good idea about how I can be Iceman right now. Ali, you're the expert on tournament rules, can we replace you with a player from an eliminated team?"

"Yep, you can replace injured players. All registered, eliminated players are open for selection if they choose to join us," she answered with a smirk. "Not that you asked, but I will also kindly cede Parker Posey to Paul if he's interested."

"OK everybody, I have a potential dynamo midfielder to woo, for the team of course! I'll be right back, hopefully accompanied by Paul's new lady," James said. Paul rolled his eyes at Alison, who just shook her head in mock disbelief.

James' charm worked like magic. In short order, he returned to the table with a Cheshire grin, accompanied by a nervously smiling woman. Up close, she was even more astounding than Paul expected. He felt the Parker Posey reference was not doing her justice, as her fit figure and the playful gleam in her eyes nearly made him groan involuntarily.

"Scoregasms, I'd like you to meet Tori, who I'm very proud to announce will be joining us tomorrow morning as we march on to victory. As we witnessed today, she is literally the toughest player in the tournament and has guaranteed me that she will bring the pain, to the other team this time. I would also like to report that she is in no way related to Parker Posey, but she did get asked for Parker's autograph once, completely unaware of who she was."

"Tori, this is Scoregasms," he said, as Paul winced for the second time at hearing the team name that James had surreptitiously used for their tournament registration. That's the last time he does anything administrative again, Paul thought.

"Scoot in Paul, make room next to you," James said. "We have to get Tori here some solid food so she can sober up for tomorrow."

Paul and Tori exchanged quick looks and she chuckled as he rolled his eyes while coyly smiling at her.

"Tori, Paul sitting next to you is our team captain, a stalwart defender as you saw today, and a pretty OK dude. Granted, I'm his younger brother, so he's actually probably more like a righteously good dude. However, I hold grudges so I'm sticking with just OK."

"Alright, James, I think Tori's probably had enough of your show for now," said Alison, sensing the setup by James, presenting himself as the obvious try hard. "Tori, I am so thrilled that you will be replacing me. I, unlike James, hold no grudges. For the record, your tackle today was clean. I just hope that you bring that same intensity tomorrow and do me proud."

"Absolutely," Tori affirmed in response. "It's sort of my brand. I grew up with two older brothers who treated me like one of them. I basically have just the one speed. I'm sorry about being so intense. However, I will admit that I'll do it again if the same situation comes up tomorrow and again if we play in the finals."

James, Alison, and the rest of the team did their best to tee up softballs for Paul in front of Tori without overstepping. It worked flawlessly. Tori started to really show she was keen on Paul, building up to light flirting quickly.

"So, you all think I look like Parker Posey?" She asked playfully to Paul. "I have to admit, I'm a bit flattered. I've also been trying to figure out who would play you in a movie. I'm getting a very Luke Wilson vibe." She gestured at Paul, assessing him with a coy look. "Do you get that a lot?" she asked.

"Oh hell no," Paul laughed. "If I'm wearing my glasses, James actually introduces me as Jason Schwartzman from Rushmore."

Tori laughed, then said, "I don't see that at all. Your brother's kind of a LOT, isn't he?"

"He is, but he's also kind of the best. Heart of gold."

"Are you guys close?"

"We are. We've gotten a lot closer lately. He's finally starting to grow up a bit. As his older brother though, I have a hard time not seeing him as a kid in my mind."

"Oh I get that. My brothers, Jay and Callen, treat me that way. It can be pretty infuriating, but also kind of cute at times. They are totally overprotective. I think they'd like you though."

She paused to let the statement hang in the air for a quiet moment. She smiled at Paul, as he blushed slightly at the implication. From there, the conversation flowed naturally and the pair talked to themselves almost as though the rest of the group had left.

Gradually the group did filter out, leaving just Paul, Alison, and Tori at the table. Tori's team had left sometime earlier to do a pub crawl, which she naturally declined with the possibility of two games the next day.

"I'm beat guys," Alison said, slurring her words slightly. "I need to head back and sleep all of this off. Good luck, you two."

"I'm sorry again about the foot, Alison," said Tori. "I'm glad we had a chance to chat and you were such a great sport about it all." The women exchanged a quick hug and Tori sat back down across the table looking at Paul, showing she was relaxed and interested in him.

As she left, Alison looked back and caught Paul's eye. She gave him a nod out of sight from Tori, letting him know that he stood a fighting chance with the team's new knockout midfielder.

----------------------

They headed toward their favorite spot along the shoreline. It was a quiet ten minute drive that was filled in by only a sprinkle of discussion about the girl's day. After they parked and walked near the water, Tori waited until they had reached the most remote part.