It seemed innocent enough.
He was a fan of my stories posted on Literotica and had begun to post a series of his own. I checked them out and liked the idea that they not only were true but involved one of my favorite subjects, or should I say fantasies i.e. a dominant and charismatic boss takes a newly appointed personal secretary on an adventure of her submissive fantasies by giving her exhibitionistic tasks to perform.
It was the male version of my "A Woman's Journal" series.
We exchanged emails a few times talking about writing in general and story ideas. Each time he would add a little flirtatious hint that he would like to give me tasks to perform. For the most part I would ignore them, however the suggestion activated my latent exhibitionistic tendencies. Simply said, I was intrigued.
I have been writing stories, many of which are biographical, on Literotica for well over a year now. Most of my stories revolve around an older woman i.e. mid thirties to early forties that has a latent desire to be an exhibitionist. Often she is portrayed as submissive giving in to the wishes and desires of a dominant male figure. It is me to a tee.
From my late teens to my late thirties, I engaged in many exhibitionistic activities instigated by my husband who also photographically recorded many of them. I particularly enjoy being outdoors in just a teeny bra and a sexy pair of panties, as the thought of being seen is absolutely intoxicating for me. I am not a nudist and have never had any desire to be seen nude, however the thought of being seen in just my bra and panties sends tingles down my spine. Recently I have started writing a new series titled, "The Panty Perils of Me" with the intention of developing a story behind all of the photos taken of me over the past 8 years showing off my undies.
I have never actually experienced being told what to do by anyone other than my husband with a few exceptions and never entertained the idea other than in my written fantasies.
The suggestion to perform for a complete stranger was very thought provoking and very fantasy filled, but was it really something that I would ever actually do?
I can tell you that I spent quite a bit of time trying to answer that very question.
I don't know whether my kind of exhibitionism is unusual, as it requires an implied permission. I need to be told or coaxed into showing off. I have never intentionally performed any acts of exhibitionism, as all of my little performances were either requested or commanded. I revel in knowing that someone finds me sexy and would like to see more of me.
Admittedly it is much more complicated than that as I would never strip just upon request of anyone, but I wanted to explain a little something about me before proceeding with this narrative.
One day on an impulse I replied back that I was curious as to what he might ask me to do. My heart was racing as I hit send on my laptop. It was one of those emails that within seconds I regretted sending, mostly as it revealed more about me than I ever had intended. Oh, the games that we play to create a certain perception of ourselves to others.
His response was to ask why I wasn't showing off for my husband as the majority of my stories indicated a very active fantasy life. I admitted that most of my stories are more factual than fiction particularly since I have been adding photos of myself to provide a reality for my readers. But things change in our lives, and my life had drastically changed about 2 years ago with a move back to our hometown bringing me close to my large family along with my husband having received a huge promotion requiring 60 hour work weeks and many nights with clients. Not only had our opportunities to play been severely curtailed, but I now was back in the work force as well. Time was no longer easy to acquire, as our lives were so busy.
And besides, I was now in my 40's with two growing children. It just didn't seem appropriate anymore to indulge in my tendencies towards exhibitionism anywhere else than the bedroom.
I tried to explain my circumstances to this man.
I also made it clear that providing evidence of my performances would be near impossible as I expected any tasks to be solo, so who would take the photos? Also, sending photos of myself that are specifically taken for another man would feel too much like cheating. The more that I thought about the whole thing, it didn't make any sense and I asked him to forget that I had ever sent the email. I simply was missing the freedom that I had had when I lived away from my family, when my children were younger, and when my husband and I had time to play.
I had turned to writing along with sharing some of my photos to compensate for what I was missing.
I was sure that my momentary dalliance into online fantasy play was over.
His response acknowledged his understanding of my situation as well as my loyalty to my husband and children. It was what the remainder of his email contained that send shivers down my spine.
He assigned me a task to perform.
I was visibly shaking as I read his email from my cubicle at work. Now granted this man lives across an ocean from me, but the effect was the same as if I had been called into his office and told what to do as his eyes bore into my soul; my exhibitionist soul. I could feel a warm flush of electricity start at my forehead and work its way down to my toes. The feeling was virtually identical to the times that my husband and I would drive to a secluded spot and he would direct me to remove my clothes until I had nothing else on but my lingerie. Then I was told to get out of the car. The incredible vibration that would take over as my hand would touch the door handle of the car. I would pull on it letting the door slowly open while simultaneously the overhead light would go on. The sense that I couldn't disobey despite the possibilities of being seen, the feeling of the cool night air caressing my almost naked body as I stepped from the car, the raw sexual energy that would envelope me as I closed the door behind me hearing the locks engage, knowing that I had no place to hide, would all combine into the most delicious feelings of helpless abandon.
Reading the task sent those same shivers through me creating a moment of extreme anxiety as I thought, "What have I gotten myself into?"
Sure, I could easily ignore the email and continue on with my guarded life, but that isn't who I am; at least not deep inside.
The task was simple enough involving something that I love to do i.e. shop for shoes, however it had a little twist. I was to make sure that a male salesperson assisted me and also to make sure that I gave this male salesperson a good peek of my panties...red panties.
The man has no way to know whether I will perform this task, requiring no evidence. And what kind of evidence could I provide, as I will be on my own? Ask the salesman to take a photo up my skirt?
I spent the remainder of the week trying to ignore his email, but time and again found myself rereading it.
I was sure that it was simply the fantasy of the situation that drew me back time and again to read his words. I had no time in my life to perform "tasks" and besides this just isn't what mature, responsible woman do.